March 28th, 2016

2013, cyd, new

Dear Diary, Ugh

Dear Diary,

I could use some guidance, here. I don’t know how to deal with Doc’s grief. I will never be in his situation, so I can’t even begin to imagine where his head is at. His grieving process seems to be: eating, sleeping, crying while listening to music from Budapest on his headphones, and completely freaking the fuck out on me with alarming frequency. I get everything but the last one. And it is getting worse, he is sinking. And he is doing the same things that led to him being in part of this situation, he is not calling home. He is avoiding everything. He finally went out yesterday because Boo was out of food for the third day. Don’t worry, I’ve been giving her boiled chicken and rice and milk. Yes, her system tolerates milk well.

I don’t know what to do. He asks me a question, it sounds urgent, and when I answer, he interrupts me and tells me to shut up, already, all I do is talk at him. And it’s not just a few times. It is EVERY time he engages me in conversation. Then he either finds things, which, again, I kind of get, I nitpick when I’m in a bad mood. But he makes things up to freak out about. And it isn’t just shouting. It is all out, all of a sudden, out of nowhere screaming at me. And when I try to calm him down, he changes the subject and brings up something I am sensitive about that he knows will get a rise out of me. Usually a complete lie.

Today I went out to smoke a cigarette after such an episode, and when I came in he started talking to me like nothing happened. I couldn’t let it go. I told him not to talk to me until he had a good think and figured out where his head was. I wasn’t entertaining his rage anymore. Then I took the laptop and went into my room and stayed there until he left. And then I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Kelli and I are not plotting to run away from home.