June 25th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

i hold it out over the floor.

bills are almost paid. i have three dollars to pay to ebay once they change my password, then the bills are paid for the month and there's nothing left but rent. everything is a cycle of bills to doc. i can't imagine what goes through his head in the way of worrying about that.

there's nothing for it, i have to go to the government office and get Medicaid so i can get dentures so i can get a job. this is my new goal. i'll ask doc to take me down there, and hopefully i will qualify for it and get it. i need a job. before the end of the year. i mean this. i don't know who will hire me after so long, but i'm looking for something less customer intensive, anyway. like stocking shelves or working in a warehouse or lab doing menial things. i don't care, so long as it pays.

if i get a job, doc will be able to do things like go home to his parents for a bit and get lasik. and of course, get the truck fixed and legal. there's a wishlist he has prioritized. i'm not sure what comes first on it. probably the truck.

i went to bed at around 9:30pm. then i slept until 4. then doc called at 5 and i got up and did stuff. then i lay back down at 8 and slept until 1pm. now i'm trying to stay up for a few hours.

this is all about pot, this sleeping. it's the only way i don't crave it and think of it constantly. and doc is giving me less and less. i think he means for me to quit. i'm zen with that. it's an expense we don't need. not the greatest of our expenses, but one none the less.

okay, i owe ebay more than i thought. i have to check with doc before i pay it. okay, that's on hold. everything else done.

back to the pot thing. yes, i know that is extremely addictive behavior. i have it bad. over pot. something so harmless and stupid and my brain has turned it into this THING that just dominates everything else. it's part of why i am so depressed. i'm not stealing it anymore, so my supply is severely limited compared to my usual consumption. i have to push myself beyond this, or i'm going to be useless. i have to get past this. and i have to do it on my own. i don't know that doc has the strength and patience to help me quit because things will be miserable around here for a while when i do.

The first thing i've conquered is baths. i can now take and enjoy a bath without a pipe. and i've gotten really good at finding little things to do to keep my mind off of it for a bit. but little things. i can't get into anything big. i won't even commit to a movie. i go to sleep. not good. doc is being very good about not nagging me terribly. he gives me shit for it every day, but he doesn't go on and on about it. there's no point. i agree with everything he says. i just have no impulse control.

i'm going to go take a bath and see if i can't get through this part of The Vampire Armand without falling asleep and dropping the Kindle in the tub. I kid, i would never chance dropping it. i hold it out over the floor.
2013, cyd, new

a little bit of all of the above?

i took a long bath. i recovered from that (too hot). i cleaned the kitchen. I stuffed too many cigarettes. I fed Lelu and let the other cats in. Well, went out and found Bagira and brought him in, and let Evie in. Bagira doesn't have the good sense to come in when he gets too hot. he was out there panting the other day and i still had to pick him up and bring him in. he gratefully lay down on the tile floor.

i think i'm going to stay up until doc gets up. i'm going to try. i don't know what else to do, though. except chain smoke. watch TV, Castle is on. I have to watch the news in 15 minutes to get the weather report for doc. He has to know how windy it's going to be so he knows if he should take the bike or the truck.

i know that somewhere deep down inside i am a very strong person. there was a time i wasn't defeated by everything. i don't know what happened. did i grow up and become so jaded that i became weakened? i am a much less idealistic and much more a fatalistic person than i was when i was younger. i've lost that feeling of indestructibility. i guess everyone does to an extent. but i don't seem to have done anything about it, i just let myself fester.

i have to think on that more. maybe i need to go back and read my old poetry and journals and find out who i was. i'm not who i was when i got here to Vegas, that person was fully delusional. i thought i was steps away from inexplicable fame, i lost my ever-lovin' mind. before that . . . when i first met Doc.

and maybe i am weak because doc lets me be. in a way no one else ever has. i don't know. a little bit of all of the above?