Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

  • Mood:

oof

oof. marathon reading session. i was going to read 50 pages which turned into 100 pages which turned into "i may as well finish it". i have read "Bright Red Scream". accounts of self mutilation are anecdotal and used to weave together all the research the author did. so it's a bit of a dry read. the title was definitely picked for it's sensationalistic qualities. i fell for it. but i will use it in the future. there is information that helps. it focuses heavily on the parent's responsibility for cutting. either through abuse or neglect or loss. that was the type of stuff that will in the future help me.

now i have a headache and since doc is going out after work, i can just go to bed. depending on if i want to watch CSI or not.

i've been falling asleep to the history channel. letting the bermuda triangle mysteries soak into my head as i slip off to dreamland. i keep forgetting to watch ghost hunters on sci fi, i'm lucky they put the episodes up on the site. i wonder if the new one is up, i'd like to watch that while my meds kick in.

yesterday as i ironed i felt cold against the side of my leg. i was wearing shorts and it was in the area that a cat would rub up against. it was only the one leg and only on the outside of the leg. i was in doc's room, where henry had spent most of his time when he was sick. doc insisted again when i told him that henry is still here. and i told him of one of you who had told me when they moved they had a ceremony to release the spirits of their passed on pets. doc replied, "i'd tell his spirit to get in the damn car".

i'm willing to try and coax the spirit of my dead cat to a new home. i'm pretty open to anything. ever since kasey died i haven't really believed in anything. so i find it easier to be open to and about beliefs and spirituality. i know i prefer goddess to god, symbolically, and gods to god. but it doesn't go much deeper than that. it's more out of habit that i say something to the goddess when i light incense or a candle. i essentially feel she deserted kasey and me when she took kasey before i could really get to know her. but it was my parents, not the goddess, who prevented me from having any contact with kasey. hence my total confusion and just not thinking about it much.

oof.
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