everything that's going on is either too personal or no one's business . . . i can't write about it here.

i'm holding on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth. there is too much stress that i can't get rid of. it just keeps building. i've got 30 days inpatient on my insurance and it may soon be time to use it and go back to the hospital for a bit. let's all hope i don't have to do that, that if i do it, it's because i want to.i want to go get the rest of the ECT and just chill out for a bit. not have to be strong about things i don't know the outcome to.

if that makes any sense. i'll forget i wrote this in an hour. oy.

maybe ECT isn't the answer, but i won't know that until it's done right. medication doesn't seem to be the answer (though aside from the stress, i feel pretty good with the increase in cymbalta). well, medication doesn't seem to be the whole answer. without my antipsychotic medication, things would suck and i would be hallucinating. it's just the depression that isn't giving an inch.

and i really need to take a stronger stand in my healing. i need to drag my butt out to the living room and socialize with my best friend, who moved all the way out here. i need to be sterner with myself and more active in my healing. i'm too much of a lump that is a slave to my mind. best that i stop that before i go round the bend completely.

a little bit of sanity is all you need. just enough to get a grip on.