March 30th, 2016

2013, cyd, new

Dear Diary, Things are Better

Dear Diary,

Okay. I figured it out. Yes, there was some figuring to do, and I couldn’t just let things go with “grief rage” as an explanation. So I thought and I thought and I tapped my thinking place on my head, and it came to me. He’s not fighting me, he’s not lashing out at me (I knew this part), he is projecting his feelings about the other women in his life onto me. DUH!

So, after taking some rough time to get through to him, to get him to open up enough to actually listen to me and not just react. That was hard. That wore us out. It was my first real time with that side of diplomacy, and I sucked at it, but I kept going and pushed until he opened like an angry black flower.

Then I simply told him, “It’s okay. You are home now, you are safe. You’re with me, and I am going to take care of you. You’re here, with the family, we love you and we’re here for you. You now need to stop fighting me, and let me love you.”

And it worked. heavysighofrelief

Things have been peaceful since. We are laughing. We split an Italian hoagie and chili cheese fries for lunch, he paid even though I offered it as my treat. He’s watching his show right now and I am listening to music. Once the show is over, we’re going out to the studio to let him help me place the assembly pieces for the necklace he designed last night. I started making it, and got the basics done, and then realized his design required math. So, that’s why I hadn’t come up with the design or something similar, math. He doesn’t think about my mental limits, he just presents me with challenges and watches as I conquer them.

So yeah, I have a new jewelry designer. This is not the first idea he has come up with. The other one, he saw on the red carpet. We worked on it, and worked out the cost and practicalities and saw why it was on the red carpet and not in general circulation. Not a comfortable piece, but very impressive looking. I won’t let it go, I’m still trying to think of ways I can make it a more practical-to-wear thing. But this design last night came straight out of his head and was inspired by other work I’ve been doing, so it was natural for me to just go out there today and start making it. And it is not something I would ever wear. I love it, don’t get me wrong, and I can see it in a lot of situations, but not on me. It will go on Etsy, instead of in the shop, since it doesn’t really fit in the punk rock theme. I can’t do everything punk rock, it will make me unbalanced.

I was reading about doulas the other day, and it occurred to me, that would be a nice thing to have during menopause. Seriously, it is another time in a woman’s life when she has no idea what is going on with her body, because no one talks about it, and the doctors are mostly in charge and the ones with all the knowledge. And I’ve been reading that menopause’s hormonal changes can exacerbate schizophrenia. So I kind of know that I will need a bit of extra care when this happens. And Doc, bless him, may not be the best advocate during this time. Sure, he will buy me tampons, but he can’t say “period”, and will hear nothing about it. So really, the best person I can think of for this time would be a doula who is also familiar with mental illness, and I know there have to be some out there.

I want to start wearing eyeliner again. For me it’s kind of a lifestyle choice I have to make consciously. I rub my eyes a lot, so I have to think of that and be aware of it. But my eye lashes and brows have turned blonde on their own, and my eyes look really small, and they have always been my best feature. So I’ve been thinking of taking up the black kohl again. It kind of goes with wearing more jewelry. I suddenly want to ornament myself. I think it’s Ana Voog’s indirect influence. She ornaments herself so well. She really knows how to pretty herself up, as it were. She changes looks, and styles, and pulls it all off. She’s just got that sense. But I feel plain suddenly, and it’s nothing to do with Ana at its base. It’s the whole mid-life thing I’m going through. The “new Cydniey” thing I’ve been doing lately. Or, trying to do. But she is a good influence on me, she makes me want to care about myself more, my appearance, and that has been seriously lacking. I’ve kind of let that aspect of my illness settle in and get comfortable. And I have to stop. We will figure out a solution to my teeth, and I will be able to go out again. I want to look good. Shallow? Maybe, okay, yeah, but that’s me.

Okay, it is finally settled in my head, I am going to do a reading of Franke Potente’s song “Believe” from “Run Lola Run”. I’ve been playing with this idea for a while. I used the song to go with an art video, but Sony didn’t buy my “fair use” argument and banned me in Germany on youtube. So I took the video down before youtube got mad at me and took away my streaming privileges. If I could learn the German lines in “Running”, that would be awesome, but I think that is beyond me. So, “Believe” it is.