February 17th, 2014

2013, cyd, new

and i want no part of it.

i went to sleep at one. got up at 3. had a cigarette, refilled my soda. then i wrote a political slam poem. then i masturbated to some lesbian porn that doc downloaded for me. and now i'm going to have a bowl of cereal and hope i keep it down. i still don't feel like eating, but i'm feeling some blood sugar issues, so i want to be at my best today. that's why the masturbating, i didn't want to be distracted.

i don't know why, i just feel this day is important. and not because it's president's day and doc may get a bed. i just have a lot i want to accomplish and i feel like i will.

i put the band that was on my index finger onto my thumb and my whole outlook on life changed.

it was 78 yesterday. and should be again today. before it got warm yesterday, we had a fire in the fire pit. i love that fire pit. best thing kelli ever told me to buy.

i spent a bunch of time outside yesterday just thinking and enjoying the air. i can't wait until spring.

okay, i have nothing important to say. it's all just poetry. oh, i was reading Anne Sexton's collected poems and i decided i don't like her poetry. too flowery. and she worked too hard to rhyme it when the word breaks are never on the rhyme. so it's just lost. what a waste of time and emotion. the whole forward was about how this buddy of hers would work with her to "refine" her poems to make them less raw and more structured. what brilliance was lost in this misguided process? if i had someone doing that with my work, i would produce nothing at all. i guess that's the cost of wanting to be a "famous" poet, you have to sacrifice real feeling to please the forms and structures of the art. fuck that. that's not my idea of art, that is my idea of commercialism. and i want no part of it.
2013, cyd, new

why do i suddenly hate all of my music?

jaysus. oh god. i was sitting here, reviewing bad poetry (some good ones, i have to admit, just not in the last hour) and i realized i was singing, no rapping along to Kanye West. Yes, I have a Kanye song on my music stick. It's stronger with Daft Punk. the only thing by either of them that i can stand. I don't think I've ever rapped before. scary.

here's a poem that was in a contest that it didn't win, and is now in another contest that it probably won't win, but i like it because i wrote it and it rhymes.

Purple
Not quite the blues,
Almost a bruise.
Reflecting no sunlight.
Royal and right.
Violets peeking in the sun,
Lavendar in fields where I run.
Stripes in the sunset
Give me all I can get.

Not red like a rose,
Like a punch in the nose.
Darker than your smoky eyes.
Cool and soft, no surprise.
Deep veins reflect it,
Sea shells dissect it.
Purple is my love,
Like the feet of a dove.

I was pushing it to get the rhyme in the last line, you'll forgive me, i hope. For the record i have seen doves with purple feet.

i have no patience for bad poetry. i keep skipping over pieces because i can't think of anything positive to say, not one thing that i can pick out. that sucks. oh well, i'll have plenty of opportunity, i have to enter 6 contests and post 10 poems. that's 180 poems i have a chance to comment on. and i only need something like 60 comments to move on.

i think i'll go stuff today's cigarettes, have one, take my meds and brush my teeth now that i've eaten.

the weight loss thing is working, albeit slowly. my rings are all loose and i'm going to have to take them off to keep typing, they keep spinning around on my fingers, it is very distracting while typing.