August 12th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

blah

Teen Hero Stuart Adamson of Big Country: 16 December 2001 he hung himself

Post teen Hero Hunter S Thompson: February 20, 2005 he shot himself in the head

Lifetime hero Robin Williams: August 11, 2014 apparent asphixia, self induced.

Am I picking my heroes wrong?
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

And hopefully not crying about it anymore.

I'm going to register Chewy as a Psychiatric Service Dog. His training is going very well. We've taught him, "Mommy needs you", and he comes to me when I cry. Our next step is to put my xanax in a place he can reach and train him to get it when I ask for it. It isn't necessary, but it would be nice, because sometimes I am frozen to the couch. One bonus, if our landlords find out about it, they can't charge us the pet fee, according to federal law. it only costs $64.95 and you get picture IDs and leash clips for them, informational pamphlets, patches to sew on a vest, and the paper work you need to show obstinate owners. Not that I take him out much and I don't want to take him to a restaurant or grocery store, but if I go to the movies, he would have to come with me. He's not in the least bit disruptive. He's calm and he pays close attention to me and to what is going on around him.

I'm going to make him a punk rock denim vest out of an old pair of jeans. then i'm going to get patches at Rockabilia.com and put them on with the certification patches so he doesn't look like a total puss. i don't want him wearing one of those electric orange vests. there is no need for that. Doc is teaching him how to cross streets, and in turn, Chewy is teaching me how to cross streets properly. I just kind of drift across. Chewy stops at the curb and waits for the command to go. Doc taught him that all by himself. Doc is really good at teaching him things. We're getting a whole new level of obedience out of what was once a pretty obedient dog.

Chewy can't get out of the fence again. Doc shored up the chicken wire the cats had pulled down. That is holding Chewy for now. Tomorrow we are doing the new fencing on that part of the gate. Then all problems will be solved. and the fencing we're putting up, black poultry fencing with rectangular holes against white iron bars, looks better than the chicken wire that was up, I don't think the landlords will complain.

Speaking of, the lantana in the pot in the back is doing really well, it's time to transplant it to the front to balance out the other lantana. we were technically not supposed to change the landscape, but two bushes died and we have no idea what they were, and the lantana looks good and will continue to look better over the years. and some roses died, so we're taking the plants out. we may replace them next spring. the tree trimming we're supposed to do. that will get done this fall. Doc will trim the trees back to within an inch of their leaves. Hopefully, he will get to the palms and the cypress long before that. he needs oil for his chainsaw. then a day with the chainsaw and me following him around picking up fronds and branches.

So, today is kind of momentous. It is the first time, ever, in 30 years of struggle, that I have been on the medication cocktail that my doctor and I thought was ideal for me. For the first time, money and side effects aren't holding me back. I finally get to see if it works. i'm pretty happy. pharmaceutically speaking, this is my best chance at some sort of symptom relief.

Of course, I have to give up a few things:
being alert
coordination
memory, short and long term
pain killers
alcohol
any hope of a Driver's License
clear headedness (confusion is big with 3 of four of my meds)
possible self-awareness

But, no voices. No hallucinations. No more snakes in the carpet. No more dead sister sitting on the couch. No more dead people at all. They aren't my problem anymore. They have no power over me. I am banishing them from my reality and retaking control. Now, if they could just figure out a way to stop this ringing in my ears, and don't say Lipoflavinoids, waste of money and liver process.

Now . . . what to do with my scars . . . Kelli and I were discussing how they brand me. How people see them right away and determine I'm crazy and shut down to me or grab hold and cling. I've got some great cat silhouettes that I would love tattooed over them randomly. That's some ink I could live with. I just don't know if one can tattoo successfully over scar tissue. I have to have a consult with Dirk Vermin. And that will take months, he's got a waiting list thanks to that damn TV show he's got now.

I'm going to go see if Amazon Prime or Netfllix Streaming has "Toys", my favorite Robin Williams movie. I just feel like watching it. And hopefully not crying about it anymore.