December 14th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

It's just not happening

I can’t do Christmas. I’m aiming for New Year’s. I’m going to get as many packages and cards out on time as possible, but it’s not all going to happen in time for Christmas. Part of it is my own holiday schedule, Yule goes until Knut on Jan 13th. And it just started yesterday.


Most of it is that I am too sick to cook without infecting the eastern seaboard. The rest of it is the anti-psychotic withdrawals that aren’t as bad as heroin withdrawals, but close enough. I waver between puking up my meds and having little psychotic breaks where I cry hysterically.


Imagine, not a lot is getting done. I am feeling somewhat better today, and will be able to package up some stuff. I just want people to know I didn’t forget them. I’m just extending the holiday a little.


I’m really sorry. I made a lot of big plans for this holiday season. And I plan on keeping as many of them as possible. I will do this. Just not in time.

2013, cyd, new

I Can't Show You any New Art . . .

012But maybe I have some things that haven’t been widely seen. Like this first one, this is a bowl I made out of pony beads and heat. I tried multiple times, but only got three nice bowls. Luckily they are very festive and won’t fit into everyone’s decor, so having a small inventory shouldn’t be a problem. I have more pony beads on my amazon.com wishlist, in case more people want them.


They are really pretty things, and so tactile. I have a sheet of melted pony beads from a bowl I melted too much and I use it as a tactile soother. The smooth beads and random colors comfort me.


I have to say right now, that if it weren’t for Chewbacca and the cats, and finally, late last night, Doc. I would not have gotten through the last two days unscathed. Last night was messy. It was every paranoid delusion I had about Doc, yelled at him through hysterical tears. Three times I broke down. I kept going to sleep for an hour and then waking up and having a breakdown. Finally he understood it was serious, and I wasn’t fucking about. I was in real trouble. I was accusing him of “trying to break me”, and messing with my IMG_0030ahead intentionally. And told him I knew he and Kelli were against me and trying to break me down and make me not be an artist anymore and live like a normal person. So much sobbing and hysteria and hyperventilating. The dog was frantic. He never knows what to do, stop Doc from making me cry, he can tell by the tone. Or come over to me and lick my tears. He’s just never sure.


Yeah, I think I’ll start adding pictures to posts. I don’t actually expect you to be looking at the galleries I worked so hard to make, you are the reading crowd, not the surfing-through-the-site-crowd. So it won’t hurt to feature some of these pictures that I have altered with Photoshop, but Havoline widely shown. Some have been featured on my Fabulous Disaster page on Facebook. As I did them, I posted the links to the tutorials I used. If you’re into Photoshop, it’s worth checking out. I have some really good tutorials that you can actually learn from posted up there. I’ll review and post them here, eventually, once I am over the Christmas Thing.


Let’s just call it the Yule thing. We have officially switched over to my Swedish Celebration of Yule. It’s quiet, low key, and most of all it relieves me of my guilt for not completing Christmas Tasks according to Christianity’s schedule. It just wasn’t happypossible this year. Things came up that I couldn’t have foreseen, like the medication withdrawal. I will properly yell at Doctor B for not warning me how rough it was going to be, even with the tapering off. The itching has stopped. That was three rough days. My head almost got shaved this weekend, the itching was so bad. My beautiful hair, gone. So close. I had the clippers plugged in when Doc got wind of what I was doing. He stopped me from doing so many horrible things last night. Like stabbing myself in the leg. And going longer without meds. He cooked me Cuban Black Beans and Rice for dinner, which I had with sourdough bread and the thinnest layer of cream cheese. It made the beans saucier, so yum.


I’m thinking of a roast beef sandwich for dinner. Doc got me many, so I would eat my calories all week. And Arby’s is really gentle on my stomach. It doesn’t really matter. The website said I would vomit no matter what. Just like I would itch, no matter what. And that was true, no amount of baths or lotion soothed it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The sweating was just funny. Doc kept coming in here to me without my shirt. And I kept running outside in the wind cyd_b55astorm to cool off. Which probably isn’t good for my cold, but I can’t stop sweating. Doc kept coming in and finding me topless, which I never do. With a bra on, sure, but not completely, titis-out topless. I just can’t help it. I have on a very light tshirt now, and I’ve managed to keep it on for a couple of hours.


I was going to lay down and take a nap, but I’m riding a full 2mg of Xanax, because I have managed to save up 20 from my monthly prescription. Most of them go to Doc, but some I keep for myself for when I want to get completely zen. Which I am now.


The psychotic outbursts of last night seem so far away, yet so fresh. I said a lot of things to Doc that I have been meaning to, but they came out psychotic, so further discussion is not possible. I have to get a grip on my paranoia.


Doc and I talked about the pitfalls of having a caregiver that is also someone you love. Because you have to let out the ugly stuff. But it effects them, they aren’t just hearing from an unhinged lover, they are hearing all manner of hurtful stuff that can’t not get to them. That is the sin of it. And then they lost patience, or they start to lost it themselves. Doc is going into medication therapy. He is suffering horrible burnout, and his caregiver duties have not yet started. Give it another month. I will be completely out of his mind, rightfully, for the first time in way way too many years. I don’t envy him his immediate future.


bottlesI’m not even worried about being alone for 2 weeks. As long as he stocks me up with pet food and milk for coffee, I’ll be fine. And I can walk to the corner store and get more milk if I have to. Plus that will give me a chance to get corner store coffee, which I love. It’s always so strong, and they have cream and flavors.


If you’re not getting the pictures,  http://fabulousdisaster.com/2015/12/14/i-cant-show-you-any-new-art/ ‎will show them to you. And if you have any problem commenting over there, please tell me. I’m not getting any comments, though I am getting some traffic.


Drat, now I’m kind of tired. The animals curled up on the couch look so warm and comfy. I just want to curl up with them and fall asleep. But I only have two and a half hours and it will take me a half hour to go to sleep. Not worth it. I usually don’t sleep more than two hours at001a a time, but when it comes to getting Doc out of bed for work, I don’t fuck around. That is the most important thing. Fresh coffee, Rock Star Drink, wake up at 6. Send him to the showers at 6:45. Retrieve him at 7:15 for him to get out at 7:20, after a coordinated effort between us to get his bike tires filled. We’ve gotten really good at that dance. And he rides down the driveway saying, “Have a good night!” As I follow him down and around to the mailbox.


Speaking of mailbox, I think part of my Old Navy order was stolen. I have to call Old Navy tomorrow. I doubt there’s anything they can do, the pants in the order were clearance, and I’m sure they are out of them, but a store credit of even a few dollars would be cool. I’ll order from them again, the stuff I got for Doc looks really nice. And the colors match exactly what he chose. I was worried about the small-plaid shirt I got him, when it got here, there was a hot pink line all through the plaid that hadn’t been evident in the web photos. I was worried he would reject the shirt, and it’s his first new one, not from a thrift store, in years, so I wanted it to be perfect for him. He looked at it, studied it, worried me, and then pronounced it a nice touch and he could wear his comfy pale pink shirt underneath it. Whew. This is why we look at presents before Xmas eve. So there are no unpleasant surprises.


Now that my general hopelessness is wearing off, I’m going to try to install my software on here. Because it’s just a paperweight to me like this. I’d like to get Doc to stop playing his new game which shuts this off. It isn’t overheating, and it isn’t the power settings, those are the first things after a wipe that I adjust. From what we can tell, the graphics card is seated correctly and the RAM is not malfunctioning, though I really need to upgrade it. It has two 2gig in there. It can fit two 4gig. That would help things a lot.


bagiraSo, tonight I will be organizing and finishing up Yule presents and packages. I get paid Wednesday, so I’m going to do all of the shipping stuff from here. I have a scale, so I just have to pay for and print up the labels and call for a pick-up. Things may be late, but they will be sent with the utmost love.


And I kind of decided, once lucidity returned to me, I’m an artist. Why am I trying to conform to other people’s schedules? I want to get a package to Ireland sent off tomorrow because Doc has picked out gifts for a lovely young man I don’t want to ruin the Christmas of by being late. I don’t care how much I have to spend to get that one there on time. That is the only one Doc has to take to the post office, because he has to fill out a customs form. And I can’t send her any goodies, I don’t think. But it will be too soon to, when I send the package out.


I’m waiting until I’m not contagious to make holiday goodies for my friends across the U.S. Doc is going to help me, which is just really so cool. We’re making banana bread for locals, and candy and chocolate-sprinkle popcorn for those far away. I have to make a list for Doc. Unfortunately, everything is all spread out, and he will be out from 8 until 1 getting all the scattered stuff. Tins from the dollar store, if they are still there. Henry’s gifts tomorrow morning. We’ve called and had them held. My Xanax script, my laptop needs to be dropped off at a place. It’s labeled and paid for, so I don’t have to worry about that. I just feel bad for him having to do that. Oh, and the grocery store for popcorn. Then I’ll have all I need.


If he wants the house to smell good, he will buy and eat some oranges and give me the peels to simmer with cinnamon and nutmeg. It makes the house smell glorious. And we don’t make any fruit oriented things, besides the banana bread, so it’s nice to have a fruity smell going on.