Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

the past couple of days

kelli leaves tonight.

and wow, has it been fun. she taught me things outside aren't so scary and she made me push myself. hopefully pushed to the point where i can do it on my own. i feel pretty confident about that. she taught me that there is still confidence inside of me that i just need to call on.

she got here the day that Henry died and helped doc and i through the grief. now we can all remember big fat furry Henry without the tears.

i wouldn't trade the last several months for anything. i would have rather that Henry didn't die, but that is a part of life and we were lucky that kelli was here for it.

and all the months and celebrations in between. the best holiday season (how will i ever compete with our marathon cookie making alone this year?) and the best birthday . . . it has all been grand. the trip to see the light display at Ethel M chocolates factory was the best.

then the more mundane trips to the store and to the doctor . . . again, teaching me that it isn't so hard and isn't so scary.

the sadness of her leaving is still here, but today the happiness of our experiences overrides that.

and tomorrow i will clean doc's stuff out of my room, back to his and my room will be clean. and it will be just me and the cats and that will be okay.

she's gone now. kelli, that is. i put her in a cab last night around 9:30. i didn't cry, at her request. she reminded me that human emotions make her feel 'squeebie'. agreed.

doc asked me why i spent so little time in the living room with her while she was here. i told him that i didn't want to bother her and make her leave. that all i wanted to do was make her stay, when the decision was never really up to me. it wasn't me that made her go. it only matters in my head. but my head was enough to keep me in my room.

this place seems so big now.

i got up and put in my favorite pink CD. i've listened to it twice now, loud, singing along with it. i have in my head a list of things to do. tidy the kitchen. move doc's boxes. it goes on like this. small things to keep me busy. doc told me to dye my hair today. i'm apparently going out to dinner with him and a co-worker. so i have enough things to keep me going all day.

i expect by the end of the weekend i'll be comfortable in the living room again.

meanwhile i can't post to lj and i'm getting really frustrated with it.

. . .

i'm glued to the computer. afraid to walk away from it into the empty apartment. i walked slowly through kelli's, now doc's room. about an hour ago. now i'm terrified to get up and leave the computer. and my klonopin, which i should have taken when i got up, is in the other room.

i know this fear and sadness will end. i know i'll get used to having the apartment to myself for ten hours a day again. fifty hours a week to fill. okay, i can't think like that, that is truly self-defeating. just the mention of it makes me want to crawl into bed.

. . .

i started by putting on me jeans. then i took a klonopin. then i emptied the ashtray in the living room and then i cleaned the kitchen. these tasks don't take as long as i hope they will.

the cats are all still asleep. i'm wondering what their reaction will be.

i still can't post to lj. this is beyond annoying.

i was a real mess until about 3 yesterday. doc got out of work early and got home around 4:30 and i was fine by then.

today, with doc's help, i'll move his stuff back into his room. kelli left everything spotless, so it will be easy for him to spread out and sort through his stuff. and i can't wait for a clean room again. with floor space to do my workout tapes.

i noticed my back fat yesterday and decided to diet right and hardcore for a couple of months and see if i can't get rid of it. i'd love to get back down to a 33" waist so i can wear the combat fatigues that girlgoyle sent me a while ago. i have enough that i can wear a different pair every day, with a skirt on sundays.

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