Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

PHEW. i accidentally let expire. i just got it paid and sorted out. now to pay my webhost. then i will be caught up with my online bills. so much stuff has been ignored or put off since this all began in november. it just occured to me that novemeber is the anniversary of my cat, henry's, death. maybe that's what has sent me over the edge. now that i'm back on the ledge that is my life, i can see more clearly.

i found the book i have that i wanted to read, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein. then i have to read another i bought at the same time called Cutting. this is all to put off reading the Narcotics Anonymous book. i wonder if i'll go into rehab when i decide i'm ready, or if i will just do it at home. would it work if i did it alone? just take the drug away from me so i can't have it and stop that way. something tells me that i'll need help. it isn't the inpatient rehab that i fear, it's the 6 week outpatient treatment that will take me two hours to get to and get from. i think that will stress me out more than anything. leaving the house every day and spending four hours on busses. the people don't so much frighten me, i learned during this last hospital stay that i can learn something from everyone i meet.

instead of staying like an inmate, i was friendly and jovial to everyone. some people only spewed gibberish, others had pleasantly lucid times when i could talk to them and find things out, like their outlook on life.

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