March 29th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

Go to right now

I woke up this morning. Had a couple of cigarettes. Sat down at the computer. Went to my starting page,, where I keep all my oft used links. I get a generic 404 screen. Odd, I have a custom 404 screen on my domain. I delete the "starting.html" part and hit enter.

I am presented with a white screen with a rather good drawing of several cats with speech bubbles, it is a navigation menu. Cute. But not mine. Someone has hijacked my (recently paid for) site. I check her twitter and facecbook. She's just a crafter, not insidious. I tweet her and ask her to shed some light on how she came about this domain.

I put in a help desk ticket with my web host. None of the WHOIS registries have been updated yet, so all ownership still reflects me and Warped, my awesome web host. So I can get no info that way. Looking through her stuff, I can't even see why she would want this particular domain. It isn't a good fit for the things she makes. And she's got talent, no denying that.

So, anyway, I'm sitting here having a little freak out. The paranoia is raging in me. Does this have anything to do with the domain hack when I was messing with those online people? The one where they got into my Network Solutions account and turned on auto billing and dicked me out of $100 bucks (that I was able to recoup, thanks to the generosity of friends and a stranger). Could they have somehow turned my domain over to an unsuspecting innocent? These are the things going through my mind, and I may need that other half of Xanax.

I am a victim of a vigilante crafter! No, I won't tweet that. I'm sure this is just a clerical error. And if it's not, well, I guess I just learn to hack.

If you want to help me, email and ask where Cydniey went. It will only take you a minute.

Doc always sleeps through the good shit.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

Schizophrenics Anonymous

Loyal readers will be pretty familiar with how I feel about AA, and NA. I've been in the program and found it lacking. First, I am an atheist, so the whole Higher Power thing is out the window. Second, I do not believe in interrupting past acquaintance’s lives with painful confessions of wrongdoing and dredging up uncomfortable memories for my own selfish gain of “overcoming”. And I don't believe in forgiving people who hurt me. I believe in sitting back and watching fate play with them like a cat with mice. So the 12 Step thing, not so much for me.

I understand that it has helped heal the lives of countless people and will continue to do so. And as a model of climbing out of addiction, I can objectively see its advantages for those with more open minds than mine.

Remember that phrase, “climbing out of addiction”, as it is important to this essay. Or, at least I think it is.

Not so loyal readers will know that I am schizophrenic with clinical depression. Up until the DSM V was released this year, this was known as schizoaffective. I don't know if I got a promotion, or what.

Part of my “illness” is that I only leave the house once a day to circle the block with the dog, and once every three months to go to see my shrink. My only friend lives across the country from me. I live with my 'legal' husband. We have an arrangement. He is more my care giver.

So, social media is important to me. It is really the only contact I get. I've tried to fit in here and there, and never really found my niche. Most depressing was my hunt for like broken minded people. I found a lot of people afflicted with bi-polar, ADHD, and OCD, but no schizophrenics. No real schizophrenics, just kids messing around with the word.

So I did a Google search for “schizophrenia advocacy US” which led me to I looked over the site and couldn't help but notice their references to “Schizophrenics Anonymous”. The very idea seemed so absurd that I just skipped over it until it was all that was left for me to read on the site.

Schizophrenics Anonymous is a real thing. It is a 6 step program, based on the traditional 12 step program. Number 6 is turning it all over to a Higher power. It's got forgiveness of all that hurt you. It's got all the main tenets of the 12 step program, without the repetition (the 12 steps are a bit redundant).

So what we're saying is, schizophrenia = addiction? A mental illness that can be treated like addiction? Nothing about taking meds. This very concept is at once ridiculous and repugnant to me. With the help of god, I can overcome schizophrenia? Many atheists view religious belief as a symptom of mental illness. I've alienated myself from that Twitter crowd trying to stick up for the mentally ill that don't fall for the religious line. This doesn't help things.

This was started back in 1965 (or 1964, depends on which schizophrenic's story you believe) by a, I'm sure, well-meaning schizophrenic that just wanted to help others. But no. It is so wrong. Bad stigma.

If nothing else, addiction is the symptom of something else. Schizophrenia is the something else. It's the bottom of the barrel. It is the problem. And it can't be prayed away. If it could, I would be well. I had so many “laying on of hands” after my illness cropped up to save anyone from anything.

I am insulted by this approach to schizophrenia. And I am hopeless, because this is the only thing out there for me. And it is definitely not for me. If you need me, I'll be over at hiding in the research section.