May 3rd, 2017

2013, cyd, new

Choices

I feel like I owe a bunch of you an explanation for what happened beyond "Chris died."

Here's what I've learned in the last six months:
- the constant openness I was expressing was killing me. It allowed me to wallow in feelings I should never have given credence to.
- the lack of a solid following of a few, but devoted fans, after 18 years of this was beating my self esteem into the ground. I've been digging for months and I can't get it back yet.
- a string of tragedies that were purely mine was too much for me to share because it was personal, on a deep layer that few will ever see.
- the friends I have collected here over the years would never be able to fully understand, because it isn't just what I am feeling, it's going on actively all of the time.
- Our 45th president has the person closest to me on edge with this Korea nonsense, and I needed time for him.

I don't know if I will continue from here. I was hoping that I could get a back-up copy of at least one of my sites, but that has proven impossible. I am rebuilding at phoenixwillrise.com, but that's pretty empty right now as I take care of offline endeavors.

I have kept writing poetry. I got Bell's Palsy, freezing half of my face and I still can't speak well enough to record right now. Plus, I set up my mic using Chris' advice, and I can't even look at it right now. It's been six months, so of course I'm not over it yet.

And there I go again. Grief is a useless and harmful feeling and I shouldn't be wallowing in it. So, point made by my own impulsiveness.