Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

yesterday i got sad. it was the two week anniversary of henry passing. it wasn't a crushing sadness, just a lingering one. i feel better today.

today i need to clean the litter boxes and clean off my bathroom counter. i put them off yesterday.

i'm up really early, i should take my meds and go back to bed for a while. there, done. meds taken. this way i can sleep off the meds before anyone gets up.

i ran across a disk of pictures of henry. i miss him so much. kelli and doc say it's okay to still be sad.

but i'm happy about tomorrow. i wonder if i can get up in time to see the parade in new york.

i think i'll make scrambled eggs to go with the blueberry muffins and bacon. and i'll cook the bacon in the oven so there is less mess to deal with.

i also need to make candied walnuts today. i have chocolate chips, so i could melt them and dip the walnuts in chocolate. we'll see on that one. that would take forever and i don't know if i'm willing to invest in forever. either weay the walnuts will be great. i found my old recipe from and old printing of the betty crocker cookbook. it was my mother's. i've got a printing that is close, but doesn't have the walnut recipe in it.

jack is playing with his doorknob toy. he has two of them and just recently discovered them, though they've been on the front door and our bedroom door for forever. he's all weirded out that i am up this early. i am up during cat time. even leeloo is giving me the evil eye from the chair in the living room that she only sleeps on when we are in bed.

i put on pink's I'm Not Dead CD yesterday and realized it will forever remind me of hank. he loved pink's voice. he loved to listen to the CD with me. and there are bits and pieces of songs that my mind assigned to him.

"i'm not dead, just floating. i'm not scared, just changing"

"underneath the cuts and bruises, in a game where no one loses, i'll find you"

"When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew"

the songs aren't about losing a long loved companion of a cat, but certain things remind me. he loved it when i sang. we always said he was tone deaf because of it. that last day i sang to him a lot.

i looked him in the eye and made him promise to live. i held him on my stomach and wept on him and made him promise. but cats can't promise anything like that. they have to go when they are called to go.

i still search for my lost belief. i burn candles for him, there is comfort in ritual. but i can't see him up in the heavens with kasey looking down on me. i can't believe that, and like dominoes, every other stone in my belief system toppled over. candle lighting, wishcraft, the goddess . . . all of it in a heap in my mind that seems to big to try to put it back together.

but i feel better today. and better is good.

i broke out the mavica camera for kelli to use and didn't explain its eccentricities. but now that it's out, i want to use it. i missed its simplicity. a button to everything. and the view screen is more true than the canon powershot. you get a better idea of the brightness.

we went dowstairs to go to the store the other day, and there was a small rubber skeleton at the bottom of our stairs, balanced on the railing. we decided to leave it there, since we already gave to death this month. we decided it was a small talisman.

doc finally checked his messages and there was one from henry's vet. i think i may call him this week, just to let him know what happened and how. it seemed like henry had a stroke of some kind. but i don't know. the vet was surprised, as henry was getting better, and very sympathetic about the whole thing. it went along with his condolence card well. once we have the henry bill paid off, we'll be taking the other cats in for thier shots and checkups. and i'll be wanting my vet back. there are many who work in the animal hospital, but i want our vet.

and that is all the rambling i plan to do now. the meds are hitting me and it is a perfect time to go lay down for a while.

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