Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

  • Mood:

ack and erg

i don't have an icon for fear . . . this will have to do.

i'm scared to go to my doctor's appointment. it's like i spent all my inner strength on this book and i don't have any in reserve. i'm really scared. i've taken a klonopin, that should calm me down. i have everything ready and even put some SPF lotion on my face.

i don't know what i'm so scared of. being out alone seems to me to be enough of an explanation, but if you're not agoraphobic, it isn't self explanitory. and i can't give any more of an explanation.

will i get across the street before the bus comes (i worry this even though i allow myself 15 minutes to cross the street, more than enough time to go down to the crosswalk and back)

will i get off the bus in the right place? will i be lost if i do?

can i walk quickly enough to get to the appointment on time or should i have left an hour early and sit there? it's too late to do that now, so it will worry me until i get to the appointment. i know i'll be seen, it isn't like that is an issue.

will i remember to call doc from the doctor's office?

ack! and i went into the bathroom and discovered one of my teeth is chipped. got to get the health stuff in so i can go to the dentist. i need a lot of work and a lot of it on my front teeth. will i be able to get that done before the book is done? ack! another fucking thing to worry about!

i am freaking out. when will the klonopin slow this shit down? should i take a seroquel? erg. took a seroquel, it can't hurt anything.

now it's after 4. i have to leave at 4:45 even though the bus is across the street and comes at 5:07 (i have to give myself time to walk down the street to the crosswalk and back up to the bus stop). i will be obsessively looking at the clock from here out. i don't even have anything that i could distract myself with. i finished up the work i was doing and i don't trust myself to do it in this state. i backed up the work, i even scanned in some photos of me when i was younger.

my eyedrops, i need to remember those, i don't know how windy it is out. okay, check.

now i'm dressed, do i wear my docs or my tennis shoes? doc's. blisters be damned. i need to get used to walking in them again. i hear they are hot again. some part of me has to be fashionable, right?

i'm going to stop this before it goes any further, i think i look crazy enough, i can stop now before it becomes to blatant.

4:13 . . . just a half an hour.

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