May 19th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

okay, so it's my birthday

i'm 45. and absolutely numb. i couldn't think of anything i wanted for my birthday. doc talked me into getting a cake, i think we have some candles and champagne. he even got me spanikopita for lunch for tomorrow.

my mother sent me an early birthday greeting yesterday through facebook. how is she still able to message me? i didn't need to hear from her, and what's her point? after that perfomance of absence at xmas and the following nana stroke thing, why is she talking to me now? just to get to me. i know it. and i let her. she got me again. why can't i have a normal mom, instead of this petty, vindictive bitch? or one that didn't care at all. i could handle that. apathy, instead of what i get. i'd rather be ignored.

i'll post the pictures later, when i feel like playing with my cameras, but i got some lovely pink/orange Aldanas and a really healthy basil plant today. two of the aldanas went out front to replace the dead bushes. they are ground spreaders, so they will fill out the rocky area nicely. and they are perennial.

the basil i put in a smaller pot than i wanted to, but the larger decorative one i had didn't have a drain hole in it, so i couldn't use it. so i used my last pot. another nice one that doc bought for me when i was frantically trying to grow things in the apartment. with no sunlight.

tomorrow i have to rearrange the plants. doc took the tomato and the pepper plant and planted them at the back wall, so i have to take those pots out of the arrangement.

that's it. i'm waiting for doc to leave, then i'm taking the dog for a walk then i'm putting on The Fifth Element and going to sleep. my nap tonight was . . . disconcerting. i'd like to leave it behind with a solid four hours of dreamless sleep.

i have soda for tomorrow morning. and i rolled cigarettes for the day. tomorrow is cleaning day. that will keep me busy in the morning while i wait for doc to get home from work. he said he wished he took my birthday off, but that would have been bad. we just snipe at each other. when we get along, it seems like no big deal, when we fight it seems like no big deal. i just don't care. but i'm glad he didn't take the day off. that would have sucked.
2013, cyd, new

some pictures as promised

we had coffee in the sideboard. i should have looked there. instead i used all of doc's vanilla coffee. i'll save that for him when he gets home.

i just rearranged and watered the babies. i've been keeping a watering can out there to keep the sproutlings wet. the daisy/marigold combo is sprouting already, which is cool because it got the driest yesterday. i was really worried about it. i'm going to plant them in the big, shallow, terra cotta bowl i have. they were to go out front, but i'm too in love with whatever i got Landana. i looked at the tag, i was mispelling it. i was going to do cacti in the terra cotta bowl, but they were $4 a piece and i needed 8 of them. screw that. daisies and marigolds.

o, i have images to share. let me go play with them.

okay, here we go:



moon at night

moon during the day

tulip goes low

tulip goes high

and the cam is on. cat pee watch. someone has been peeing in the mudroom outside the giant cat box. we need to find out who. so check out the cam every so often ( see if you can catch the culprit. there will be prizes. i don't know what yet, but i'll think of something.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

i'm damn lucky.

doc is out trying to salvage my birthday. i got no mail. no presents. i'm shallow. that matters to me, i'll admit it, i don't give a fuck. he's out getting me an italian feast. and we have cake with candles. and champagne. brut.

i have Beyonce's XO on repeat. i love everything about the song. the beats, the mix, the vocals, the back up vocals, the over dubs. all of it. i simply love this song. i can't even watch the video, i know it's of her having fun at the shore, but it just reminds me of the shore and makes me weep.

so many places i'm glad i've been. so many experiences i'm so glad i had. even if i can't admit all of them, and likely never will, i treasure each one for what it may have taught me or shown me. even the bad ones. they made me who i am. and that isn't a bad person. too quick to temper, generally misanthropic, always sarcastic. but generally honest, if completely deluded. i try to be nice.

i joke and say that if i had it to do over again, i wouldn't. but i don't know if that is true. i wouldn't be here if i hadn't taken the journey i did. and i like it here. when it all comes down to it and i'm not overtaken by my depression, i love my life. i have it pretty easy, considering how many mad people wander alone on the streets. i found someone to take care of me. two someones. i'm damn lucky.