April 13th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

My tweets

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2013, cyd, new

catharsis

i made the decision today. and i finally told doc. it's time to walk away from this while he is still young. i'm not going to get what i want out of this relationship, and i can't handle any more pretending/trying.

this leaves me with the ultimate choice. staying in a loveless marriage that is going downhill, or give up my worldly possessions and pets and finding a long term group home that i can just trade my SSI check for room/board.

the only places on the web are resort type places for the rich to go and get away from it all. that's not what i'm talking about. and i know it. i'm talking about spending the next thirty some years living with crazy strangers in a stranger's home with no money or freedom or possessions. giving up my art entirely. maybe being able to keep some of my notebooks and keep writing.

so when i see my doctor in two weeks, i will ask him to come up with some recommendations. if i have to, i will go stay in the hospital long enough to hook up with a social worker.

i should be able to get food stamps once doc and i are divorced. so i can contribute that to wherever i end up living.

i just don't know what i'm going to do with all of the animals. and i have to get my paperwork from SSI changed over to another guardian, presumably the owner of the group home i'll be living in.

thanks to the bedbugs, everything cloth i own is garbage, so no problem getting rid of my stuffed animals and tigger collection and vintage clothes. it's just stuff, right. my art supplies i can sell off on ebay and give the cash to doc to finish out my rent for the lease here. though it may take until the end of the lease to get the paperwork sorted out. doc can keep all of my electronics, and whatever books and trinkets he wants. the rest gets thrown away. i don't even have any friends to give it away to.

this is by far and away the most terrifying thing i have ever had to do. but it has to be done before this goes any further. i'm sick and bloody tired of waiting around for the people who are supposed to love me to actually love me. i just want to be alone.

in a semi-related note, i am committing Twitter-cide. Making my account inactive. Signing in as Circus Catimus and not reading, just posting as the animals for as long as i have them for. my last hurrah. i guess i should work on the photo book and see if maybe that can sell (HA!) and get me the money i'm going to need for doc.
2013, cyd, new

i'm just so there

so doc is numb. okay. he's mad about the animals. he explained why he can never love me the way i want him to. i understand. i do. i get it. i kind of got it before he explained it, but he made it clear. he said he cares about me, though. yeah. great. so does the dog.

we fought over zenweb.net. it's about to expire. i've owned it for some 15 years. i could change my email over to my gmail account and just let zenweb.net lapse. the only point in having it is kelli's site, and i can just give her fabulousdisaster.com until it expires. let that be her site. i got rid of McAfee so i can update my site now. i can just put her new site up in place of mine that is up right now.

it's just so old, you know? i can't watch the bad people win anymore. i can't deal with what reality is. i can't see more fucked up people with all the love in the world. i can't keep hearing about how a parent's love is unconditional, when that just isn't true. and if it's true with everyone else, why not with me? why am I the unlovable one? why did i get the marriage that is a business arrangement? what made me agree with it? i thought i could make him love me? wow, i am irretrievably stupid.

and my capacity to lie to myself and those around me just bolsters the unhealthiness of where i am at. i'm never going to get better here. he's never going to love me because i am never going to get better. there, that's the truth of it. my parent's were right. no one will want me, i am damaged.

okay this doesn't come from a place of self pity. i'm not there. i'm feeling almost solid after the decision. i want to go back on haldol if i have to do this. i don't want to be aware of time passing if this is the way it must pass. i'll just go back on haldol and i'll never know what happened.

i guess this is where you go when you aren't crazy enough to kill yourself. as long as society holds together, i can have a place to live and food to eat. too bad medicare doesn't cover dentures, i could get my teeth back and try to get a job. i'm sure i can get them through another charity eventually. or not. whatever.

i'm just shutting down. going inside. i don't even know if i'll keep talking. i'm just so tired of it all. you know, because, fuck it. i've been fighting for a long time. been waiting for life's knockout punch, but that isn't coming. life is just going to wear me down until i'm too tired to fight back. i'm there. i'm just so there.

i never thought giving up would be like this. there is untold fear of the unknown, but there is a relief. suicide is a really stressful thing. at least it always was the way i did it. it wasn't like this. i can get sleep like this. i finally got some sleep.

ignore all my tweets from yesterday. the whole Bundy Ranch abortion in the news is what triggered this, somehow, but my tweets about it won't give any insight. just show a lot of rage.

how much more of this mindless animation on fox do i have to watch before Cosmos comes on?
2013, cyd, new

n

the only thing keeping me from shaving my head right now is the fact that the clippers are in doc's bathroom and he's asleep. i really don't care what i look or smell like anymore. and my hair is bugging me.

maybe i should take a xanax. i just made myself a coffee. it's good.

i ate today. breaded shrimps and cheese sticks. i didn't want to, but doc wouldn't give me the cola until i ate. i have some ground beef to cook and make nacho meat out of. maybe tomorrow morning the idea of cooking beef won't make me so sick as it does now.

i wonder if there is any conceivable way i could get Chewy registered as a companion dog so i could keep him. it would probably take more time and money and training than i have. but i could look into it. i have a lot of free time since taking Twitter out of my bookmarks.

i hate commercials where they play some song at the end which is nothing more than some woman wailing unintelligibly for five seconds. why? so i will hate your product? so it stands out as one that must always be avoided? who is this shit being marketed to? another sign i just don't fucking belong out in society.

waited all week for Cosmos, woke up especially for it. can't concentrate on it. want to change it.

i'll never be happy again, will I? But was I ever really happy? Or have I just been faking it while waiting for it to be real? i don't know any more. i really don't.

the animals are so in tune with me. i spend 24 hours a day with them, they should be. several cats are gathered on the couch behind me and the floor surrounding me. Chewy is restless, but keeps coming over to lick me and check up on me. he needs to go for a walk. i can't do it. i can't leave the house. doc thinks that i've been taking Chewy out twice a day and I've just been letting him out to run the neighborhood. because i can't make myself leave the house. so on top of everything, i am a liar and a bad mommy.

it's been a year since that bitch moved in here for two months. i'd love to forget, but i have all these fucking bugs. my new bed is infested. along with my pillow, which i have been sleeping on. i'm too grossed out. we found a thing online about silica cat litter, a coffee grinder and pepper shakers. we have to cover everything with the silica dust. all the furniture all my clothes all the linens all the pillows. i don't care about my bed, i sleep on the couch anyway mostly. i'll be moving into a place with a bed. i'm not trying to drag around furniture.

no, i haven't talked to Kelli about any of this. She has her own thing going on right now, and I've taken enough from her over the years. And I have nothing to give, so I'm just going to avoid her while i do all of this life changing.

i keep writing thinking i will write my way out of this. but i won't. i can't. but that doesn't mean i won't keep trying.