May 4th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

time to go take care of him.

in the on-going struggle to find a way to spend the next 40 years without making doc kill me or ending up on the streets, i've come up with two things. first, adderall. it's speed. no doctor has been willing to give it to me as yet, i want to try it and see if it motivates me at all, that would help things a lot. and at the other end of the spectrum, we have haldol. basically, putting myself into a drug-induced fugue state for the rest of my life. maybe sometimes coming off of it to try it again.

i can't afford to keep smoking pot. and i have to do something different. hence the adderall. if the doctor would just let me try it for a month and see if it made any difference. doc could keep an eye on me and take me off the med if it was harming me. i have to be more assertive with my doctor. once he has my records . . . that should make it easier. and maybe i can get my records released from the hospital, too, to help him out with my episodes, since they've witnessed and documented them.

i'm afraid Chewy got into something while running around the neighborhood. he's been compulsively licking his paws all day. i took him in the shower and washed his paws off really well. he's sleeping peacefully right now next to Lelu. I'm worried about him. because of the pot buying, we have no savings and nothing to take him to the vet with. when he wakes up, i'm going to wash his paws off again. and i won't be letting him get out loose anymore. i will be eating my fear and taking him for walks.

i did it last year. i even got as far as the park a few times. my mp3 player helped. i'll start using that again. i have to take care of my doggy. he's not that bright, he gets into stuff. if something happened to him because i can't leave the house to walk him, i would never forgive myself. and here, it may have already happened. god only knows what he's been ingesting all day from his paws. when he wakes up i'll give him some milk, since he won't take antacid. no, he's up, and licking again. time to go take care of him.
2013, cyd, new

he's just smart enough to get into trouble

Chewy is finally getting some sleep. i was up with him all night while he licked, trying to clean off his paws and check them. the second bath this morning seemed to help. he ran around like a nut ball and then passed right out. so he's getting some rest. i'm convinced he got into something while he was out running around. no more unaccompanied trips out. i can't go through this worry every time he does something stupid. he's not the smartest dog. he's just smart enough to get into trouble.
2013, cyd, new


i watched Dune. again. i love that movie so dearly. now i'm watching V for Vendetta.

i think i'm going to call my new shrink on monday and ask him about the adderall. no, maybe i should wait until he has my records. though my last shrink wouldn't let me try it. i just want to try it for a month and see if it makes a difference in my focus and motivation. that would do a lot to alleviate my depression. i'll spend the next two or three days reading up on the pros and cons and get my arguments ready for him.

i want him to read my records, at least skim them. i hope i can count on this doctor and he's not just another medicare doctor who doesn't care. just write the scripts and send them on their way. i'm going to give it another chance after he has my records. if we could at least get him to fill out the FMLA paperwork for his HR dept. rarr.