the sense of urgency is finally gone and i am left in a really horrible mood. what is my deal? i'm supposed to be happy and motivated. is my lack of motivation making me unhappy?
i almost feel like looking for things that i can't remember the locations of. then i get mad about my ECT. and that is a nice cycle. not. at. all.
i should go play with the new to us DVD player. i find it creepy because it will tell us what show is on as we scroll through the channels.
oh hey, i forgot to take my day meds. guess i will be going to sleep for a while after all.
doc wanted me to go get the mail. i don't think i can do that. i can't even unlock the door all the way. i wish i knew what was scaring me so badly about outside. i want to get over it so i can go to the gym during the day. it's my family. i'm afraid of being seen. though i wouldn't even be recognized. i don't want to be seen coming out of my apartment. it isn't just my family. it is all people i distrust. i need to walk down to M's apartment and get my hammer back. and i can't do it. i can't take out the garbage.
i hate saying "can't". i won't do these things because something in my brain is stopping me. if i could isolate the one thing, the one weird fear that is causing it, i could work on it.
is value intrinsic or is it applied? i put "applied". and i have applied none to myself. no matter what i do, until i get it from someone else, until i hear i've done well, i don't know that i have. i feel nothing about what i have done until someone validates it for me. that isn't right. but it is the way it is. but how many really do that? i don't know. self worth isn't something that has come up in many conversations in my life. not with friends. maybe in the hospital at one time or another, discussing it in group. it isn't something we really talk about. (i don't know who the christ "we" is supposed to be, i guess i think there are those of like mind)
i'm still listening to pink. pointing at people in my head: this song is for you and this one is for you. considering i can barely listen to anything from her first one, she has come a long way musically. and become much more open in her lyrics, much more personal. i like personal work. even if it is wrapped in pop's trappings.
i've been writing for a while now, taking breaks. the medication is starting to affect me. i have to be awake for doc to get home. i have to be awake for the fed ex guy tomorrow morning. and i really should go up to the mailboxes so i can at least mail the forms i had to fill out.
we have to get the car towed this week. lucky we're getting a down payment to the mechanic tomorrow. so we'll have a fixed car soon. life will be so much easier once it is registered and insured and we can actually use it. the hardest part was getting it to a mechanic, but we found one. the car will likely be towed tomorrow or friday. this is an exciting thing. with a car, we can get to the social security office. i may be identified by the time kam316 gets here.
it will also be much easier to find a new apartment. we won't have to make sure it is on a bus route. we have to move at the end of november. or is it the beginning? i can check that later. but we are moving. and it is going to be hell finding something in the price range we're paying now with the room we need. we may end up staying here an extra 6 months if we can. i can't even imagine moving until at least our car is fixed. then i'll be able to visualize it.
of course, once the car is legal, we will be broke again. mobile, but broke. no, the insurance won't be all that much. we won't be as broke as we were during the wage garnishment. that just sucked. and showed us we need a break from the rent. we need to find a house that we can afford, if barely, for a while. or a townhouse. i need to be watching craigslist more.