Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

on a less depressing note

the other night in my sleep i did a lot of jabbering. doc said the only coherent thing i said was, "seize the opportunity". and it set me to wondering what i was dreaming about that i would say something so empowering. so i've been trying to save my dreams and remember them. and something i've discovered is that in my recent dreams, something from the past happens and i change the outcome. i do the changing.

this tells me that i haven't given up hope, like i feel i have. there is still a lot of hope inside me and apparently a lot of power. if my subconcious is changing "reality" to better outcomes, it means that some part of me is still in control.

doc and i have been talking about my memory problems and the results of the year long memory dump that the ECT caused. i've come to terms with forgetting a season of a show i like, and losing a year of memories with doc. but i haven't dealt with the wall of creativity (literally a wall of shelves with all my supplies stored neatly) and the memory loss there. i still don't know how i made the books. i know i did it, but i don't remember how. and that scares me away from the wall. but i should be embracing the wall, making it my own again.

i think i'll start with the jewelry. or maybe the CD suncatchers. i have plenty of things to do, it's just a matter of not letting them scare me anymore. i created the wall, i put everything up on it, it's mine.

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