November 11th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

My tweets

Collapse )
2013, cyd, new

From yesterday

Last night on Facespace, a friend I usually enjoy engaging with made a horrible joke on a post I made about taking sexual advantage of mentally disabled women. my response to him was something like, I have NO sense of humor about this subject, so I'm just going to pretend you didn't just say this and go on liking you. I was so mad and hurt with the cavalier attitude. It seems like men are, deep inside, hardwired to be jerks and have no comprehension that they are.

I'm waiting for the temp to rise so I can go outside and smoke. We're really lucky, most of the country is gripped in snow and record cold, but the same front that is giving them that, is pushing warm air to us. But it was still chilly this morning. Chewy didn't even want to be out with me.

Okay, it's now warm enough to go out with a sweatshirt. I have to have my outside time.

Oh, I didn't tell you . . . Kelli got a big promotion and a raise at work. So her life just got a bit easier. She deserves it on so many levels. Years of service to that company, karma in general. I'm so happy for her.

And my last girlfriend, J, is now engaged to a wonderful man. So that is really cool.

Doc and I are cruising along.
2013, cyd, new

Do you know what a Smurf is?

The big TV in the living room is dying, this is stressing me the fuck out, even though I know I have another big TV in my room not being used that is fine. I don't know why it is stressing me out, but I can't even look at the TV without panicking.

I went to the shrink today. If your unfamiliar with long-term shrink treatment, it is common to only see them once every three months. So it's been three months since I've seen him. Meanwhile, I've been having schizo symptoms for about a month now, and seriously depressive symptoms for three months. I explained all of this to him.

He asked about my hallucinations, and I told him the Shadow Man was back. He's been around since I was about 9. I think he corresponds to one of the voices in my head that I've named Glenn. So, he's back, always in the corner of my left eye (if you know what "Slender Man" looks like, he's a bit like that, but more muscular). Then (because my shrink is Indian, and I have no idea how familiar he is with 80's pop culture), I asked him, "Do you know what a Smurf is?" and he answered in the affirmative with a little smile on his face. I told him I had Smurfs in my kitchen. Then I explained how the cats didn't react to the Smurfs, so I watched the cats when I was in the kitchen to keep me grounded.

Then he "scolded" me. He told me again that I needed to call him when this happens, immediately, so he can adjust my meds, or hospitalize me if I needed it. That I had to trust him to take care of me, that he was looking out for me and my best interests. He said it didn't sound like I had needed hospitalization any time during the last three months, I hadn't hurt myself or had suicidal ideations, but reinforced that he needed to know what was going on so he could help me be better.

We talked about Abilify. He told me the only reason he hadn't suggested it was my prescription insurance. He was fairly sure they wouldn't cover it because there is no generic. He's right, they won't. Fuckers. From what I've been reading, and he concurred, it could really make a difference in my quality of life.

He agreed with Doc that I should have a set schedule, and should also be using Lumosity daily to help with my schizophrenia. He also decided that it wasn't yet time to talk about me quitting smoking. There's a whole chemical thing that goes on in a schizophrenic brain with nicotine and taking it away, especially with symptoms breaking through the meds, can be a mess. It's all about keeping me out of the hospital for another year.

That said, he doubled my Seroquel to the maximum dose, and did the same with the Cymbalta. He wants me to try to go back to taking two Topomax a day, once my Seroquel is doubled, to counteract the zombie effect. This change, on the one hand, will make me more useless than I am now . . . on the other hand, may perk me up for the short time I will actually be awake.

I told him that Doc got me a bunch of art supplies and I hadn't been able to do anything with them. I also told him I had gone from rather prolific poetry writing to no writing, even blowing off this journal more than ever before.

It took me all day and a two hour call to Kelli to get over the trauma of being in the truck, away from the house in a place I couldn't get back to my house from, and having to talk to strangers and the doctor. I feel all right now. I'm just waiting for Doc to get up for work so I can ask him if I can have one of his Xanax, because I took my whole one this morning, instead of leaving half for the evening.

I just want to watch NCIS New Orleans. That's all I'm waiting for. That's all I care about. I ate earlier, so I don't need to do that again.