November 4th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

ugh

i really have to pull my shit together or im going to end up back in the hospital. my meds are not working without the addition of the greenery. maybe they never worked and it was all the chronic. i don't know. i do know i'm really fucked up right now. when they cleaned me up at rehab they put me on so much haldol that i couldn't stay awake and spent the next year in a fugue state. i don't want to do that again. but i don't want to be a slave to the pot. funny thing how it's better for me than the meds. no, i have to put that out of my mind.

this is going to be short. my hand hurts from its violent meetings with the wall and i have a novel to work on. so i'm saving my typing for that. speaking of being in a fugue state . . . after i got ECT i wrote a 60,000 word book about it. i need to read it and see what it is. but not this month. this month i'm working on the new book. the one doc is helping me write. he's being a sounding board with ideas for me, it's wonderful. at first i told him not to help, i didn't want to have to give him half credit, joking. he said no i didn't, i could just pick his brain. he's good with the spy stuff. he's my consultant. most importantly, he believes in what i am doing.

we spent the morning doing laundry. i dealt with it okay, i was wearing my Marylin Manson "Beware of God" shirt, which got some old woman's knickers in a twist. and got me scowled at by the owner. that stopped once i too loudly announced that if he looked at me one more time like that, i was going to start spitting in the machines. i didn't intend him to hear me, but when doc turned around to look at him, he flashed doc a big smile.

one bear got ruined in the dryer. i'm not sure where i got it, or how long i've had it. i left the tags on it and it says it's collectible, but if it was really collectible, the fur wouldn't have melted. none of my other bears had a problem. my vintage pooh-bear, that i was really worried about just has a nose injury. but no damage to tiggers or huggables. i'm going to pack them up and put them in storage, just keeping three huggalbes out and take them to the laundrette every couple of weeks to kill the bugs.

i took a seroquel and now i have RLS. this is going to be a long night.

legalize it!
2013, cyd, new

all i can think to do is complain

today has been a blur of sobriety. i remember almost none of it, though i have been up since 6 this morning. i finally fell asleep last night after taking Seroquel, getting RLS from it, taking a hot bath to relieve the RLS, and collapsing on the couch. i haven't been able to sleep since. not at naptime, not at this naptime. i should be asleep.

the restless legs are driving me crazy. they've been going strong since i sobered up two days ago. it gets much worse with the seroquel, i won't be taking any more of that, but it's there all the time. it's why i can't sleep, i get comfortable, start to relax, and then my legs start twitching and hurting. if i'm going to stay sober, i need to do something about this. it is driving me crazy. and that is not a long drive.

my hand feels better. it's mainly stiff. i'm glad i didn't do any damage to it. i really have to control myself. i can't fly off the handle at nothing, and yet it's so . . . there.

i've had my hair tied back so long i can't comb it out. it hurts too much, tomorrow doc is picking me up a new brush so i can brush it out. i get like that on bad days, i don't want to deal with my hair so i just tie it back. it usually happens during 'that time of the month'.

all i can think to do is complain. and i don't want to do that.