April 1st, 2015

2013, cyd, new

what is this, Wednesday?

Apparently it is verboten to be a smart ass to a Mod on reddit. Who knew? Ah, live and learn. I have no time for internet royalty.

Our magnificent heat is being interrupted by some whacked-out jet stream, bringing us 35 mph steady winds. I went outside for my morning sun sit and came in looking like a groupie for an 80s hair band. Note to self: tie hair back.

E has sent me emails with all the links I need for Clammr. I really need to stop being so distracted and get to work on that. Create the content so I can just upload it on a schedule. And I need to investigate Soundcloud and see if there are benefits to sending traffic there instead of my site.

I think Boomer has come into her own here. She has started running around like a cat possessed at odd times of the day. At first we thought someone was chasing her, but no, she was just bolting from point to point for no apparent reason. If I call her, she will bolt to me and jump up on me with gusto. the other day I had to get up and she was on my lap, so I picked her up in a ball and put her next to Doc's lap. And when I came back, she was still there! It was the first quality time they had spent together since they met at the shelter. So, that is really encouraging.

I finally told Doc about the . . . I guess we'll call her the Shadow Girl. He was fairly upset that the order of information flow was here, then Kelli, then him. But that's inconsequential. He asked the key question, was it me? There is a fair argument for that. After all, one of my voices is my mother's. We didn't talk about it for long, I pretty much shut down on him.

There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen, calling to me. And a freshly stuffed cigarette in the tin, patiently waiting. If I go take my meds, I can, with a clear conscience, treat myself to the first two.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

Easily Excitable

Having a BIG freak-out over here. In my clean house. The last thing I found in my cleaning was a stack of mail. On top was a letter from the Nevada department of Welfare. My appointment with them for eligibility is . . . TOMORROW at 9am. Um, that's when Doc is asleep. And we have no idea where the office is. No idea what buses to take or what time we need to leave. And I can't read maps or bus schedules.

I've been trying to get a hold of Doc. He is at work. I used some website to text him because my phone doesn't text. I can receive and answer them, but not initiate. Free phone. Then I called and left a message for him to call me on his first break. I think that is at 11 or 11:30.

I wish I had found it before I started cleaning. I could have worked off this nervous energy. If I don't show, I am automatically disqualified. I can call and change the appointment before the appointment, but it is at 9, when the office opens. I am so fucked. And I have to regather the papers I spent all one night gathering and putting back. I'm pretty sure this means I qualify for help, so they are making it hard for me to get there and claim the help.

I read another unhelpful (to me) study about schizophrenia and brain changes today. Something about cortical tissue thinning in key areas when treatment-resistant schizophrenia is present. I'm not yet treatment resistant. Or, I'm living with the symptoms that just won't go away. The medical therapy for TRS is a drug called clozapine. In some patients, it poisons their blood. Not many, but enough that the UK pulled it from the market for a while.

Haldol doesn't stop the hallucinations, but it makes me too zonked to react to them, or any stimuli. It's like thorazine. Good for nothing more than sedating one into submission. I did my time there, and I would like to think I have more control now and don't need such measures. My hallucinations don't scare me much anymore. They unnerve me. But I've come to just accept them and expect them.

Okay, freak-out over. Doc called, and made me read him the whole letter and figured out that I may be able to call at 8 and in addition to dealing with the appointment at 9, conduct the interview over the phone, instead of going down there at all. They have all the paperwork that I would bring in. I scanned the stuff in myself and uploaded it to them. Plus, they have all of that on their computers.

The only tight point is that we need to leave before 8 if we end up having to be there by 9. It's a two bus and mile walk. And the buses local to this area come every half and hour or 45 minutes.

All I have to do is get through this interview. It could lead to easier finances for us. It could lead to teeth for me. Maybe even a therapist.

I need to calm down. Something tells me that Letterman ain't going to do it. Click play list on. Good night.Easily Excitable