August 13th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

on stuff and things

oops. i took my seroquel and then decided not to go to bed. we'll see if i pass out sitting up with the laptop on my lap.

i can't take any more coverage of Robin Williams. It hurts on such a deeply personal level. And to hear people talking about depression like it's this new phenomenon. maybe this will start the nationwide discussion we need so badly. Maybe that will be Robin's final gift to us. I know it's selfish of me to want one more thing from someone who gave all he had, until death.

but i don't have a lot of hope. tonight on the news they were talking about the police dealing with more mentally ill people and then transitioned to Robin and depression like there was no connection to the two things, mental illness and depression.

i should be happy, i got my med cocktail! but Robin is gone. I downloaded "Toys" to watch, then I saw a still from it and started weeping and I can't bring myself to watch it right now. I'm letting my play list soothe me.

HST's suicide wasn't as sad to me. He had lived longer than he wanted to. His body was failing him. He was done. It was a pragmatic decision a long time coming. Robin's death, not so much. The depression may have been a long time companion, but suicide is an instantaneous kind of thing. It's a choice made in desperation in a moment that can never be taken back if done right.

I'm taking this really personally, I know, but he meant that much to me. He was one of those constants in the world that made it a safer, better, brighter place. And things are really dim without him. Four more films to be released of him. Then it's done. The darkness falls. I really want someone to shove.

Time for bed. The seroquel has taken over and I am seeing double. Have a good night.
2013, cyd, new

i hate him right now

The Topomax is working as an appetite suppressant. I didn't sleep eat last night. I took one this morning and had to force myself to eat a pop tart. Then I got out a Milky Way bite, tiny little chocolate. Doc came down on me hard. Yelling at me about how smart did I think that was with my teeth and such shit until I spit it out in the sink. Then he declared me a drama queen. I couldn't eat it with him yelling at me, what the fuck was i supposed to do?

Then he started in with what I was going to eat in 16 hours. Duh, just took an appetite suppressant. Can't even think about food. Tried to tell him this, got called a bitch three times.

Then he comes outside and acts like nothing happened, fuck him. he can get his own self out of bed and off to work tonight. i'm tired of him calling me names. i don't call him names. and he knows "bitch" hurts me more than "cunt" or any other phrase.

It isn't like my teeth are going to grow back. I'm having them all pulled as soon as I can. A fucking chocolate is not going to do any harm. he won't let me drink soda, but has no problem with my drinking coffee full of sugar all day every day. how am i supposed to make sense and stay logical in this?
2013, cyd, new

So maybe I don't want to hear it from him.

Why is he doing this to me? he just came home with a bunch of yogurt for me. I don't like yogurt anymore. I have a case of nutrient shakes and peanut butter sandwiches. I am prepared for this. Then he gives me an ultimatum: either he goes back out and gets my frozen enchiladas, or he gets me Del Taco. He fucking knows well I can't eat Del Taco, even if I wanted to. Why is he doing this to me?

he also brought home a new toothbrush and a new tube of toothpaste. he just got me toothpaste a couple of weeks ago.

he is making me hate him. i get that he's supposed to be taking care of me, but he's just focused on one thing. one hopeless thing. oh, no, two things: saving my teeth, and making me eat more than I care to. or need to.

and he took the opportunity to yell at me again about the candy. that happened over an hour ago. and i spit the fucking thing out! but he must talk to me like a five year old: did I think it was a good idea? Why would I think that? Did I think it through? What should I do next time I wanted candy?

Meanwhile he hasn't seen a dentist since I've known him and gobbles candy like air. So maybe I don't want to hear it from him.
2013, cyd, new

I love the internet.

okay, so the Topomax makes me really sensitive. I've slept it off and I no longer hate doc. Can't really see why I hated him in the first place, usually I let that stuff roll right off my back. I all but begged him to stay home with me tonight. I don't feel that way anymore. I just have to get used to this. noted.

Doc is thinking about getting me a smartphone. one of the walmart deals, $200 phone, $40 per month plan. I think he's tired of me using his phone to text kelli and call kelli. He says I leave it sticky.

The Seroquel is a heavy dose. 400 mg per day. I was taking 150 mg. for the week leading up to the appointment. so I'm a bit of a wandering brain eater. The topomax adds to the fugue-like symptoms, with the added bonus of turning me into a moody teenager, as we found out today.

Doc finished the fence! It looks so much better than the chicken wire the original home owners had up. and it is secure. Chewy can't get out. The cats who can't jump over the wall can't get out. And giant alligators can't get in. That was a concern of mine.

So . . . tonight's topomax will be taken with the Seroquel so I just sleep through 15 again. My worry is tomorrow morning. I need to take it twice a day. I don't know if Doc can deal with me at 15. I sure as shit can't deal with it. But I know from experience that this kind of thing will lessen with time as I adjust to the chemical soup.

I tried for the third day to get a hold of my dentist. i finally got the machine . . . they are on vacation this week! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm so glad I'm not in pain. I would be so fucked.

Simon has stopped drooling and his tongue is back in his mouth. The worst is over. We still need to get him to the vet, he can only eat soft food still, but the emergency has passed. He's pissed off for some reas . . . oh, Evie is sleeping on the speaker that leads to the window sill. Yeah, that would do it.

Time to go mess with some stuff for a friend and learn a new program in the process. I learn so much from this girl who is an ocean away. I love the internet.