May 27th, 2016

2013, cyd, new

Dear Diary, Adventures in Being Adventurous

Dear Diary,

It has been an eventful morning. That is a vastly bizzare understatement. My 30 year friendship with my best friend, Kelli came to an end this morning. The management company decided to spring a surprise inspection on us. And the various other things that I was dealing with this morning through my email box.

Doc got up, and I was tense. And I knew he was just going to frustrate me more. I didn’t have any fire for my smoke, so I decided, out of the blue, to get dressed and walk up to the store and get a lighter. I needed a walk, I needed time alone to think.

So, out I go. Picture me, tangled hair, combed with fingers back off of my face, black jeans, motorcycle boots and a grey wife-beater over a black bra. I’m strolling along in the heat and sun beating off the main drag by my house. I’m red and sweating with the effort, and probably have a nasty look on my face because I am thinking nasty thoughts. I get to a cross street. look, and start to cross. Squeal of brakes, a car turning in, from I don’t know where, passes 6 inches from me. Completely blind with rage, I kick my foot out as the car goes by me, and dent the passenger door, quite badly.

The car drives a few yards, and screeches to a halt. A small bleach-blonde woman in gaudy athletic wear emerges from the car, with her phone pointed at me. I get that she is recording me. She starts to slowly approach me as I stand, now in the middle of the cross street, with my hands on my hips. As she approaches, I say, loudly, so as to be heard over the traffic behind me, “You need to call the police.” “Why?” she stupidly asks me, continuing to film and slowly approach. “Because I am going to fuck you up and they are going to need to arrest me unless you get in that car and drive quickly away, NOW.”

As I am saying this, she is backing slowly away, still recording. When I finish, her phone-arm drops to her side and she stands there, agape. I took one step toward her. She turned and ran back to her car and squealed tires away. I couldn’t believe it.

What’s the replacement cost on the passenger side door of a Nissan coupe? Because I fucked her car up. There’s no pounding that shit out. And she has me on film. And I was on foot near my home, so I won’t be hard to find.

So, look for me on the evening news or on the youtube or facebook, with some yuppie chick hunting me down to pay for the cost of her door. And maybe a little of her pride.

I was going to go into the other stuff, but I don’t have the energy. To sum up: I managed to put off the inspection with jabber about 24 hour written notice and violation of tenants rights, until Thursday. By then we will have the animals and plants stashed away. The house is in great shape, so I’m not at all worried about that. I just really freak out when someone is at my door insisting I let them in to poke around.

The shit with Kelli, it’s been a long time coming. Her toxic attitude is completely destroying my psyche, as she is the only person I’ve had to talk to. It’s sad that it is ending. And it’s horrible that it is ending the way that it is, for both of us. But it’s a break I have to make. I am drowning, and I don’t know how to swim, let alone save someone else from the waves. I’ve been trying. I’ve knocked myself out trying to help get her out of her funk and help her improve her life. I have offered her a new home in a new city with new job opportunities. I have offered/provided her with outlets for her art, including sales and promotion, which just doesn’t interest her anymore. Nothing does. Nothing but complaining. That’s all we do. We complain at each other. When I try to tell her what I’m up to, to try to inspire her to get up and do something for herself, she just shuts down and ignores me. I can’t take it anymore.

And on top of all of that, when I told her she had hurt my feelings, she gave me the standard bullshit response I have advised her myself to give people who she is completely done with. After 30 years, I have the courage to tell her my feelings were hurt, and that is what she gives me back. Fuck her. Really. I give her better than that. I deserve better than that.

So that was the emotion behind me freaking out on the woman who almost took my life today. And I really hope I don’t have to pay for that door. Maybe it’s time to change my hair again.

2013, cyd, new

Dear Diary, But it's a Dry Heat

Dear Diary,

And now we will discuss why Cydnieys do not go out during the day. This is the pathetic part of the story I started telling you in my last post.

You may or may not know that since I started taking Latuda, I am physically unable to automatically regulate my body temperature. I did not consider this when I went out in full “uniform”, with no hat or shades, in the middle of the day, on foot. with no water. That was . . . ill conceived.

The walk up was okay. Aside from the battle with the car, things went smoothly. By the time I reached the store, I was sweating balls, and sure I was bright red. The guy behind the counter and I recognized each other and said hi. As I got my drink and panted under the a/c vent, I recounted my adventure to him and we laughed. We arranged which local news channels we would watch, and agreed to meet back up over the weekend to talk about it and see if I was wanted.

Then I got my drink up to the counter and picked out a couple of disposable lighters. He rang it up ans we jabbered and talked about what has been going on with us, and my debit card kept getting declined. I finally looked at the card and realized I had brought the one that hadn’t yet been activated. He took pity on me and offered to buy my lighters for me, which I turned him down, and then he comped my drink for me.

The way home, in spite of the refreshing beverage, was really rough. I hadn’t been able to catch my breath, calm down the adrenaline, or cool down in the store. And I was back out on a wide street with a lot of traffic and no shade. And my feet hurt. My socks were too thick for my boots.

On the verge of collapse, I found some construction signs on the side of the road and curled up among them, trying to cling to any bit of shade from them. Hidden from the view of the passers-by, I lay down on the hot concrete to catch my breath for a few minutes. That is when I got the bad news from Kelli. It is also when Doc started texting, asking where I was because I had been gone for a while. I eventually got up and made it to the street I needed to be on, where there was some shade, and retaining walls to sit down and rest on every so often. Which I did. A couple of times, guys driving by offered me a ride (never underestimate the power of a wife-beater on a girl). I made it to my street, and some kids from the Felix hunt joined me for a while and sat with me when I needed to rest.

Then we parted ways, and I continued on my own, four houses left. I sat down on the sidewalk a couple of times, and finally made it to my driveway. And that is where my memory ends.

Until I woke up on the floor of the foyer, bathed in sweat and drool, with a VERY concerned Doc and Chewbacca hovering over me. I don’t know how long I was out, Doc guessed it was about five minutes, from the time I opened the door, to when I snapped to.

At some point along the walk, I had taken off my shoes and finished the walk in my socks. When I got into the house, before I collapsed, I managed to put my soda down and take my glasses of. But I have no recall of it.

It’s been a couple of hours, and I think I’ve recovered now. I have some things to do, then I think I will take a well-deserved nap with my dog and maybe a couple of cats.