January 23rd, 2015

2013, cyd, new

Is she trying to say goodbye?

LeLu is laying with her head on the laptop. i guess I'm not going to bed anytime soon. I'm not moving her. I fed her some more. No more blood. Gave her more electrolytes. I wanted to give her more cosequin, but i don't know if her liver can take more without more food. Her remaining three teeth are so messed up that it's hard for her to eat as heartily as she wants to. That's why we're supplementing her wet food with baby food, and starting tomorrow, chicken broth, instead of water. And double her electrolytes and start her on nutrient paste. The electrolyte liquid is the only thing that is keeping her hydrated, she can't seem to navigate the water dish. I'm not sure what the problem is. She bends down a bit (big dog bowl) laps up a bit of water and then starts pawing at the sides of her face. She does that when she's eating, I've never seen it with drinking until today. She's a stubborn old lady, though and keeps going back to that big, deep water dish that she can see herself in the bottom of.

Well, since I'm not going to bed until she wakes up, I guess I'll start a project or make some cookies or something. Doc wants more chocolate cookies. Easiest hack I ever learned. Take your ordinary chocolate chip cookie dough and replace 1/4 cup of flour with 1/4 cup of baking cocoa powder and have super chocolaty cookies.
2013, cyd, new


I will be amazed if this cat makes it through the night. I have shut off my emotions and erected a shield around myself. I got up to have a smoke, she followed me into the kitchen so I gave her something to eat. And she drank, but with the trouble I described earlier.

But she just has that smell to her. That smell of death. Henry and Chloe both had it. I recognized it immediately when she started cuddling me in the kitchen. Boomer came up to her to kiss her and sniffed and ran away. She smells it, too. Now I'm in a bit of a pickle. I really should stay up with this cat, though I don't know why, to watch her die? and be traumatized by that as well? but I've already taken my meds, which means in another 20 minutes I will be as useless as a sorority chick in her third hour of a frat party.

Please don't let my cat die tonight. Let her have this weekend with Doc, at least. Please. He deserves it. He has been a magnificent father to her. They are so close. All of his love for Chloe went to LeLu when Chloe died. LeLu is the last of the original trio. 17 years of our nonsense, she's put up with.

On a happier note, I think they found the free range lizard today, and quite alive. it evaded all of them. i was collecting screen caps and i was sitting on my legs and i looked down and about 5 cats were on the floor in front of my couch, staring intently beneath it. Daring each other to be the first one to go in and get it. So, we still have a pet lizard.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

  • Thu, 12:07: RT @HillaryGuess: Second crude pipeline spill in Montana wreaks havoc on Yellowstone River http://t.co/EflpG4w8o2 via @ajam
  • Thu, 12:08: RT @UltraViolet: Today House Republicans revived the war on women by voting to ban insurance coverage for abortion. RT if you #TrustWomen, …
  • Thu, 12:16: Salt and Peppa telling random people to "Push it real good" is a big reason why I don't leave my house. Who needs that kind of pressure?
  • Thu, 12:20: RT @OpPinkPower: Photo: america-wakiewakie: STATE OF THE BLACK UNION: The Shadow of Crisis has NOT Passed | BlackLivesMatter... http://t.co
  • Thu, 12:32: RT @xeni: Now if we tweet or otherwise publish links to publicly available info, we can be found guilty of "Trafficking." http://t.co/xIqBH
  • Thu, 12:32: RT @xeni: Journalists whose reporting sources include hackers, or others whose behavior may break laws: be very scared. http://t.co/xIqBHox
  • Thu, 12:43: Woman's parents didn't even love her, giving her Wonder bread and not whole wheat. Her priorities are all screwed up. #JoniErnst
  • Thu, 15:57: I'm raising money for Cydniey's Medication $ Post-Hack. Click to Donate: http://t.co/oN0wbBqG4q #stoprush
  • Thu, 16:24: Oh FFS, shut UP about the sports ball crap.Stop reminding me we have and pay these . . . these . . ."people" what we do, to do what they do.
  • Thu, 17:44: RT @thebadmoaner: Hey #politics! I have a file telling you how to be elected easily. I could share the link but no free speech.. too bad..…
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2013, cyd, new

The last two lines are uncommonly . . . something.

Man, Doc is furious. Not just at me. It's LeLu. But he's taking it out on me. If I had my money, he could use his for euthanasia and cremation for LeLu. It's the only option left. She's stopped eating anything but tuna juice, but that's too rich for her to have much of. She is just sprawled out on the kitchen floor, trying to sleep.

Like I've said, I've shut down emotionally. To many feels at once. Retreat!

Later in the day, could qualify as the night . . .

LeLu is laying next to me on the couch, wrapped in my favorite t-shirt, purchased at a thrift store in Philly, originally from the Gap, the same summer we got LeLu. It's meant to be her burial shroud. I think she knows this. She doesn't shrug it off, she just lays there curled up in it, breathing in a labored way. She will do her best to not let me out of her sight. Once I realized this, I started carrying her around with me. Her output is completely liquid.

I can't take any pictures of her because she is a mess. covered in spit and blood and electrolytes and food. We try to clean her off, but she puts ALL her energy into fighting us, and we don't want that. We want her to spend all of her energy feeling our love. And trying to eat. We have five or so cans of cat food in the fridge that she has declined. All of her favorites and a couple of new ones.

She has NO body fat left. I pet her head and can feel every bone of her skull clearly.

Vet said her pain level seems low, and yes, she does seem close to the end. Take our weekend with her, and make the final decision Monday. We are masochists, we are dragging it out since she isn't in pain. It's not hurting anyone to hold and cuddle and love her. I'm just praying like a southern baptist that she doesn't cross the bridge on my watch. I've watched two cats die, and that was plenty. It isn't that I wish it on Doc. It's just that it's easier for him to live through it than miss it.

Today, during a moment of civility to me, he announced, "No more cats!", like it needed to be said. This one is bad because this one we have been with for 17 years. Almost the entire time we have been together. It's kind of ominous in a way.

Puts the hacking into perspective. I'm on one site begging for money to cover my meds, and on another site talking about no amount of money will solve the LeLu issue. I could so milk that. I guess that's the difference between me and some other people.

It's even weirder because two of my most respected and longest friends are the people that have added to the fund, they say in the FAQ that's how it should be. But it feels weird. I cannot express to them the gratitude I feel. I'm almost halfway to my goal.

Basically the only thing other than the 'no more cats' thing that I heard from Doc today at less than yelling level was, a deep, guttural growl. "You need to find a way to get that money back, this is because of your fucking around." There was more, but he was walking away from me, so I was unable to cogently piece it together. It was probably Korean, anyway.

With a great deal of help from a great deal of knowledgeable people at #stoprush, we have figured out that the original suspect I had my eye on for this incident likely had nothing at all to do with it. It was more likely a troll. Could be from my stop rush activities, but one we identified was near St. Louis, so it could have been sparked by my #ferguson hashtag activism. Or the troll we identified trying to dig around my domain and frequenting another site I also go to has nothing to do with the "incident", he's just some bored wannabe blackhat trying to guess my file structure, for some weird reason. He likes looking at my 404 image? I mean, it's a cute picture of me, but it's just the one picture over and over for each error.

Somehow I am going to try to get an essay out of this. I doubt I will shop it around. I'll just post it on tumblr and let it be. But an essay about keeping your head in online activism and never letting things get personal and never assume you think you know all your online weaknesses. I was geared up to do a "fictionalized" version of the story with the people I suspected, but since it looks like it was absolutely not them, I don't even have to mess with that. The last thing I need is someone coming after me for libel. Beware idiots with too much money. Poor people are their dolls and lawyers the trains that run over the people.