October 20th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

I'm going full gurl for the winter. Let's have three cheers for my meds!

I ordered my arm warmers that go up far enough to cover ALL my scars and will let me wear short-sleeved shirts through the mild winter here. Doc said that, provided the clothes that come from Rose Wholesale are of sufficient quality, I can get my pirate skirt, and dresses and baggy pants for Xmas. So, full gurl. But, no, that isn't what settled it. What settled it was the boots. They over the knee, slightly scrunched, straps round the ankle, black leather pirate boots I picked up for $50 off. Normally worn with "skinny jeans", Doc was very concerned, as he reminded me, I do not have the body for skinny jeans. I have no butt and a formidable muffin top (called Ralph). I told him I had solved that. I decided to do an Edie Sedgewick thing and go for tights (with boots) and t-shirts (with arm-warmers, we have to modernize), and my black boxer briefs over the tights to cover my ass, because I do not have Edie's ass.

Doc didn't like what he envisioned. No one dresses like that, he said. No one dressed like that when Edie did it, I retorted. I can't be full-on gurly, all afraid and aware of my body. I have to keep some vestiges of control over my look. And part of that is looking like either everyone else (when in boy clothes) or no one at all (when in gurl clothes). I have a mini skirt I will wear. And Doc wants to take me to Savers to find a couple more. Since the boots cover my knees, I don't want to wear the long skirts anymore. And the tights should hide the new scars. Yes, scars, they have healed already. I told Doc if he trusted me to treat them, they would be healed in three weeks, and it was two.

I'm going to start wearing a necklace. I'm just not sure which one. I have three that I like. All black. I don't like wearing silver around my neck, I feel like I'm being chocked, I prefer to wear silk or leather around my neck and leaving the silver to build up the strength in my hands and wrists.

Is this my mid-life crisis? It came on slowly with the shaving of the legs and underarms, spritzing on cologne, flat ironing my hair, using scented lotions . . . and now I've ordered a lace and gauze faux corset pirate blouse (OKAY! I admit it, "Black Sails" is an obsession of mine, female pirate fashion was the peak of world fashion, it has all been downhill from there). I'm taking time out to try to feel pretty?

HA! Doc and I were talking about both of my birth parents messaging me on Facebook last month. Doc, Kel, and I all had the same reaction, "What are the after now?" Are they calling to buy me a car? Are they calling at my Nana's behest that they get my teeth fixed? Are they getting in touch to apologize for making my siblings hate me by blaming everything bad that happened to them on my sin and my leaving the family. Did someone die and they are feeling me out to see if they are going to tell me about it? What the fuck? They've got their paid for half-million dollar house and a big ass truck to haul their ultra-modern trailer, what in the entirety of hell could they want with me?

I always thought that if I made it to mid-life, there would be more carnage. Let's have three cheers for my meds!