October 30th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i don't even remember why i am mad at him, i just know i am. oh yeah, he gave me this bullshit quiz on the bedroom. he's left this entire bedbug thing to me, only speaking up to complain i haven't gotten rid of them. that's why i went to bed at 4 in the afternoon and got up at 8 and ignored him when he woke up. i can't be civil, so i just won't say anything. i wasn't even going to make him coffee. when i went to bed i told him i'd see him tomorrow morning. but i couldn't not make him coffee. i hate being mad at him, but he just seemed determined to hurt my feelings today. and then when, instead of lashing out, i told him he was hurting my feelings, he dissected the situation and negated my feelings. i'm not feeling the warm fuzzies for him at the moment.

call it hormonal imbalance, blame it all on me, whatever. i know he's guilty of starting some of the fights. if just for being stupid and insensitive. he can be so vulcan at times, it infuriates me. and he seems to love to apply his logic to my emotions. as if emotions had anything to do with logic.

i made us spiced french toast and bacon and sausages for breakfast today. i made him go out and get the ingredients.

i told him i want to eat at the table for thanksgiving. he went for the quiche idea over the fondue. he's spent the last few thanksgivings at the boys' house or at work. this year he may be working, but he will still be here for dinner. he can eat before he goes to sleep for the evening.

i looked around for stuffed grape leaves online and found many choices. including the brand i remember loving. and for much less money than i expected to have to pay for them.

and i found an xmas tree for only $40. so the tree savings will pay for dinner.

in line with my absolute love of caramel and my inability to eat soft caramel because of my teeth, doc got me caramel lollies today. they are so good. he got me some halloween candy. some cheap stuff, i said, "are we going to be Those people?" and he told me he was going to get the good stuff too, and the kids could trade for stuff later and sort it out themselves. okay. as long as i have plenty of candy so i don't run out again this year.

the high wind of the last 24 hours blew down my halloween decorations. i'm not putting them back up. pathetic though they were. i have a skeleton tacked to the outside of the house. that's sufficient. i'll decorate the porch on the day of.

the cats have shown an aversion to the pumpkin. i don't think i'll be getting any cute pictures of my precious black babies with the pumpkin. they don't like the way it smells. so i'm just going to carve it. we have plenty of tea lights, so i can have it lit on the porch, inside the security gate, all halloween night. i don't know how doc is going to get any sleep that night, unless i sit in the hallway with the door open waiting for the trick or treaters to come up so they don't have to ring the doorbell. i may do that. just sit there and read. actually, the laptop will reach the entry way, so i can take that in there. that will make time go fast. the important thing is getting the candy to the kids.

i finally found Chewy a harness. i've been looking for just the right one . . . and the LED light up ones seemed unnecessary. on amazon i found a leather biker vest type of harness. with a cool metal skull hanging from the tab the leash hooks into. it will go great with his studded dog collar. and it will butch him up a little. make him less of a target for the predatory chihuahuas wandering the dog park waiting to hump unsuspecting border terriers. he's such a nice dog, he wouldn't think of growling, he just sat down and whimpered a little.

i'm going on an outing tomorrow. i'm going to the laundrette with doc. big excitement, i know. but it is out of the house! yay! and not just sitting in the car. that way i can keep an eye on my animals while we run them through the dryer. my poor animals.

i've been listening to Alice in Chains' "Would" for the last hour. it never gets old. it takes me on a vague trip. flashes of memories attached to the song that i let go of so long ago, they are reluctant to come back. it's strange, just flashes of emotion and sights. strange. strange strange.

it just hit me that i've lost my entire family. my parents deny me. my sister unfriended me. my one brother disappeared years ago and my other brother is with my parents or in jail. i'm just going to push this out of my mind, this i no thing to think of with the holidays coming up, this is a time for love and happiness.

i'm going to try and let the good will spirit fill me this year. i'm going to try and not be so wrapped up in myself. i'm going to get the donation stuff to the appropriate charities and gather food for the food bank. that's about all we can give. and of course i will spend at least a little money on a toy for toys for tots.

i am overwhelmed by "what's the point". i always feel hopeless when doc and i aren't getting along.

speaking of, time to go remind him of the time. he has a clock, i don't know why i have to do it, but i do it.
2013, cyd, new

i don't care about the ACA

if you can afford food, you will not qualify for government subsidies under the ACA. i know this because i can barely afford to eat, and i do not qualify for government subsidies under the ACA. i learned today, as i finished my application and finally waived medical coverage, that even under the new law, i am screwed. and i know i'm not alone. we make $3,000 more than poverty level per year. therefore, we are grouped in the middle class for pricing. the cheapest policy they had left me $30 per month for food, toiletries, meds, electric, water, and gas. oh, an high co-pays for my shrink. that was the lowest level. i'm mad.

and i'm mad in an impotent, self-esteem shattering way. even with all the changes, that i have been advocating and fighting for and supporting, i fall through the cracks.

and today i have to choose a UPS healthcare plan for next year. see what else they are raping us over. and still hovering over my head is the threat of being kicked off the UPS plan because i have medicare and they have a midevil policy. last year they decided that mental health would be treated the same as physcial health and they aren't into covering preventitive care. so shrink appointments weren't covered and there were high co-pays and out of pocket for hospital. even paying $400 a month on that policy, i can't get mental health care and still afford my meds. i can either pay for the doctors or the meds. what am i on now? pills left over at a rehab camp that one of the counselors smuggled out. i can't afford to pay off my shrink bill, and if i could, i can't afford to pay for another appointment and if i could i couldn't afford the meds. so i will take these until they run out. i have about a month of my anti psychotic left, then it's just down to mood stabilizer and allergy meds for anxiety. when those run out, i'm SOL. i was really counting on the ACA to take the pressure off. i was so sure i was going to qualify for medicaid . . . i had dreams of taking myself off the UPS policy and saving us $300 a month and being able to see a doctor again. nope.

so i no longer care. i don't care if it's repealed, i don't care if the website never works. i don't care. i also don't care about republicans or tea partiers or democrats any more. doesn't matter. none of it affects me. i may as well not even be a citizen of this country. because of $3,000. that means we're not poor. to the government. to the democrats and the republicans and the libertarians and the green party and everyone. i'm not "poor", i'm not rich and i'm not middle class. i am invisible.

so what are my options? quickly get a job before my meds run out and i lose control? i can't get a job because i have no teeth. i can't get teeth because i have no job.

oh, still more good news. doc forwarded me the email about enrolling in benefits, because of course it is up to me. at the bottom of the email is the warning that 2013 coverage options will not carry over as usual. instead, if you don't enroll in time, you will be charged the tobacco "tax" of $150 a month and your spouse will be automatically removed from coverage. the links are all intranet links, they don't work for me. and i can't get through to doc to tell him. and we have until midnight tomorrow, before he goes to work, to get enrolled. what needs to happen, is he needs to stay at work and do it when he gets off. but he won't know that and he will come home and we will be fucked because he put it off.

between these two things . . . there is not enough weed in columbia to calm me down right now.

i'm going to try to sleep. failing that, i may just drink until i throw up.