i'm not picking up the phone tonight. i may not ever pick up the phone again. i may never use my mouth again. i have to give up the main staple of my diet, sugar.
so it's not a big deal in the realm of what could be wrong with me. but my self esteem can't get any lower and being toothless won't help things any.
i just want to die. i'm tired of living and fighting and having something good always tempered with something worse. i'm sick of the fight, yo.
if i hurt myself before doc gets home, will the trouble i will be in really matter to me now? i don't think it will.
i'd like to be all strong cydniey, but i'm not and that's all there is to it. i am a flawed human being who can't seem to leave at least some of her flaws behind in the dust.
i just need to be alone and doc won't get it when he gets home and we will fight and that will be a perfect ender to this shithole of a day. i can't believe that two short hours ago i let myself be hopeful about something. no more of that. i can't take the let down and the crazy turnaround any more.
