December 24th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

Xmas Eve

I got dismissed right out of a twitter convo last night. With the simple line, "She's schizophrenic, so her arguments are invalid". I called the tweeter a bigot and told her to fuck right off, but, damage done. That's never happened to me before. At least not out loud "to my face". People decide that in silence or behind my back, but never right to me.

I'm beginning to wonder if my twitter profile isn't a detriment to me, but I don't want to change it. "Schizoaffective: Schizophrenia on the rocks, with a Depression or Bi-polar chaser. Gene's choice." is what it says now. Profile picture is lilac Doc Martens (I got tired of having my looks mocked, I never thought of myself as ugly, but a lot of people on the internet disagree). Header is I think, petunias. I took the pic at the nursery last spring. It went with the background I had and the picture of the boots. Nice and neutral.

But if it is somehow making people think of me as less than a whole person and someone they can just bully around, I've got a surprise for them. I will not be bullied. I will not be pushed around. Being schizophrenic brings me two very important gifts: higher intelligence than the norm, and amazing creativity. People either don't know that, or forget that. It's the schizophrenics who take to crime who get away with serial crime for so long because people underestimate one. One-off attacks that are fast and sloppy usually involve some other kind of mental disorder. Usually, there are, of course, exceptions.

Even when I'm frustrated with my illness, I consider it a super power. I have massive ego about it. Not about how I've handled it, or how I've let it manhandle me.But where I am now.

I've got to get my cookie making on. It just won't be Xmas Eve if I can't glut myself on cookies.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

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2013, cyd, new

And I think this is one of them.

It's dark now and I can fully appreciate the tree. I love it. I left all of my 50's-70's ornaments packed up and just put glass balls and the Victorian replicas on the tree. The only thing out of place is the skull garland, but it's a black tree, so some tribute had to be paid.

No one had any lights! I don't mind the dark spot on the tree now that it is decorated, but this means that no one will have lights for half off the day after xmas. I rely on those sales to get the lights I keep out on the porch. So this is a holiday tragedy for me. For him, not so much. It means he doesn't have to go shopping the day after the big day.

I was going to pump the cookies out while he slept, but decided it would be better to wait until he left and I could plug the speakers into the laptop and listen to some xmas carols while I bake. I have 5 batches to make. Three regular and 2 "special". I'm trying to use up all the chocolate mint things he's been amassing. So dark chocolate M&Ms in chocolate dough for him, snickerdoodes for me, and oatmeal cinnamon chocolate chip for the both of us. Then the special cookies will have mint chocolate chips and semi-sweet chocolate chips in chocolate dough. Chocolate covers the hemp flavor nicely.

And I have a feeling I will be making a second batch of snickerdoodles because we love them so much. We love cinnamon and sugar.

He should be off tonight. Xmas eve into Xmas day. Instead, he's off xmas day, but still has to go to work that night. So that day off they promised him just kind of never happened. Nice, UPS. Way to treat your people. And corporate honestly wonders why they have such a high turnover in the non-unionized office personnel. Because they suck. They want to promote Doc just because he's been there so long. It doesn't matter to them if he can do the job to their standards or even if he's willing to do it. They have decided they are going to promote him, so they are taking this really passive aggressive approach to it. Taking him on tours of the Hub, having him sit in on meetings that are really above his pay grade right now. Most of his stress about work is about having said the wrong thing to or around the wrong person. He is really hypersensitive about that. Because when he gets hyper, like he does at the end of his day, he can get rambunctious, verbally. And the people he is surrounded by are people that are starting their days at 5am, none of them are in a good humor and many will take offense at any damn thing. They should spend a shift in the hub.

Doc has been "That Guy", making all of his doctor and optometry appointments in the next week before the year ends. He does this every year. I think they expect him by now.

I just realized that I am animal free. No one is on the couch with me. No one is laying in front of the couch on the floor, no one is in the cat tree. How odd.

So, if the Chinese place is open tomorrow, I'm getting egg rolls, pot stickers, fried rice, and orange chicken. Yep. That is, if we're not broke like we are tonight. Getting xmas presents for the few friends we have (booze and tins for the cookies and cookie ingredients) wiped us out. Usually Doc gets paid tomorrow, but since it's a holiday I don't know that he will.

So, he got me those panes of frosted glass. I wonder what they were for. They have finished edges, and are precisely cut. They are about a 1/4" thick. Sturdy pieces of glass. And completely clean. One has a mark through the frosting but it won't be visible once the pane is painted. I guess when I finish them I will have no choice but to frame them. It would be cool if I could design some chrome frames and have someone make them up.

And no, I have no idea what I'm going to paint. Loneliness. Isolation. Rage. The things that obscure my mind's windows. The pain and betrayal that I am trying so hard to let go of. They will be abstract. But they will speak thousands of words. This is my first project for 2015. I'm shelving the smashbook for now. The panes came to me now for a reason and they call out to me.

I know that sounds like new age mumbo jumbo, but I believe sometimes you get gifts from the forces of nature. And I think this is one of them.