in going through old MP# disks, i got about half of my Then Jerico collection back. i'm going to have to try to buy it used again. i bought it once and it never came. it was only a couple of dollars and it was through amazon.com, but . . . but. just but. it never happened.
today i threw away my inflatable furniture. it was in a bag in the closet and just seeing it made things so much worse. kasey once asked me if she could have it and i said no because i figured it would piss off my mom. and i always regretted not giving it to her because of my wish to have given her everything she asked of me. and i guess it's silly, but it is what it is. i had to throw it away and get it away from me. make sure it wasn't hidden in stuff where i would just trip over it again and have everything thrown sideways. again.
god, just thinking about it . . .
grief is like hate to me. it feeds me and makes me decay at the same time. i don't like either of them.
i got up from my nap and folded laundry and tidied the kitchen and vacuumed. now i'm ripping CDs and listening to the stereo loud because the neighbors downstairs can't complain. i was up at 8 yesterday from the bass from downstairs. i was so unhappy. i also figured out they have two stereos. and both are really loud.
the knee of my jeans is shredding. i don't mind. though this is my only pair of jeans. my camo pants are in the wash. it is very simple having two pair of pants. either one or the other. neither decent to take me out in. hee.
i think one of my problems is that i enjoy my need to stay indoors, in my own space, too much. i can pretend it is whatever i want, without interruptions from the outside. and i look at the news shows like transmissions from outer space. mostly. sometimes i let it get to me. like the whole steve irwin thing. i have three stuffed crocs . . . a beach towel with a giant croc on it. i have a wooden skeletal model on my dresser of a croc. steve irwin fed my love of crocs and gators. so that coverage, non-stop, of his death got to me. but it also numbed me. i'll have to think on this more.
when everything is a contradiction of something recent or something known (like a habit), then i know that something is coming on. maybe a bit of a manic episode. maybe that is ending and i'm going into limbo for a while. that's all it is, up, down or in limbo. kind of numb and a little bit mean. come to think of it, i'm kind of a mean person. i'm mean to myself most of all. i'm mean to doc sometimes. and everyone else i just ignore, and that is mean. i never thought of it before. another thing i got from my mom. or just from life.