i found the book i have that i wanted to read, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein. then i have to read another i bought at the same time called Cutting. this is all to put off reading the Narcotics Anonymous book. i wonder if i'll go into rehab when i decide i'm ready, or if i will just do it at home. would it work if i did it alone? just take the drug away from me so i can't have it and stop that way. something tells me that i'll need help. it isn't the inpatient rehab that i fear, it's the 6 week outpatient treatment that will take me two hours to get to and get from. i think that will stress me out more than anything. leaving the house every day and spending four hours on busses. the people don't so much frighten me, i learned during this last hospital stay that i can learn something from everyone i meet.
instead of staying like an inmate, i was friendly and jovial to everyone. some people only spewed gibberish, others had pleasantly lucid times when i could talk to them and find things out, like their outlook on life.