January 27th, 2015

2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

I'll write more later, I have a feeling.

I couldn't write yesterday, I just couldn't. When Doc brought LeLu in from the garage, in a cooler, for me to say goodbye, and I did and I pet her and said a few words about her finally being with Henry and Chloe again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't. I came close, but didn't. I don't know why. Maybe when we get her back.

She will come back to us in a box, with an ink paw print and a plaster paw print. Doc says if I don't like the box, he will get me a nice urn for her, like he did for Chloe.

I miss her the most when I'm in the kitchen, smoking at the stove. She was always in there, usually on the counter. I've been avoiding smoking inside because of this.

I've known for about a month that it was coming soon. Doc did too. We've been spending a lot more time with her because of our gut feelings. The last day she was alive, Doc brought her outside and lay her down in her favorite grassy patch. She liked it for a little while, then tried to get up to come to me, so I brought her back inside where it was warm. She was ice cold those last three days. I had her wrapped up in that tshirt and she didn't shiver. Sometimes Felix, the one that's been with us the next longest, curled up with her on the couch next to me.

Boomer gave me three days off. She stayed away mostly. She came by to check on LeLu, but didn't linger. As soon as LeLu was out of the house, Boomer came back to me, and hasn't left my side. She has really violent dreams. Boomer, that is.

If the crematory shaves off a bit of LeLu's chest fur, like they did with Chloe, I hope they avoid the matted part of the fur. I don't want to remember her like that. That is why I took no pictures or video.

BTW: I am so close to my goal. And wow, i forgot they took the fee out and factor that into the math. c'est la vie. So here's the link again: http://www.gofundme.com/kowxfo. Come on, I'm a nice girl. I don't kill people, and I rescue animals and I entertain all of you with something no one gets enough of: honesty. Spot me a tenner?

Doc's been a wreck. And it doesn't come out as pain. It comes out as white hot fury, dressed in his mother's housecoat. Jesus, it's frightening because I never know what is going to set him off. This must be a small taste of what it's like to live with me. No thank you. How does he do it? I am totally wigged out by his behavior.

I mean, we got into a knock down drag out row this morning at 5 when I woke up and he said I still sounded medicated and started ordering me back to bed and all I wanted was some power ade, a piss, and a smoke. I would've gone back to bed after the smoke if he hadn't been such an overbearing dick to me, but I stayed up to spite him. But 8, when I lay back down, we were over it and getting along famously.

That's it! Everybody go get diagnosed and get on your right meds! The more of me there are is NOT a good thing. Get a grip and seek some fucking help. I did, and with me this is as good as it gets. But you guys, you can be functional again. People, not just you. You're just the ones seeing this. But people in general.

I'll write more later, I have a feeling.