October 28th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

gods, what is she rambling on about now?

i would be well on my way to sleep right now, but doc let Chewy out and he took off. so i have to stay awake until he comes back so i can let him in. bad dog. bad doc.

another sunday of fighting. we're over it by the time doc left, but it was a tense day. i hate sundays. i'm glad this one is over.

my dad's birthday is coming up. he'll be . . . old. 26 years older than me. that's old. and still he lives. i can't even be bitter about it any more.

i'm doing much better online now that i'm not a slave to my "friends" or "followers". deleting feels good. i don't have to justify to myself anymore why i won't let stupid into my life.

i've just stopped caring about anything.

i went to the clearchoice.com site. after a while of digging, i found a "cost" page. i'm looking at about $20,000 to get my teeth replaced, even by their cheaper methods. and they don't take insurance. i'm going to call tomorrow and talk to them, but i don't have any real hope. implants seem out of reach now. it's a far cry from the $2,000 they were advertising a while back. i guess too many people wanted to take them up on it.

i wonder, if i get my teeth done by a regular dentist, if insurance will cover it. i really need to look into these things and find myself a dentist. i think i've come to the conclusion that they aren't going to grow back and no one is going to accept me without them. except doc and kelli. which is why they are the only two people i want around me.

dentures are not an option to me right now. if a competent dentist can convince me he can do it better than the dentist i had, maybe i will consider it. or if i can have a smaller appliance for just the front teeth. something that doesn't cover the whole of the roof of my mouth. then i will be able to talk with it in, and i will be more likely to wear it. but no matter what, it's time to do it. i've wallowed in it long enough. i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

oh, i hear a whimper . . . Chewy's home!! oh how i love this dog! today, during the height of our fighting, while i was screaming at doc, i noticed Chewy was shaking. that stopped me dead in my tracks. i stopped the fight, grabbed the dog and went into my room with him to cuddle him in a safe place. poor thing. no more loud fights. i must control myself. it's always just me screaming at him. he doesn't scream at me at all, and rarely yells. i freak the fuck out and he stays calm and the calmer he stays the more i freak out.

i've decided to arrange my book shelves by color. there is no point in arranging them alphabetically or by author, i look for the color of the spine when i look for a book, so i may as well arrange them by color. the couple of shelves i've done so far look really good. i saw the idea on pinterest and i don't know why it never occurred to me. i guess because my mother was such a fanatic of order and size and shape in her book shelves. i got that from her. but the color thing is much more me. and it really pulls the room together. it's all in the details.

doc was telling me he read the other day that pinterest is worth some obscene amount of money. but there's no good advertising model, unless they get all invasive like twitter or facebook. it's too bad the truly creative things aren't commercially viable.

i want to be a better person. i want to stop being so petty and mean and intolerant. i want to break away from all of that. i want to break away from my past and the hateful legacy my parents left me with. it's time i grew up.

i start the fights with doc. i can't help it. i push buttons. i snap. i'm mean and sarcastic and i seem to have absolutely no impulse control with it. doc and i could be really happy, if i would just calm the fuck down. he tries so hard to love me and i keep pushing him away. he's right, i need a therapist. this cycle we will sign up for decent insurance. and i'm pretty sure i'll get medicaid. so between the private insurance, the medicare and the medicaid, i should be able to see a therapist at least once a month. i don't know what good that will do. i would think once a week for about 6 months would really help. i wish that you could coordinate with your insurance company and work out the benefits you need.

for example, i could give up the whole pre-natal care package in favor of a more comprehensive psychiatric package. i guess in our current healthcare system that would be untenable, the cable company can't even get that kind of shit together with channels. for example, why i can't i trade the faith and values channel package for the asian channel package? cable and insurance, yes, my priorities are right on track. for a crazy person.

i also need to look into medicare part D coverage under United Healthcare, with any luck they are more liked in the area than Aetna and more behavioral health specialists take it. if so, i will dump the UPS POS coverage and get it through medicare. i need to start taking my health a bit more seriously. as i age, things are more likely to fall off.

i have that lump in my breast that my doctor wanted me to have seen to two years ago. he said it was likely benign. so i never did anything about it. and doc didn't seem to think it was important and i kind of follow his lead with this. but i've been watching him with his own health and i realize, it just isn't on his mind. he's supposed to get blood tests and xrays and go back to the doctor but he keeps putting it off.

the couch is snoring. i wonder what cat that is under me making that horrible noise. i suppose it's Freddie.

i want to sleep in my room tonight, but i haven't treated it yet, just cleaned it out. i just don't think i can take another night on the couch. i tried to get the futon flat, but couldn't and then when doc woke up he confessed to me it might not have been put together quite right when we moved. oh. bed it is. let them chew on me and crawl on me. i don't give a fuck. i want to sleep without 8 animals piled on top of me. okay, that's an exageration, the most i've had is four.

okay, time to do that bed thing. i get up at 5:15 every morning, whether i go to bed at 11 or 3. so i may as well try to get in as many hours as possible. i think i will sleep out here on the couch for a couple of those hours until the temperature drops. keep the sliding glass door open for fresh air, then when it gets cool out, i will wake up because i don't have a blanket and will be cold. and then i will shut the door and grab a quilt and go to bed. there's is my plan, which is mine.
2013, cyd, new

what a terrifying night

if i ever need reminding that i live in a house and not a block of apartments, a wind storm will do it. the trees rub against the house and make spooky noises. it took me a couple of hours to get to sleep, but i stayed in bed until 7.

i managed to not eat under doc's watchful eye yesterday. the fighting helped with that. i feel like i've been stuffing myself and i've been gaining weight slowly . . . i want to cut back on what i'm eating. he's been getting me everything he can think of to get me to eat, and i have to admit most of it has been unhealthy and really fattening. not good. and i've been lazy and haven't been taking the dog out to walk twice a day like i should.

in our trend of missing EVERYthing that happens in this town, we did not go to the Life Is Beautiful festival. we never do anything here. doc asked the other day why we moved here. i guess for nothing. what a waste of money and 13 years.

i took my room apart and sprayed it down with alcohol. i saw one bug, and i was looking closely. i found no new infestations.

i will be nice to doc today. i will not pick fights with him. if i am frustrated i will share it with him and see if he can help me with it. he is my life, my love. i want to be close to him. i want him to love me and want to be with me. and he won't do that if i am mean and angry. and it's never him i am angry at. it's me. and i take it out on him. and i don't mean to do it. i don't want to do it. today i will not do it. i will give him a day of peace and love. he's a former hippie, he can appreciate that.

so, how do you think this spying on international calls is going to go over in the world? we've already got Germany pissed at us over it, and i think we all remember what happens when Germany gets pissed off. and the president was out of the loop. that doesn't surprise me. not that i think he would have stopped it had he known. it's just the 21st century and we are all victims of our paranoia.

i deleted an old friend from my facebook today. i didn't want to do it and i have been agonizing over it for a couple of months now. and i have no intention of severing ties with this person, not at all. it's all about politics. our politics do not agree, and in facebook is the one place he is political and frankly his tea party posts were pissing me off. and i don't want to go to facebook every day and get pissed off. i stopped posting political shit because it occurred to me that i might be offending people i care about, i do have a few of those on fb. and most of the people i care about on there, are conservatives. family and such. people from the church and my past and whatnot. so i'm conflicted about this. but like i said, i'm not about going to my page and getting pissed off every day.

Evie is being a pain in my ass. she is insisting on laying on my arm. i tried to put her on the other side of me, but she attacked Major. she wants to go out, badly. we've been letting her out to play in the yard under supervision for brief periods of time, but since it is so windy, i'm not going out. so she's determined i will do nothing if not pay attention to her. she is making it really difficult to type. she is laying on one wrist and nudging my other hand off the keyboard.

time to go spray my animals so they are dry enough to put into plastic bags to go to the laundrette. they will be put into the giant dryer with dryer sheets and spun for a while. until they reach 120 degrees and all the things on and in them die.

now Evie is biting me, definitely time to get up and do something else. why must all the girl cats chew on me?
2013, cyd, new

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