March 18th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

all groggy and cranky and clingy

I just heated up some milk and made myself a good, old fashioned, New Orleans cafe au lait. If I'm going to be awake, I may as well be enjoying myself. So good. I even made a fresh pot of coffee for it, none of that reheated crap.

The poor mood has passed. I've been decent to Doc for the last two days. I cant get my shit together outside of my relationship with him, but all that's not important right now. only he is.

I've been messing around with Photoshop all night. I only have two completed pictures to show for it, but I've learned a lot. I found a tutorial that was too advanced for me to follow. Wow, did that slam me back to earth. I got all excited about following it and making the image changes and tweaks, but it was just too much for me. back to the intermediate section, I am not yet a pro.

Chewy and Evie are curled up together at the other end of the couch.

Wow, this flight 370 thing is really fucking people up. A family of one of the passengers was just on the MSNBC talking about how the guy is big and strong and can survive "things", and the big party they are going to have when he comes home. Wow. The plane is gone. If the plane is still around, the people are gone. No one is going to keep 200 people in line and alive and fed and pottied in whatever third world, radar-less country they are supposed to have landed in. Why are people who are so into believing in the all around greatness of God, won't accept death without a rotting corpse? And I say "rotting" because they tend to keep the brain dead alive as well, which is sick and sad.

I mean, if you can believe in a God, why can't you believe that the plane went down without the wreckage? do you think it is just hovering above the earth in suspended animation where the children on board never need to be changed or fed, no one needs their medication, or food or sleep. what the actual fuck? It's been almost two weeks, start making the plans for the memorials and get on with your life. If something happens and he comes back, it will be a wonderful surprise, if not, you are already on your way to healing.

that's enough on that. now that i've said this, they will find the plane in the desert with a bunch of poopy, malnourished people.

say what you want about the United States, they would at least put aside their differences to find the plane instead of obfuscation and infighting. These people aren't interested in international cooperation, they are only interested in maintaining the status quo. And that means hiding and lying, to the detriment of the survivors. We find our shit. We don't fight about it.

dammit, i have a headache. maybe i should make those nachos. yesterday i ended up eating leftover cheese steak. i mentioned we found a place that makes them Philly style? i did. well, doc did. i don't leave the house. I miss Philly cheese steaks and authentic calzones and strombolis and pizza, but not as much as I missed Tex-Mex food when i was back east. Do you know that for the first three years we lived in Pittsburgh, we couldn't get tortillas? Even now, you cannot get authentic tex-mex back east. Even in a restaurant, still not doing it. Even with mexican cooks, women, old and imported ingredients. it must be the water out there. it just isn't the same. and it's expensive as all get out. I can go and spend $10 at any Roberto's in this city and have three days worth of delicious tex-mex food to eat. I wouldn't give that up for any calzone. I can live without pizza.

Every so often, Doc finds a new pizza place and we try it. Most of them are owned by Turks for some reason. Back east, it was Greeks doing the pizza. The more authentic a place claims to be, the worse the food and higher the prices. There's a manhattan pizza place up the road that tries to sell a small new york cheese pizza for $12. It won't feed two. And there is, to my knowledge, no such thing as a "small" new york pizza. We have found one place that makes a decent white pizza, which was lucky because it was the only place within 10 miles that actually makes a white pizza. And they use a mozzarella/provolone mix on fresh dough. Frozen dough is all the rage out here, I don't know why. I guess it's cheaper, though I don't see how. Everything we have has to be shipped in as far as food goes, so it should all be equally expensive.

OOOH, i get paid tomorrow. cool. doc is stressing about money in a big way. that will make things easier. i have to keep in mind not to mention money or spending money for a while, so he doesn't tense up. he said the other day that he felt he could "snap" at any moment, he is so far gone about our finances. I don't know what a "snap" would entail, but I don't want it to come to that.

If any of my stuff on ebay would sell, it would be nice. just ten bucks to cover my server fees each month, not too much to ask, i don't think. then i would be responsible for something else besides rent. i'm going to have to pay for meds this month, too. i don't expect it to be much, but we only ever have $100 to play with. When it comes to shopping, Doc can make that last for a month, when it comes to prescriptions, there is no sale rack. the money goes fast.

i wanted to get/host a domain for Kelli to go with her site for her birthday (which was yesterday), but Doc said no, because i didn't have the money. I wanted to get a smart phone, doc said no. Doc never says no to me. So this is serious. I mean, I ALWAYS get what i want. if he's not doing it, there is a damn good reason. and i don't want to encroach on that. i'm good with my phone, and i've discovered the kindle recently and have been using the shit out of that. I'll get Kelli's domain eventually. once she's comfortable with the site and i've done any revisions she asks for. it's a very simple site, but i'm really proud of it. i may have talent at this after all.

Chewy will not stop licking his paws. I don't know what his deal is. When we first got him, he was all about licking his junk, and we pretty much stopped that. He's allowed to lick, not to linger. Same thing with licking any other part of himself, he is not a cat. I tolderate him cleaning himself because it's cute. but obsessive licking is a sign of something else. and i don't know if he's nervous or allergic, or bored. he stops when i scold him and settles down, so i'm thinking he's just bored. he's grumpy in the mornings. it takes him a while to wake up and be himself. he wakes up all groggy and cranky and clingy.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new


I read Pandora, by Anne Rice, today. Over the last two days, i read Merrick. Now I'm re-reading The Vampire Lestat. I have at east five more Rice books to go before I run out. Then on to something else.

I got a collection of 3,000 popular books. Everything from Aristotle to Stephen Colbert. Once I'm done with Rice, I will go back to my high school syllabus and re-read the classics.

For some reason I read really fast on a Kindle. I never would have finished that book in one day if it were a paper book. I think it is because I can take the Kindle everywhere with just one hand, so I don't have to stop reading to eat or smoke. or walk down the hall.

So, all this anti-gay bullshit in Uganda? The fault of American Christian Evangelicals. A group of those freaks went there and held a conference on homosexuality and presented themselves as scientists. And they spouted all of their poison. And the poor, misled Ugandan president, who wasn't burdened with an overabundance of learning, himself, fell for it all.

They are not content to ruin America, they have to fuck up the rest of the world, too. Christianity has a long history of taking advantage of the ignorant to further its dogma. I used to blame the people, not the religion, but I'm coming to understand that the religion is just as much to blame, it has been unchanged in its tactics since its inception. It has been a scam since the start.

i'm beginning to picture a severe future, where the Evangelicals have taken over the country. The poor are left to fend for themselves. Pre-natal care is almost unheard of in the name of not interfering with God's plan. The rich Evangelicals, for that is all that is left, the poor have died off and no longer drag the scene down, live in fortresses, away from the food riots in the streets. Children are abandoned by the dozens as birth defects rise and care declines, and the poor are no longer able to care for them. (though they keep having them because birth control is no longer available) The borders are closed to all and the country begins a long process of isolating itself socially from the world while simultaneously jumping militarily into every conflict that arises in the world.

This is our future, people. This is what we have to look forward to. As hopeful and positive as the left is, the right is in the majority, or at least it keeps winning the ruling vote: congress. We are losing our country to ignorance and religion. It is only a matter of time before one of these loons is president.

Universities will be shut down in the name of social conservation, to rid society of all of those liberal professors. History will be destroyed and rewritten, the truth lost forever. Books and music and art will be destroyed in the name of god and jesus. All of the nightmares of past despots will be our future because they rewrite history and they don't learn and they are so gullible.

I have no hope for our future. Not as a country. Not as a republic. Not as a democracy.

And what will they have when they reign? An all-consuming feeling of love and fulfillment? righteousness? They will have no security, no rest. The left makes noise now, and the right likes to say we're being Nazis, but they don't know what living in fear and oppression really are. The poor, driven to give up their children, their homes, their dignity, will rise up. But by that time, the party that rises will not be any better than the one in charge. by this time, the left will have learned, too well, that you cannot use facts to compete with dogma. They will make up one of their own. It will be too late. It is almost too late.

I thiink i'm going to take the above four paragraphs and write my first tumbrl essay. I've had a tumblr account for a while now, but haven't known what to put up there, i want to make it different content than i have already out in the ether. so i figured, political stuff. i can rant and be a left-wing nut job and dedicate that space to it. i am pretty sure i have my first essay right here.

i had the most brilliant english teacher in college that taught me a simple formula to write informative essays. here, i'll open photoshop and draw the formula for you. I will never forget it. and i followed it and got straight A's on my papers because of it, not just in her class, either.

it's supposed to look like a roman temple. i'm not very good freestyle in photoshop. it's the simplest thing. it of course can be expanded upon, but that is the basic of it. and i always kept my papers organized after that. so i'm going to use the same formula to write my tumblr essays. how can it go wrong?