this is a big deal. i've been afraid of showering alone for a couple three years now. i can't hear what is going on in the apartment when i'm in the shower. i fear someone will come in and try to hurt me.
now that i am examining my fears, it seems an easy thing to conquer them. one at a time, of course. i don't want to overload myself and set myself up for failure.
i want myself back, cydniey, the person i created to get past all of kristin's fears and pain. kristin is the one that is weak and gets into trouble. cydniey is the strong one that can handle any situation. kristin has been around too long this time. i let her get control, which is funny since kristin has no control.
this isn't a split personality thing. as kristin, i created cydniey. i chose to become the person i wrote about. i chose to put kristin away where she couldn't hurt anyone, especially herself.
then, sometime in the past few years, i let kristin out and let her gain control again. it was an accident and i wish i could take it back. so i'm putting her back with the other relics from the 80s. she belongs with the pain and memories of the past. cydniey looks toward the future. kristin can't see a future.
kristin is the opposite of cydniey. her weaknesses are cyd's strengths. cyd does the poetry readings and the creative stuff. kristin is frozen in her fear and can't let her mind deal with creativity, her mind is too full of fear and sadness.
. . .
doc just called from work. i love having a house phone. he calls just to check in on me and make sure i'm okay. and i get to tell him how okay i am doing.
he also left me over half a pot of coffee this morning. that is icing on the cake.
i have my list of stuff to do today:
not much, and yet, just enough to keep me busy. though i'm going to have to stop listening to this song eventually through the headphones and get off my butt and away from lj. hee.