Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i thought about joining in the zombie writing today, but decided against it. i got bummed when i thought about how really unprepared we are for anything to go wrong. hee. only i could turn something fun into a stress point. oy.

so i laughed at myself for getting like that and settled in to enjoy some other zombie writings. only one person on my flist is doing it, but he's gung ho and doing it all the way, i love it.

give me one more reason to sit at this computer. not that i need a reason.

it's dark in here. the a/c comes on intermittently. it is a cool cave. since the CD ended, a silent, cool cave.

i need to clean the kitchen. doc cooked and it is just a mess.

it's wednesday, i figured that out on my own. like crosswords used to be, now it's figuring out what day it is. i've come so far backwards. i need to work on that. do crosswords. work on my memory. maybe i can control it. maybe i can get it back by working at it. i only had five or six ECT sessions. that isn't many. and it's been a year.

my sister, kasey's death date is coming up. for the first couple of years after, i would have a wake at the Double Down with friends. this year, the wake is private. just me and a bottle of, you guessed it, stoli vanil. just me and june 17th. this has cause a bit of introspection and speculation about my genetic donors. do they feel any pain over it . . . do they miss us girls . . . that kind of rot. not questions i would ever really want the answers to. answers would mean actually communicating with them. ick. but the thoughts do pop into my head. as far as kasey, even if nothing more than oblivion meets us at death, she is in a better place than she was. and she is safe now. it is still a tragedy, but i don't weep over it like i used to. what's done is done.

but those thoughts occupy so little of my time. i watch TV obsessively. mostly the Discovery channel. then i don't think very much at all about myself or my feelings. i think about the information i'm seeing. even though daytime Discovery isn't the most uplifting of programming ("i shouldn't be alive", "a haunting"), it is distracting and i do learn things from it. and it keeps me off E! because that channel does no one any good. no matter how fun it is to laugh at.

i'm just rambling here. i need to find my clever. i left it in my room, so it should still be there. it's probably with my wit. wit and clever often hang out together. i'll find them. until then, rambles it is.

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