Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


i revel at how he can make me cry without even trying
and my insistence that he go away is an invitation to stay
i can't hate him for long
by the time he gets back i will be calm i will be in control i will be a warrior with a stone face
i turn my head away because i won't cry in front of him
he turns away so that i don't have to
and it always seems this happens when he's leaving the house
i can't stand change
the change of him going out
the change of him coming home
the change of wakefulness after sleep even if the sleep was bad
and i don't cry because of our spat
i cry that i am so thrown off by the sight of him leaving
even if he will be back in an hour
i will spend that hour terrified that he won't come home
that something will happen to him that is tragic
i already know i wouldn't know how to deal
we've had a dry run of it when he had his 'accident'
i tried to take control then
i tried to be the one he could count on
i tried to be the organizer and the decision maker
i tried to fill his shoes while he was still in them
still i revel how he can make me cry without even trying
i'm amazed at how deep his words cut
and i know they are just words and should bounce right off of me
but they don't, they sink in and fester and quickly
and there are the tears so hot and fast
and i turn away from him and tell him to leave
the choice of the change of him leaving is mine now
and i feel a little better for it

i finally decided to write about doc. not all the time, but this has been going around in my head since yesterday when we argued.
Tags: poetry

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