January 2nd, 2014

2013, cyd, new

plus they'll always be available on pirate bay

yeah, my main page of my site is really bothering me. i want to incorporate more graphics, without taking away from the content. i need to make the buttons smaller, and black. but what about the other two colors? i can't decide. maybe red and orange. i'm just so conflicted about it. it was different when it was mainly writing. but now it's so much more visual, well, i mean it to be, eventually. so i dreamed about that. i searched "photography" and "multi media artist" and "spoken word" and found nothing inspiring. white with arial text. sometimes a banner above. always flash. i don't want flash. i mean, i do, but. . .

i plan to, if possible, make a flash player that can play my mp3's and videos. i don't like having the mp3's downloadable anymore. if someone wants one to mix with, let them email me and ask me. i will give it up. if they want them badly enough, they can buy them when i make them available. i just wish i had more control over it. the work from "Stop Poking Me, Lady" is everywhere, on every dinky mp3 downloading site. i don't like that anymore because i'm not always properly credited, or the pieces don't lead back to fabulousdisaster.com. i didn't care at one point, i care now. i can't undo what's been done, and i don't want to. but i do want to control things more from here on out.

so today is the last day to see my Nana. i know i said i wouldn't think about it, but this thing with possibly Kelly and the emails has me in family nostalgia web of hate and sadness. doc suggested i call last night, and talk to her. but they would not let me if i did. and they won't let her pick up the phone if it's me (damn you, caller ID). doc suggested what i thought of, that we go kidnap her. then we broke down with the idea of taking my step stool for taking things off the 7' shelves, to get her up into the truck. right. we laughed pretty hard.

so what i'm going to do is call her this weekend when she gets home. tell her i'm sorry i missed her but my parents and i just couldn't coordinate a time. i can't believe, unless something drastic happens, that i'm not going to get to see her again, when she is within walking distance. and my stupid mother went out of the way to mention that she was here. she didn't have to do that, she could have kept her passive aggressive mouth shut. stupid cow. no, it's my fault for contacting them in the first place. i remember how optimistic i was about it a month ago. ha!

so (i plan to start every paragraph with "so" from now on), i am officially depressed. i slept all day yesterday. i couldn't be with doc. i couldn't talk to him. i called kelli, but that only helped while we were on the phone.

i JUST found the las vegas poets site. i'm so dumb. it's only been around for 10 years. i also joined the group on meetup. now i know when and where all the readings are around town. and they are everywhere, all the time now. i need a friend to go with me. i can't do it alone, i have faced that. maybe i should put an ad in craigslist for a companion not opposed to a lot of bad poetry. but i could perform 12 times a month, if i wanted. and i want to. i want to hit the scene like a storm, like i did before.

i want teeth. *sigh*

i'm going to go lay down or read or something. probably lay down. it's not time to take my meds yet. i'll feel better when i take my meds. i hope. i hate this. i used to wallow in it and now i hate every damn second. i can see out of it, i just can't seem to claw my way up and out of it.
2013, cyd, new

i want cookies

i was trying to sleep, but there was a bug on my wrist and one on my face and one on my shoulder. i killed all three and then sprayed down the couch with alcohol and took the quilt out and hung it and sprayed it with alcohol. grrr. now i feel all creepy crawly.

i never got to see my Nana. i really thought my mom would come through today. ha. you'd think after 44 years, i would learn. i'll call her this weekend.

i redesigned the main page of fabulousdisaster.com again. i hated the blue and purple as soon as i had uploaded it. doc says the graphics are way too small now. too small to be used on a phone, but i don't really care about that. my whole site is phone unfriendly. i have rollover graphics and shit that just doesn't work on the phones. so i'm not really worried about that aspect of it. i don't think people should be surfing the web on tiny screens, anyway. this is my stand.

i also recorded three new pieces for the spoken word page. i have come to the decision that i do not like "Go Ahead, Eat the Daisies". it isn't as good as "Poking". maybe after i edit it for punctuation and capitalization and shit and add some more work to it and republish it, i will like it better. it's the content. the poetry just isn't as good. i see it now as i look for pieces to read. i'm having a really hard time finding pieces to read. i may just go back to reading stuff from "Poking". i don't know. i guess i need to write better poetry. which i am now. "Daisies" represents the last ten years. and most of you know, they were not good or coherent years. so of course the work sucks. i couldn't follow a train of thought. i couldn't read books for five years in there, writing a poem was equally out of bounds.

we have come to the conclusion that Lelu has lost her hearing. we've been testing her and getting nothing. it's beyond her ignoring us. she feels vibrations well enough, she just can't hear our voices or the dog barking or Major meowing. she's old. i'm glad it was her hearing that went and not her sight. that would be too much for me, i don't know how i would deal with her not being able to see. and would the others take advantage of her? anyway, yeah, deaf cat. so she can't hear me sing, lucky kitty.

ugh, there is a bug in my shirt, and i can't get it. grr. i liked that shirt, too. although the one i have on now smells nicer.

i'm wearing leggings today. doc said i looked comfortable, and asked if he should be buying me leggings when he sees them on sale at wallyworld. um, yes! i don't wear them out because i see myself as still fat. so i won't wear them in public. but for hanging around the house, which is what i am always doing, they are fabulous.

i napped in my bed for the first time in a month or more. it was nice. i slept for four hours. so i guess it was good. i woke up and it was dark, i was so confused. i think tonight after doc leaves, i will go to bed in there. the bugs kind of ruined it for me out here.