September 28th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

Problem solved with a wedge of fresh hard cheese.

I have made a terrible mistake with these self-inflicted wounds on my thighs. As they heal and the scar tissue forms, it is tightening up, popping the scabs off and generally hurting any time I bend my legs and stretch the skin. I didn't think this through, obviously, I mean, yeah. I put them in the wrong place (an extremely dynamic part of my body) and made them too long for the part of my body they are on. I'll have Doc get some vitamin E oil and coconut oil tomorrow and see if I can't nip this now, before it goes any further. Jesus. My own stupidity when acting on emotional impulse never ceases to amaze me.

I'm going to do some stealth streaming today. In the next hour or so, for about an hour. I'm trying to work out the kinks. Right now the kink is an indeterminate lack of internet service, and my complete inability to hack the wifi signals of anyone on our block. Second kink, I was streaming from Scout. But microphone built into Scout is shite and USB is not mic is not supported on anything above Win 7. USB mic works gangbusters on Bollux, but streaming has been touch and go on him, the videos I've tried to make on him have been awful, jumpy things. So right now I am waiting on a download of the encoding software on Bollux, and then I will try to stream from him while I work on my smashbook for a bit. will take you to an information/status page on the "Stick Thing" with close up pictures of the painting I did on it. I just figured I'd put something out there. If you have "liked" my page, I will be providing of the absolutely genius webpage I found that calculates color schemes for you in a number of different ways. It's how I got the scheme for the Stick page/graphic. A page I will use all of the time for design. I am awful at picking colors. Mine always clash or blend too well, this takes the time consuming trial and error process and narrows it down considerably. And it is free, you don't even have to give up your email addy to use it. It's just there for everyone. Exemplifying what the web is about.

Last night, Doc asked if I wanted him to try to get tickets to "The Book of Mormon", which is in town until 10/18. I declined. I want to see it, but, too many people. I told him I'd rather save my "out" time for the lighted cactus garden. He balked at that, he's seen it, done it. He doesn't get the rush that I do from being surrounded by all the millions of tiny lights. We compromised and decided on the Bellagio Atrium once the decorate it for Xmas, and maybe a desert somewhere on the Strip. Some picture taking for me. Some walking around for him.

In November, we are going to a 5k walk and picnic for our animal shelter. We're not doing the 5k, just paying for registration, the money will end up with them, no matter what. We're opting for the 1 mile walk round the park it's being held in. It is my logic that the older, mellower dogs will be doing the 1 mile, and that is the kind of dog that Chewbacca likes. And then, during the picnic, he will be too busy trying to get hot dogs from me to notice the younger dogs all around him. He's like me, he can block shit out when it gets to be too much. So he won't be stressed, he might meet some dogs that he likes, and might get some play dates out of it, and Doc and I get an outing with him and get to give some money and support to the animal shelter that has given us such loving, amazing pets.

I think I'm going to make broccoli/cheddar soup tonight. I have one quandary, I need to use bullion cube for some of the stock, we have just under what I need. We have some nice veggie cubes, with a strong cilantro overtone, and I'm wondering how that would go with the soup's overall flavor profile. I love cilantro. I love broccoli/cheddar soup. I don't know if I would love them together. It's only a couple of cups of fluid in a dozen, plus a heavy roux and a whole lotta cheese (I think I'm going to throw some freshly shredded Parmesan in with the cheddar). Ew, I think I just answered my own question, if I'm going to use Parmesan, the cilantro is Definitely out. Okay. Problem solved with a wedge of fresh hard cheese.
2013, cyd, new

I thought they were very good representations of the work I had done

Ok, so, I will be streaming from Scout (I hope, the encoder has developed a glitch that I'm not sure effects Scout, yet), without sound for now. Bollux just doesn't have what it takes, plus the glitch. I've been studying the encoder and youtube help forums, and the developers are clueless what is causing the glitch and I have spent 4 hours on it now. That's 4 hours of productivity down the drain. I hate that. Maybe I'll just stay up all night tonight.

I couldn't last night, Doc was home. For reasons that really don't bear explaining, things are tense and I wasn't getting any work done with him here, so I went to bed around 3.

I got my stuff from Michael's today. I haven't opened the boxes yet. Nothing in them is for current projects. I was hoping to have some pine cones to paint by now, but Doc put the kibosh on that. See, I'm not buying pine cones, I am using cones harvested from our back yard and some of the neighborhood front yards. So, god only knows what critters are living in them. Pinterest gurus suggest baking them for 10-15 minutes at around 300 degrees to kill off the critters. Doc will not let me do this in the oven. He insists we do it on the grill. He knows I have a VERY irrational fear of the mini propane grill. I am convinced I am going to make the tank blow up in my face. So this is not something I ca do on my own. I need Doc for it. Doc = not getting done.

It's been a week since the request for him to go through the records he says are all his. Lucky he's not picked up the nesting bowls and loaf pan that I need to melt said records. So I'm waiting on him for both parts of that project. And if he says I have to melt the records on the grill, I'm going to stab a butch. One of the projects, you don't even melt the record, you just soften it with really hot water and mold it while it is warm and pliable. The bowls need the oven heat so that you can put oven mitts on and manipulate the plastic so you don't end up with a bowl with all spread out, warped walls that doesn't hold anything. Same with the CDs, which he insists are releasing toxic fumes into the house when I melt them in the oven. I don't quite believe him. But his work supervisor agrees with him, so, I lose.

I just dug out some yarn and fabric to use in my Smash Book. I was going to do a Stealth Stream with no advance notice, for anyone who was bored to watch. Noe it's pretty much too late.

I don't know what is up with me. The persecution thing is over. The paranoia is gone. I'm on all my meds. I'm doing fine. He's still driving me nuts. It's like he's testing me, but he isn't. He just has a whole lot going on in his head, and REALLY doesn't want to be bothered with what is in mine.

I explained the definition of "butthurt" to him last night and explained that I was suffering from it because he and Kel were giving me nothing about my art. He explained that they just don't get it. OK. So, going to the internet for validation is not only a wise decision regarding branding myself, but it's really the only way I'm going to get that validation. So, keep it up, kids, because my "friends" just don't get me. So, why are they my friends? Oh yeah, they are the only people that can stand me.

They, now that I am better medicated, are not at all shy about telling me what a nightmare I have been the last two decades. There is nothing I want to hear more than all the mistakes I made while under and over medicated, when I had no control over my behavior. Kelli's silly stories of me on Haldol have turned into bitter anecdotes. Doc just says I've evolved into his mother. No, I've evolved into MY mother. He has become his mother. And we were right, the two don't get on at all.

So I'm just going to distance myself from these two. They are both toxic to me right now. They may not always be, but right now, they bring me down. And my getting paid cash money to be an artist makes no difference to them. It makes a big difference to me. Like when one of my poems was published in a national anthology. The anthology got panned, but my poem was published. They didn't care.

I'm not mad or sad, I'm over it. They both have very good reasons. It's called their lives. They are both dealing with a lot of shit. And I'm just going to step back and let them work it out on their own because they won't take advice from me. Keep my head down and buried in the work. There is so much I want to do, there are not enough hours in the day, even when I fight my Seroquel and sleep only four hours a day. It seems like I am still wasting a goodly chunk of the other 20. - My contribution to the deep web (DRINK). Not indexed. Not searchable. Just there, dangling tenuously from the ragged edges of my website. When the new site goes live, the gallery will be refined, I just wanted to get the images up because I thought they were very good representations of the work I had done.

My favorite hacker-unreality show, Scorpion, is on tonight! I have to make up a drinking game for it. The CSI:Cyber game was just too easy to come up with. Scorpion at least tries to keep you on your toes. Every time Sylvester calculates an impossible math problem, DRINK. Every time Walter skulks, DRINK. Every time Paige humanity-blocks Walter, DRINK. It's a much more personal game. They do a lot more character development than CSI:Cyber. Every time Cabe hands over his badge, DRINK TWICE. Every time Happy shoots Toby down, SIP (it happens a lot, you don't want alcohol poisoning). I'll think about it more as I watch it tonight. This is just stuff off the top of my head.