February 15th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

Buggery thing overheated again

I still think of this laptop as new. To be honest, if the malware crash of 2014 hadn't happened, I wouldn't have wiped it and started anew. Which is what it is looking like I'm going to have to do again. I have done everything to ensure nothing that isn't used is on the hard drive of the laptop, but instead on Blue Max and various thumb drives for extra security with certain files. I've done this so that I have the HD space to run intensive programs, like anything Adobe, and all the other graphic and document handling programs I have that I use regularly.

I've just made the switch from Microsoft Office to LibreOffice 4.3. I needed something to handle spreadsheets and something to handle random document files I deal with. I couldn't find an effectively hacked MS Office from a trusted source, basically. I thought LibreOffice would have less baggage than MS, but it seems to take the same time to load and respond to commands, which on this laptop is feeling a bit wanting.

Aside from the time waste, there is no real reason why I shouldn't wipe/restore. I have working copies of all the software I need, and it would enable us to re-setup the wifi router, which on the current Windows 7 install seems impossible. At least, that is what the computer says. And it is pretty insistent about it.

88 views of my "Secret Door" to my site, explaining audience participation. Crickets on the actual text pages of work. So they aren't interested in the task. I guess it takes more than the offer of free poetry to attract a crowd. Yes, I said that ironically. I would probably do better asking for money. BTRIPP retweeted me, we love him.

Oh drat, you may not get this missive. The cable modem seems to have taken a break. I don't know if it will sync back up. It's been having issues lately. It's 8 or 9 years old, so it's about time. However we don't have the funding for it. There was a $300 screw up with Doc's pay. He's getting it sorted for next week's pay. But it surprised us. I swear to god, it's always something with money. It isn't like we live above our means. Okay, we kind of do. Our rent is a big percentage of our income, because we insist on living in this gorgeous house and not giving it up. But we don't have credit cards, don't believe in them. Feel like they are chains that can be used to enhance or completely ruin your life.

One of the computer stores is having an "open box" sale on laptops with windows 8. He doesn't know if he can trust an open box, though. Do we need another laptop, or do we need a desktop? If we could get one with a parallel port for my scanner, that would be great. Right now I have it running on a mindless drone of a dinosaur of a laptop with Photoshop 7, that's the most it can handle. Can't surf the web, can't network it. Oh, and I can run the cam on it since it is running Windows XP. But that's all it is good for. I don't know. I guess another laptop would be a good idea, since the desk faces the wall. I just want to be able to work in my studio, I want for the wifi to work. Then I'll move the printer out there and do most of my work out there with the stereo and the fresh air.

I should go out into the garage tomorrow and devote two solid hours to sorting things out and getting all the crap out of my studio that has accumulated there. A mountain bike, a space heater, two large boxes, various tools that we have a tool table for, but it isn't in reach. Need to change that. And the glass work table is covered with art supplies. Doc has two lights that were meant to be grow lights, but somehow found their way to us. He also got a couple of replacement bulbs for them the other day. For what? To turn my glass table into a light table.

Okay, that will so rock. Especially when I'm working on those panes of glass he scavenged me. I was going to sacrifice one to make a light box, with him doing the carpentry. But a whole light table! I am too excited.

I found a bunch of transparency film for printers, I'm going to see if they work in my new one. I could make some cool shit with that.

I have to go through amazon.com tonight and put all the materials I am going to need on my wishlist so I don't lose track of them and their prices. I figure I need 4 things. I can afford 1, maybe 2 per month. So while that is being gathered I will be doing what hundreds of twitter and facebook users refuse to do, go in and pick apart my poetry. Oh, wait, 5 things. But the 5th can be got at Fry's cheap enough.

I just reset the modem, left it off for ten minutes, then plugged it back in. Same two light solidly on, one blinking spastically. No one is home inside this modem. And I can't call to check about it, I know they got paid today. But I can't call because of Major's stealth chewing drills for Meowssad. Dead phone. And Doc spent two hours getting his phone to work today, no way I'm touching that.

I'm watching Titanic. An old friend from high school is in one scene and I want to see him. So I have to watch the whole fecking movie to catch it. I loathe Leonardo DiCaprio. Love the scene where he just sinks into the black ocean. Oh, ick, it's the Car Scene. "You're trembling." Ack! Oogie sex stuff.

Have you ever heard of "trampling"? It's a sexual fetish of being walked on, usually men being trod upon by women in evil heels. Yeah, I did that for a Fetish Magazine photo shoot in the early 90s, before I even got online. You won't see it in "50 Shades of Stupid", you will find it pretty often in the BSDM scene. I chose it for my shoot because it involved the least amount of physical contact with the Sub. I was not cut out for Dom work, no matter how many men I worked with ended up cowtowing to me and calling me Mistress. Do you know how distracting that is in a kitchen? While you're making 800 shredded apricot duck filo packets for a party the next day somewhere in New Jersey known as the Governor's Mansion? I never did my own dishes. So there was that.

Funny story, my first girlfriend is now a professional Dom in NYC. We don't talk anymore. I was really obnoxious to her about a decade ago. I was obnoxious to everyone about a decade ago. She sent me an invitation to her wedding, which didn't happen until after we moved out of driving range, and couldn't attend. I would have liked to have gone.

I have no more intention to watch "50 Shades" than I did to read the books. A tragic story of fanfic gone bad. And then made worse by Hollywood somehow. I've done my time with kink, I'm beyond over it. And the movie sounds like a really bad, rapey interpretation of kink. A very unhealthy view of straight people and sex. It could have been done with Republican oversight if it weren't for the blatant use of condoms and frequency of sexy stuff. But the Republicans want to see it, I'll tell you what. Tupelo, Miss. sold out the first three showings. They have made the most money as of this point than any other region. And that's where there is some Uppity White Christian Group who says the movie is "50 Shades of Evil" and should not be shown in Tupelo. But that's where the biggest demand is. You can't tell me that these are all holy people just going to see how evil Evil is before they start screaming about it.

Those three lights are still on, but I have connectivity now. How strange.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

Society is overrated.

This is how potent our regular catnip is. I took the last gram of it that we had and sprinkled it on the floor next to the scratcher/toy area and just let the cats find it in their own time. And each in their turn, rolled around on the floor in that sprinkling of catnip. I let that small patch of carpet go unvacuumed for a couple of days until they got sick of it. Then, yesterday, I vacuumed it up. Today, the area of carpet that the catnip was on was the focus of renewed attention, as they each came by and rolled around on the floor. They still smell it. Yeah, we have to get us more of that.

Wow, Paul McCartney is singing on SNL and he sounds horrible. Like his voice is gone, or he's fighting a cold or something. He's wailing, though. He's giving it all he's got, like he always does, so I can't fault him. I'm more concerned for him than anything else. He is one of those entertainers that you don't have to like to appreciate. I don't really care for any of his music, but I will sit down and watch him perform any time. He is a prime example of someone who always goes 150% for the audience. You have to appreciate that kind of passion. And his genius to have been writing original songs all this time. Respect. Get well.

When I go outside on the patio to smoke, Major always goes to the sliding glass door and sits there watching me, so he doesn't lose me. I can only imagine what happens when I take the dog out. He probably wanders through the rooms howling.

Kelli said the first hopeful thing about returning here that I have heard in three years. Today's conversation was harsh. I was walking the dog in a tshirt and jeans, while she was huddled under a down comforter in front of a space heater, because it's like 3 degrees in Pittsbugh right now. Her sister has taken a new position and is moving halfway across the state with Kel's fave nephew. And he was the only thing keeping her there.

So, I believe I mentioned a booklet I found online for Caregivers of people with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. He stopped at a list of the common symptoms, and didn't read further. I looked at where he stopped, and saw why. It was a list of cognitive symptoms that complicate things, and can be a problem even if the patient is stable on medication and having no psychotic symptoms at the time. It's something that doesn't get talked about often, I've never spoken to my shrink about it. They never talked about it at the hospitals. Doctors are coming around to believe that they are as important to treatment as the positive and negative schizophrenia symptoms.

Here's the list:
◆ Ability to pay attention
◆ Ability to remember and recall information
◆ Ability to process information quickly
◆ Ability to respond to information quickly
◆ Ability to think critically, plan, organize and problem solve.
◆ Ability to initiate speech

That's me. That right there is a list of things about me that Doc hates. When I asked about them, all he would say was, "Kelli needs to come back, I can't do this alone anymore."

There are some alzheimer's drugs that can help with some of these things. I just need to make a determination about how much medication I am willing to flood my liver with. I've told you before that my liver is what I think will go out on me. I think that's how I'm going to die. My liver will give up after all the years of medications.

The speech thing, I didn't know. That explains why I don't talk. It's just too much effort. I tend to talk very slowly, as the words flit through my head. But if you don't let me get out what I'm trying to say, I'll lose it. There's no going back to it. It's very frustrating to both Doc and I. To him, because I am always interrupting his train of thought, or what he's listening to with something that just came to me, and he won't let me say it, then 10 minutes later, when I'm like 5 galaxies over from the one where I started to talk, that I can't even remember starting to talk, let alone what it was about.

And he has to tell me things 875 times, and I will still forget. We've tried writing notes to me. I keep a notepad document open where I put things he tells me, but I always forget about the notebook file.

And all this time, he's been thinking I'm like this on purpose, just to complicate his life. That I have some Machiavellian motive behind everything I do that's on that list. And this proves that I don't. But it's also a cold slap in his face that my getting better (i.e. normal) is just not going to happen. It will improve, and degrade with my symptoms. And, like I would be, he doesn't think he can handle me alone anymore.

Fucking paranoia! The dog is not helping. A scooter that sounds just like Doc's just stopped in front of our house and then drove away. The dog thought Daddy was home. He went to the front door to greet him and everything. I grabbed my dagger and opened the front door. Nothing. Argh! Jeez, Chewy is still on alert. I'll take him outside in a minute.

This SNL thing is just making me feel old and sad that I've wasted three decades waiting for the show to be funny again. Talk about a life waster. It just feels like a retirement party, and I swear the audience is tinned. I sounds less than real. They keep showing humans in the audience, but I feel like that's just stock footage, and no one is actually in the audience.

I took Chewy for a walk today with Kelli on the phone. I'm so entertained by being able to talk to her on the phone while I'm walking the dog, god I am old. I was paying no attention to anything but the dog and Kelli and suddenly heard yelling in Spanish across the street. All I could make out was Caesar, here!" and suddenly this big german shepherd is upon us. He calmly sniffs Chewy and then turns his attention to me, he just wants pets, awe. His owner ran over to get him. A cute, young, short Mexican man with a scruff of a mustache, I just wanted to kiss him on the forehead, he was so cute. And he grabs the dog, gently, and starts apologizing to me in Spanish and broken English. I just smiled at him with my lips covering lack of teeth and kissed the dog on the head instead of the man. I told him in extremely broken Spanish that all was alright. I'm pretty sure I called his dog beautiful in Italian, though. He didn't seem to notice. I was flustered.

Then we came around the block to the span of grass awns that Chewbacca likes to violate, and the Mean Old Man's house is right in the center. And of course he was out in his garage, just scowling at me as I approached. I let Chewy walk on his lawn, but not stop and as I passed the house and the Mean Old Man standing there, I explained loudly to the phone that I was passing the Mean Old Man's house. I know he heard me. Chews and I are changing our walk tomorrow for a while. Because I am actually going to get into a physical confrontation with this man.

I have no idea how to behave around other people anymore. I had a loose grasp on it before the decade in my house. But now, I have no clue. But something tells me it is not socially acceptable to throat punch an old man for honking at my dog. Just this little buzzing in my head that says, "no, Cyd, no". Also, to note, it is not acceptable to tell people you hate them/they are boring you/just wander away while someone is talking to you. Whatever. Society is overrated.