July 2nd, 2014

2013, cyd, new

so get this shit . . .

i could smoke all the pot i wanted right now. i could blast the top of my head off. and i don't want to smoke. at first i felt compelled, my impulsive nature and addictive relationship. then i just didn't care. and it wasn't because i was so stoned i just didn't care, i actually took a bath and sobered up and still don't want to do it. that's cool.

RIP to the cilantro. the 5 stalks have given up the ghost.

when doc planted his peppers and tomatoes, he chose a nice spot between two cypress trees, with a grassy patch in front. it was charming until we realized that the grassy area is the "killing field". it's where the cats take their prey to devour it. presumably where doc and i can't take it away from them. so there's bird and lizard parts i keep finding when i go out to water. ick.

ooh, Castle is on. my new favorite show since USA took NCIS away from me. they are the "Law and Order Channel" now. i hate them. So TNT stepped in with Castle at 4 until usually 11. much later than i stay up.

doc has been letting me cook for him recently. last night he actually asked me to cook him eggs, and he is very picky about his eggs, but i did them right with a little instruction and a bit of help from him.

hmmm, it's windy. looks like it's going to be a truck night.

okay, time to cuddle animals and watch TV for a while before i have to get doc up. in, three and a half hours. maybe i should try to sleep. i wonder. we'll see if the coffee calls more than sleep.
2013, cyd, new

i learned about Congress, give me a break.

i've made a decision, or come to a conclusion, one or the other. it doesn't matter that i haven't written poetry for a few months, i know i haven't lost my creativity. i know it's my motivation that i've lost. it will come back. i've been reading (gasp) self-help articles on how to stop procrastinating and how to motivate myself. most of it is happy-happy bullshit, but i've learned some things. like, it doesn't matter how ambitious you are if your emotions get in the way. emotions are the hardest thing to overcome when it comes to procrastination and self-motivation. this rang so true with me. it's completely my emotions that are getting in the way of my working.

and a dose of fear of failure, or worse, what i've gotten for the last 15 years, largely ignored. there is a "what's the point" element to everything i have planned or started. for some reason i can't see past that.

what a downer. i didn't mean to be. really. i'm feeling pretty good. i didn't sleep. so i should sleep well tonight. i'm going to try to stay up longer. it may make me sleep longer, but it may eliminate the morning nap habit i've gotten. i've beaten the afternoon nap. time to slay the morning nap. just sleep at night, like a normal person. i will miss the early mornings, but i can always go to bed at 9pm and wake up in time for sunrise. at 9pm my responsibility ends. doc is at work and my night is my own.

i think i'm going to have to make some coffee. i think i drank what doc left me in the pot.

that's all i have to do. oh, wait, put the dishes away that i washed a few hours ago. tomorrow i have to vacuum. i don't know why, but Evie keeps pulling her fur out in clumps, and before i can get to some of them, Teeny plays with them. so they get all over.

Teeny has become my bathroom cat. she comes in while i bathe and shower. when i shower, she stays near the door because we have no shower curtain and she would get wet if she didn't dart out. then she comes back in, and as soon as i turn the water off, she jumps in the tub and plays in the puddles. she is so weird. when i take a bath, she lays down in front of the tub. she even lets me drip water and bubbles on her and will play with the bubbles.

coverage on immigration bores me because i don't know where i stand on it. and i don't want to think about it because it is a complicated issue that confuses me that i just don't want to get into. i learned about Congress, give me a break.