and here is where i plug my own stuff. happy colored jewelry and other hand made items. along with kelli's paintings, as mentioned above.
it's 75 outside. joy, the cool temps return!
there are two staplers on the table and neither of them are my teal swingline . . . hrmph. need to find that. i also need doc to get sandpaper at walmart this weekend. S found me a wood box with glass inlay for a photo. but it has the most icky paint job. i have to sand it down to where it can be painted again. and all of the hardware needs to be cleaned off, which i can do with my dremel tool.
i wish i could identify what i'm feeling so i could write it down. but i can't, or haven't been able to. it isn't depression . . . it's lost. i feel lost. i stare at my face in the mirror and i am unfamiliar to me. i don't remember me. i need a reboot. ECT was supposed to be that reboot, but it wasn't. it just dragged up a bunch of new error messages. "data not found" being the big one. "i forgot" is my new catch phrase.
i sit in my room alone while my best friend sits in the living room. i went out to watch something the other night and started to freak out. now i need to figure out why i'm freaking out in the living room. it isn't kelli. i know that. i don't know what my fucking problem is. i know i'm sick of it. it has been nearly a year since the last hospital stay and the ECT. why am i not getting any better?
where is that strength that i knew? the resolve and stubborness that i had? even the misplaced righteous indignation that i surfed on . . . gone. so it seems. i have no passion. i am a shell of myself. hiding behind a layer of fat and complete aloofness. i don't like it at all. what do i do? i don't know what to do. i want to snap out of it. i feel like i have blinders on. this isn't good. this needs to change.