Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

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"when i look down i miss all the good stuff, when i look up i just trip over things"

no, but really, i am losing my fucking mind. the voices in my head are literally laughing at the medication i'm taking. and let's not fool ourselves, i'm on a shitload of medication. i was in the shower the other day and they stopped their constant narration of my actions (yes i feel like i live in a book) and started yelling out names at random. just listing them off. for no reason at all! they've gone back to the narration, sometimes it is so loud i can't hear what people are saying to me. people like doc, who hates having to repeat himself. who likes it? then yesterday i went outside to wait for M to pick me up to go on an errand and while i was standing outside i had to return to the house 7 times to make sure nothing was burning (incense, a cigarette) and then had to check the lock two or three times each time -- ARGH. is that what it's like to be OCD? i was doing it at the prodding and teasing of my voices. i couldn't live like that. i told doc and he said "are you that afraid of responsibility? to which i replied kind of sulkily. i've gone out plenty of times. this was my voices, he doesn't get that. no one gets that but my shrink and my therapist and i'm losing my shrink, i see her for the last time tomorrow.

so i'm in a fuck of a mood. i've kept it hidden almost to my breaking point. i've been trying to compensate for not hurting myself by trying to treat myself really well. i use three products on different places of my face, i use the expensive lotion, today i will give myself a manicure. all i want is to be alone but there is always someone around. doc is staying home today. M gets home relatively early. my alone time is short if at all. and i never know when M will be home, so i never know if i have the time to go through my ritual of hurting myself, that is a deterrent. M and i are great friends, i don't want my crazy to come between us.

he's like the brother that my brothers never could be to me, simply because they are related to me and M isn't. he didn't come from the poison family i did, so we can be friends. so long as i'm not too crazy. he doesn't need to see that. he's seen a lot, and i'm honest with him about stuff. i told him about the names the voices were calling out. i give him a lot of credit, he takes everything in stride. i wonder if he'll visit me in rehab. i know he hates hospitals.

Ani DiFranco - As Is
Tags: head case, m, rehab, voices

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