now the food dish is in plain view of the living room, office and kitchen. each of the cat's food intake and trips to the litter box is watched. we will never suck like that again.
and that is why i completely freaked out when jack got sick.
and now i can let go of the guilt i have, i have learned a lesson from it.
and none of the above changes the fact that i did everything i possibly could to save him once we knew he was sick. that does not make up for his death or his illness, but it does at least point out i am not irretreivably stupid. i can learn. and for those who still say to me that it was just his time and that shit happens, thank you. that makes my soul feel better.
for those who now think i am cruel and neglectful, i get that. but food was available to him at all times. i may be stupid, but i'm not neglectful. just not as watchful as i would want to be or as i am now. maybe it's the same?
leeloo now sleeps in the box/bed we set up for henry. she and chloe take turns in it during the day. it sits under my worktable and is visible from the kitchen and in here, even from parts of the living room. we call it "the basket", now.
i keep the last picture i ever took of henry on my camera. he was drinking water on his own. we thought he was getting better. and maybe that day he was. it was the day before he died.
this is sad. i wanted answers from the vet so i didn't have to be sad anymore. so i could learn the truth and move on. and now that i've written this all down, maybe i can do that.