Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

  • Music:
i'm sober
completely unmediicated
everything seems so harsh
i'm so over
the hard edges of
the news and your absence
and your indecision
i've been waiting for you
i've been watching for your name
and you left a hint
and i thought it would happen
but we were both wrong
it seems we're just wrong
but i try so hard
i want you to think i'm sane
so you won't be afraid
but i can't hide something like that
i'm too sober
and it all comes out
and like a fool i write it down
i'll be over
there in the corner
not hiding
just being subtle
he says i can't be subtle
that never stopped me trying
i'd moved on
you moved on
then for a fleeting moment
we moved closer to each other
and now it's gone
what could i ever be?
i'm too much of me
and i can't hide that
i've tried so hard
i've tried until sober
i wish i didn't need
i try not to want
i'm just scary
it's too complicated
i'm not dead anymore
and that should count
that should erase the bad
i'm still here and doing well
but could i ever be it?
could i be it again?
was i ever it?
whatever i was,
i loved it and
i miss it
i miss you

i'm listening to pink, chain smoking and trying to write poetry. good plan.

i've gotten some good feedback on the forum. encouraging feedback. but i need to make sure i can still write. that worries me. i'm not worried i have writers block. i'm afraid i have no writer left in me. but the people in the forum are so open with each other with criticism and praise. it is a very cool place. i read and read hoping for inspiration to knock me out like it used to. to where i get words and they keep coming. like above. and i'll read it over again and decide if i still have 'it'.

then maybe i need to work on getting down the emotions that i've been feeling. which means i need to start paying attention to the emotions that i'm having. which i've been pretty much avoiding. i realized that as i fell asleep this afternoon. that i had to be sleeping to avoid something.

maybe today it was the shock of steve irwin's death. i read around, it shocked a lot of people. and the whole death thing is triggering to me. especially such a shocking out of no where kind of death. we all have something that does that to us. something that just hits us in the soul. and that is it, death. right now as i write about it i want a xanax. i won't take one, but i want it. i want it to stop the thoughts of death. i have pink on instead of the TV to keep me from the steve irwin onslaught that is the media right now.

it's hard to explain. am i a bad person for not feeling the same thing every day for the soldiers or civilians of war? am i shallow for feeling such shock and dismay at a celebrity's death? i don't know. i don't care. but i wonder in fleeting moments.

and there's other loss. there are things other than death that we mourn. like what i was talking about above. we grieve finished relationships. maybe not all of them, but the close ones we do.

and sometimes i just miss the shit out of her. she doesn't know, but i do. maybe she knows. i don't know. who knows?

isn't my new icon cool? i'm going to have that red hair back soon. i'm sick of being a blonde and like the red better anyway. plus my hair is getting long again finally (the growing out phase with naturally curly hair is . . . unattractive and hard to control), as you may have seen on camera. but now it is to the point where i can run my fingers through it and it will go back to where it was. that shows progress. it's also long enough to pull up off my neck with a hair band. that is a plus. i'm learning to love and embrace the long hair. as much as i want a mohawk until i'm 50, i'm learning to love it. once it is red and in my face all the time i'll like it more. i love hair in my face. i saw high school out of one eye. love the hair in my face. right up until i don't. then i don't really hard.

this is the song of the broken friendship, kind of funny i would end this entry with it.
Tags: poetry

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