November 7th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

not doing great this morning, i dreamt of him for the first time in years and now i'm afraid

beatnik

he had to watch me
fall in love with you
and he stood by
as we ripped
each other apart
and i confused you
and you hurt me
that it was my fault
goes without saying
i made it happen
i was the stupid one
and i almost killed
everything i had
for your bitterness
for your meanness
he had to watch me
get over you again
after so many years
and he stood by
while my heart broke
and promises
were never kept
and you ran
that was my fault
it goes without saying
i made it happen
i was the stupid one
and i almost killed
everything i had
this many years later
he still has to hear
the catch in my voice
as i mention you
compulsively
unable to stop myself
reliving the pain and anger
and i look to him
to make it go away
even for a little while
while you
never know anything
2013, cyd, new

fuck

the first few lines of this show up in the facebook feed and i don't want it to because people who don't click on this to read it don't deserve any previews.

i'm listening to Linkin Park's "Bleed it Out" over and over again. i just feel that way today.

i had a dream about "him" . . . carter. there's a name we haven't heard in years. yes, i still carry a torch for this loser. i can't explain it. i don't know what it is about him. he's not attractive inside or out. he is, in fact, a troll, inside and out. not an internet troll-troll . . . more of an under-the-bridge troll. i had a dream that leaves me feeling as if i'm going to see him soon. kind of hard, i don't go out. though i was going to ask doc to take me to an open mic night friday downtown. i may just forget about that. downtown is where the troll lives now.

this has set me into a bad mood today. i will not take it out on doc. nor will i tell him about it. the poem i just posted kind of says why.

on to other things. i've been able to sleep at small stretches at a time. not too much REM sleep, but i'm okay with that. dreams just cause me trouble. my mood has been good. day four of no pot. as of today we can get more, but we have no source. we hear in the new year, up to 100 dispensaries are trying to open here. now all i have to do is get enough money together to illegally buy a half pound for the privilege of being able to legally obtain it. with no real way to legally obtain it. story of my life.

i'm feeling pretty hopeless today. it's that stupid dream, it's that stupid man. everything he made me feel is at the surface. all the confusion and grief and frustration.

try to get my shit pulled together for doc to get home. he's bringing bagels home today. fresh, delicious bagels. not those supermarket abominations that pass for bagels. this is a rare treat for me. only the fourth time i've had a real bagel in the past 13 years. and i used to work at a bagel bakery/bistro. i used to live on the things.

i can't write. i am just too overwhelmed by my feelings.
2013, cyd, new

fucking bedbugs

i woke up to one of my nightmares. bugs on me. in the space of ten seconds, i caught 5 of the fuckers. now my blanket and pillow are out on the porch and the couch is covered in rubbing alcohol (kills them), and i can't fucking breathe and doc is asleep on the kitchen floor. i'm so angry right now. B is supposedly coming over tomorrow and i am somehow expected not to kill him. and i don't even have anywhere to hide from him because my room is a fucking biohazard. i hate this. everything else is going so well, so of course this is happening. it's like B has cursed us, any time we are happy, something to do with him comes up and ruins it. he's a fucking curse on us. his bad fortune has been spread onto us like diseased butter.