January 22nd, 2015

2013, cyd, new

My tweets

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2013, cyd, new

I said I'd never do it.

So, yeah, sorry for promises broken. Here is the link for my Go Fund Me: http://www.gofundme.com/kowxfo. I have the goal low, just the amount that I lost during this incident. Nothing else has happened. I'm not going to post about it, anyway. Law enforcement is involved. We'll just leave it at that.

It was suggested to me that I set my monetary goal higher, because of time, trouble and whatever this is going to do to my brain. But I couldn't. If it goes over, I guess I'll go with it, but frankly I doubt I'll raise the $110 I set as my goal.

So I'm sitting here with U2 in my ears. Songs of Innocence and random live performances I got off youtube, all mixed together. It's nice.

I've been having symptom breakthroughs. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm on the best cocktail of meds that I've had in years. Unless you count the Haldol years, where I was a zombie and incapable of dressing myself, let alone acting all crazy. I don't count those years as a success. I'm not completely treatment resistant. I just seem to need a lot more of the medication than is allowed. At least the Shadow Man isn't here tonight. I've actually been pretty good today.

The paranoia that the "incident" set off naturally, has been offset by pure, white hot rage. And I have to be nice because I'm asking for money from people that I barely know. I have to smile. Most of all I have to NOT come off as some victim. I'm not that. I won't be that. I'm just a sister in need. Circumstances what they are, I am relying on something I said I never would: human kindness.

I've gotten terrific support from the #stoprush crowd. I wish I could get more support from the #mentalhealth group. I don't know, I don't feel at ease with them, I feel like I'm being too loud in class when I talk to them, and social pressure and I get all confuzzled and put my foot in it and . . . ugh.

so pass the word to any philanthropists you may know. there's also always the "support" page at fabulousdisaster.com, where you can buy something I made or wrote and I will eventually get a commission for it. That way you get something for your money more than a warm feeling in your tummy. Tea can do that.
2013, cyd, new

When is it ever enough?

LeLu has deteriorated. She got her appetite back, and she's still on electrolytes, but she can't jump up on the counter anymore and she is weak on her feet. She isn't dehydrated. But she came to me for dinner with a mouth full of blood. I rinsed it out with a syringe/warm salt water and got her cleaned up. Doc asked the unaskable question: Are we going to have to put her down? Tomorrow he is taking her and a gingerbread cake I made over to Vet and his wife and asking Vet if LeLu is bad enough/in so much pain that it would be more merciful for us to take the most drastic step. We watched Henry starve to death slowly as we tried to feed him through a surgically inserted tube. Chloe deteriorated slowly and we watched her linger on. And we swore to ourselves we would never put our animals or ourselves through that again.

He wasn't mad about the online thing when I told him this morning and we talked about it and did stuff about it. But when he woke up for work, he was loaded for bear, and every shot hit me straight on. And I had to promise, Yes I Am Done With Fucking With People Online. He was really mad. And I wasn't expecting it. I thought I had dodged that bullet. Nope. And the LeLu thing had him in a rotten mood over all. We have no one but each other to take it out on.

I told him I got the Go Fund Me page up. I didn't bother telling him how ashamed it made me. I feel like a pan handler. I have to get that money back somehow. He's paying rent tomorrow, which will drain my account, so no more damage can be done. He's also going to talk them out of their courtesy overdraft protection, which they gave to us because of the complicated but government nature of the account. If it weren't for that, they would have just refused to pay for the domain early yesterday morning and I wouldn't be out any money and likely wouldn't even know I'd been invaded. But they were nice to me. That doesn't pay. Well, I guess it did for them.

Doc inquired as to motive. All I could come up with is what the #stoprush crowd has come up with: to play games and cause stress. Just because he can.

Do us a favor? http://www.gofundme.com/kowxfo go read the summation of the "campaign" and let me know if I should add or remove anything. I plan on adding links to my videos and candid pictures that aren't already everywhere as time goes on.

Okay, I'm getting a mess of Twitter messages, I should go see what's happening. Once it calms down, I have some chores to do. And maybe an episode of NCIS to watch.