Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

another glorious morning! we are enjoying a very warm spring, i have the doors and windows open.

i've been reading over my journal from the hospital and i really learned some inspirational stuff. i have handouts on almost every emotional state there is. and i have a prayer that one of the guys in there gave me. he wrote it himself, and if i change "god" to "goddess", it's a pretty powerful prayer.

i bought a book a while ago on how not to kill yourself, i need to find it and read it. i'm sure it will have some great suggestions on how to keep positive.

my only complaint is that the medication makes me zombie-like. today i have a list of stuff to do that should keep the wonkies away. i need structure. things to do.

since it's so nice, i'm going to break out the cameras and get some pictures of all the jewelry i've been making. a whole new spring line is ready to be posted on ebay.

thank you to everyone for your support. i grab it and hold it and cherish it.

tonight i have to put my body jewelry back in. i tried to do it myself just now, but i couldn't. i'll have doc help me. i can't believe they made me take it out in the hospital.

see, i got checked in by the midnight staff, who have a lot of time on their hands and are very strict about the rules. some that were checked in during daytime hours were allowed to keep their body jewelry in. there is a double standard, each staff person handles the rules differently. i just drew the short straw by coming in at one in the morning.

there is a rule that you can't go directly to the psych hospital, you must go to the emergency room to get checked out and then await a transfer to the psych hospital. i waited all day and night in a bed in the hallway of the emergency department. a few hours before i left, i was put into a room. i think i was the only loon with insurance. i didn't sleep the whole time i was in the ER. i don't remember much, a guy freaked out right by my bed and i was whisked away by nurses until he could be sedated. that was exciting.

i'll share a thing i took notes on. an acronym (sp) for "fear". False Evidence Appearing Real.

and another thing i learned: Good + X = Anger. "X" can be any number of things. learning them can help you not be triggered into anger.

i learned a lot from my addiction meetings on the Chemical Dependency Unit. Part of me wanted to stay and transfer over to that unit for a couple of weeks, but i was needed at home and i was scared to be surrounded by 12 steppers. not that there is anything wrong with the 12 steps, i just have my own problems with them. but the people on the unit were very friendly and made me feel welcome during the meetings. if meetings on the outside are even half as supportive, i think i may try a couple. i want to concentrate on Al-Anon first. if i can deal with my parents addictions, maybe i can let the guilt i feel go away. it wasn't my fault they drank, no matter what they said to the contrary. it was their choice to drink and hide it and be mean and hateful hypocrites. it had nothing to do with me. i was just a child.

in many ways, i'm still a child. but for the first time, i see the benefits of growing up. and i see that it isn't and absolute thing, i can still keep the kid parts i want, still love the toys and the teddy bears, but be grown up enough to be responsible. if i can't leave the house most of the time, then i can keep busy cleaning it and making it a nice home for doc to come to after work.

okay, i have on my favorite lotion and my favorite cologne. my nails still look good, i can go a few more days without re-painting them. my hair looks good and i am all around pleased with my girly-ness.

i need to:
vacuum the apartment, all of it
do the cat box
do some laundry
empty the dishwasher
watch the family guy DVDs that M brought over

which brings me to another cool thing, M might be moving in with us. he's like a brother to me. he even hugs me before he leaves. i adore him and would feel perfectly safe with him living here. he also has a cat, which my cats will just have to get used to.

coco has gotten a bit bigger. we've started feeding her fresh veggies along with her hamster chow. she also gets the dried bits of wet cat food left over from the night before, she loves that. she's a fiend for lettuce (she only gets the greenest parts of the romaine) and likes carrots well enough. jack has been stalking her and moving her cage around. we got out the water sprayer to deterr him.

ack, it seems i've lost my internal spell check. i'm going to go put on my mp3 player and do some housework.

hope everyone is shiny.

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