June 14th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

In Which We Talk About ECT: Electro Convulsive Therapy

Or, as it is commonly known, electro shock. When I had it done in 2005(?), it wiped out the bulk of the 80's, 90's and right up to the day I first had it done. That was the cumulative effect of multiple treatments, I don't remember how many I had. The only thing I held tight to was music.

From a very early age I was very personally touched by music. I got very into songs that I liked. As a child, I was mostly exposed to John Denver, The Carpenters, and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I loved John Denver for his clever metaphors and turns of phrase. I loved the Carpenters for the flawless beauty and clarity and emotion of Karen's voice, and she became my first Icon. I also liked their lyrics for their simplicity.

As I got older, I gravitated toward college stations and punk, but always held tight to U2. I have no memories to go with "The Joshua Tree", but I know every song by heart, and the order of them. They pull at a part of my brain that is shut off to me. I have emotions that go with the songs, different emotions for different songs, but I have no clue at all what or who generates them. All I see in my head is a dashboard and a windscreen and the hood of a mid-century car with a big screen beyond, the film has run out and there is just darkness on the screen and I can hear the static over the music in my headphones.

There is something about the song, "Exit". I never know it when I hear it, but it always moves me deeply. When I first signed up with youtube, it was the very first song I favorited. Years later, when I went back to that account, I couldn't remember doing it. I listened to the song, and felt I'd never heard it, it was live. It wasn't until two years after that, that I was listening to "The Joshua Tree" and it came on and just yanked my heart out of my chest and rolled it around. To this day I have no idea.

So yeah, two high school sweet hearts, gone. Abusive rich ex? Gone. Most of my relationship with Doc? See ya. My odessy to Mardi Gras? I have some pictures of that one.

Fickle shit, electricity. Got to watch it every second.
2013, cyd, new

Now with pictures

The modem is out again. I fear it may be time for a new one. It's been five or six years. It spends more time disconnected than connected. And I still haven't gotten the laptop to create a wireless connection on the network, so the wireless is basically just there for the Kindle. I should work that out. But I think it's a matter of reinstalling the OS, which I am in no mood to do. There are 35+ pieces of software that have to be loaded, in a certain order, once the install is done. I haven't got the patience. I'm in the middle of a productive period, this is no time to throttle me with a bunch of needless technical busy work. Wordpress will do that nicely.

I still don't have a working coffee maker. I am still boiling coffee, a half a pot at a time. I'm getting a little tired of it, but Doc is still healing. I don't understand why his shoulder is still hurting him so badly. I don't mind massaging it, but it keeps him from sleeping when he is supposed to. Instead, he has to wear himself out. Just go until he drops. It's not right. Until his shoulder completely heals, he can't get back on the bike. And even if he had a working scooter, he wouldn't be able to control it with this injury. He's stuck walking everywhere and it's 107 during the day. We were thinking of going down and adopting a dog (a sister for Chewy). But, too hot, and I don't think there is any getting me on a bus anytime soon. I'm still having PTSD issues. Nightmares of it, jumpiness, anxiousness, etc.

Tonight we are listening to "Rattle and Hum" by the venerable U2. All I remember is that the movie came out in the cold, with slush still on the Pittsburgh ground. The movie premiered at noon. My dad picked me up from school at 11:45, 15 minutes late. We got to the theater and he talked to the theater manager about buying some of the promotional materials, no go. We were the only people in the theater. I sat forward with my elbows on my knees and my chin on my fists through the whole movie, tears streaming down my face. Just like at their concerts. I saw that tour. I think I saw the one before it, the "Joshua Tree", yes, saw that one, too. Went with two shrews from church that I didn't like, but my parents felt I was safe with. Yeah, they drank all through it. And I saw the "Achtung Baby" tour, where I was under threat from a tiny Viet Namese girl who wanted to throw me off the balcony. Good concert. I never did know what her deal was, she ended up destroying three quarters of my possessions with an axe. I can't even remember her name now.

I don't know if it's the strain of weed I am smoking right now, it's a dark green indica, but it's like lights keep coming on in my mind, spotlights on certain memories that I don't know if I've always had access to, or if they are brand new to me. Doc says the stuff I've told him over the last couple of weeks has been stuff he hasn't heard 8 times. Lots of memories of my Swedish Papa. Fleeting images from high schools (I went to four, one was technically an intermediate school - 10th grade). Doc has also been filling in memories from our time together. He's finally getting that I just don't remember shit from the time we got together up until, say 7 years ago. That's more than half of our time together. And it was a busy time. I was better then. We had adventures.

Then, about 12-14 years ago, I got much, much worse. I went from functioning unmedicated to completely dysfunctional and medicated. We've been reading about toxoplasma and toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasma is a parasite found in cat feces. It is why pregnant women and AIDS patients are told not to empty litter boxes ("Trainspotting" flashbacks, anyone?). It has recently and strongly been connected to causality of schizophrenia. During this time I was pretty much trapped in a three room apartment with 5 cats and three litterboxes, which I scooped and changed. I didn't see a doctor during this time, a physical doctor, but I was sick most of it. There is a possibility I was immuno-compromised during this time, and the parasite got to me, causing a bad situation to worsen. Turning the years-old bipolar diagnosis into something else . . . something . . . more. I've printed out the most peer reviewed and documented of the studies for my shrink. I got back my "cognitive symptoms" booklet I printed out for he and Doc and I.

"Am I buggin' you? I don't mean to bug you . . . ok Edge, play the blues."

Every time I see a mentally ill person featured by someone on social media for their art "from their madness", I think, "why not me?" Does that make me a bad person? Just selfish? Maybe that's why it doesn't happen to me, I'm screwing my own karma.

No, YOU are wearing a hipster hat inside the house! Oh? It is me? Okay then. I've had it since I was 21, so it doesn't count as hipster, and I am not wearing it ironically. The purple light that is on bugs me.

So, with this "Chrisley Knows Best", are we all just waiting for Todd to come out of the closet? Is there a pool I can get in on? Ain't no way that man is straight. I'll reluctantly give him bi, but not straight. Not willingly. And his wife looks like a typical fag hag, no offense meant to her or hags, which I have proudly been most of my life. She does. No apologies. And he never tells her to get in shape, or that she's let herself go. As obsessed as he is with looks, he just lets her go, while he primps and preens. I want the tequila he had on the nights his children were conceived.

I'm up to here with the Robertsons and the Palins and the Duggars and the Huckabees. I'm done. Everything I read makes me more incredulous. And I can't spend my life incredulous. It taints everything in my life. I can't worry about these hucksters. They will carry on. Eventually they will be stopped. If not in my lifetime, then in someone's.

I'm thinking more about this government records hack by the Chinese. First, could they really, I mean, really, have the documents that Snowden said he destroyed? Second, if, and that's a big IF, they have the documents, Snowden himself claimed that no one had the technology to break the encryption, not to insult the Chinese, but really? I have questions. If this is all true, why did only the UK move their MI6 people, and the US did nothing in response? I know people who would be affected in such a breach. Just people who had to work part of a contract with the govt, that had to fill out the security paperwork and go through the checks. Since it was personnel, I'm not worried about my own file. I never applied for security clearance, I knew I would never get it. Did you know that the FBI, CIA, and NSA don't give two shits about HIPAA laws?

So my mind is on that. It all sounds so sketchy. And perfectly timed, as the tide of public opinion was swinging back toward Snowden's side after recent happenings and rulings regarding the NSA's wholesale gathering of data. This comes out to make him look like the ultimate traitor. "Well, we couldn't crucify him with some leaked emails and such, so we're really going to slam him now, make everyone think he put all govt workers at risk and inconvenienced MI6!" A lot of liberal sites were calling for his head today as a traitor. And certainly, if what they say is going on, is actually going on, it does put him in a more traitorous light.

I watched . . . shit . . . "Deep Web" last night. It was about Ross Ulrichtt and the Silk Road. And the government really fucked him. They illegally hacked his site, firstly . . . and it just gets worse from there. They had these trumped up murder charges that they never brought against him, but made sure his jury knew that they were thinking about it. Wait, what? If it weren't for the "war on drugs", Silk Road would have been fine. No violence, very little stupid, competitive market to encourage purity of product and ethics of transaction (as much as can be expected from a drug transaction). They put him away for life. On bullshit.

I have learned that the government of this country cannot be trusted when it comes to cyber anything. There is a vast disconnect. There are those who know too much for their own good, and some are employed by our government, but we have no idea where, doing what. The other side of that vast gaping crevasse is the bulk of the government, who are blissfully ignorant about everything computing that isn't a great big "start" button. Congressmen brag, actually take pride in, never having used email. So we have those idiots making the rules, those of questionable training and knowledge implementing the rules and systems that the rules require, and somewhere, a smattering of "reformed" blackhats really sticking it to someone from some terminal somewhere.

Iggy and Izzard have been out eating all night. They're running back and forth. One comes down to the light, snaps up a bug, then races back up, they run a circle together, then the other goes down to the light and snaps up a bug and goes back up for another circle. Then they may sit there for a while, or go up into their house, then come back out and run around the other. They won't let me take their picture. It's like they see the camera. I don't know what it is, the camera doesn't look like a cat, or any other natural predator, and it isn't like I stick the camera up in their space. Crazy lizards.