October 23rd, 2013

2013, cyd, new

people don't want to be helped, they want to be enabled

i've been trying to help someone in my passive aggressive way . . . and i've realized they don't want help. they are blissful in their ignorance and i'm just pushing ugly reality into their life. and i don't want to do that. not anymore. i'm done trying to help people. i'm done saying "yes". i'm not going to do it anymore. what matters in life is me, doc and the animals. no one else is really worth my time. and putting time into people just gets me frustration and rejection. i'm not up for it anymore. people don't want to be helped. they want to be enabled. and i'm done enabling.

i've been embroiled in thoughts of how my life would be different if i hadn't acquiesced to certain things. like Syzane. if i hadn't let her stay here, how would things be different? unfortunately they would be worse. the rift between doc and i closed with her time here. having a common enemy to fight brought us closer together. she brought me out of my shell. but that is where the good ends. and i've been ranting and raving about all the bad. i'm over it. nothing to be done but fix the damage and hope for the best.

it occurred to me today that 6 black cats is a lot. i didn't realize my adopting had gotten so out of hand. i have a black cat sanctuary here. we were in the kitchen today and all 6 of them were gathered in there with us. looking down at them, i was a bit overwhelmed, until i started picking out identifying characteristics of each one and realized i could recognize them without the collars.

i'm really happy with my family. my cats and my dog and my doc. i'm glad that woman from the dating site eventually blew me off, i really don't want to change what i have with some stranger right now. and the whole hiding and lying that goes on with a new friendship/relationship is more than i want to deal with. and sex is OUT of the question. asexual is me. i yelled at doc for touching my arm and cursed anne rice her erotic scenes in every goddamned book today. i don't know that i've turned into a prude . . .

the ECT changed me. i used to think it damaged my brain, but it didn't. i smoked too much pot. and took too many meds. now that i'm on lighter meds and a medicinal amount of pot, i can see things a lot more clearly. but before i pontificate on it further, i am going to delve into my lj under the "ECT" tag and check on a few things. then you can expect an essay on it.

i'm suddenly consumed with knowing my past.

in this, i am also consumed with the desire to reach out to my birth family. i think to solve this, i will call my nana this week and see how she is doing. i am pretty sure we are in between cruise seasons, after the summer, before the holidays, so she should be home. i wondered aloud today if she would spend all of her money before she died, and doc said, "i hope so", and i agreed. she gives and gives to the hopeless losers that are her children, and as her grandchild, i'm not much better than them. we don't deserve the money. we've done nothing with our lives but wasted them. i know she bought my parents their half million dollar house, and likely bought them their new travel digs, but that's one thing. she can be around to enjoy it. she doesn't have to stay in a hotel when she comes here, she can stay in a nice home that she paid for. when my parents come to visit, they don't have to stay with her anymore, they can go to one of the parks nearby and park with their new camper, and she can keep her independence. i don't mind that she takes them on cruises, she is getting on, she should have companions when traveling.

but my papa worked hard to earn that money. he was brilliant and he came up with something that got patented and is used to this day. and she stood by him and supported him in the times it wasn't so good and was a great soul mate for him. she deserves to live long and well on it. and if that includes spoiling her only daughter and her son-in-law, i'm not one to hold a grudge. just because her daughter wouldn't do the same, and in fact has denied her only birth daughter. in their world, money took the place of love. i could never be happy with that. i want the love. i had the money when i was growing up. my parents were poor, but my grand parents would have been strung up before they would let their only birth grand daughter go without. they offered to send me to schools, they bought me clothes, took me on enriching vacations. my grandmother tried to culture me. she'll never know the positive effect she had on me because i am too proud to tell her. but all the money she spent on me could have been replaced by a few hugs.

there is still contention between us. i understand now that she simply doesn't like teens. i don't, myself. but at the time i didn't get it and i hated her for it. that hate and hurt have been slow to leave. the women in my family just aren't meant to get along, i think. we are meant to be distant from each other. we're all too similar to get along. we're all idiots. greedy and selfish. we can't help but fight. and when we all got tired of the fighting, then came the ignoring. and that's where we are today. and recently i've been wishing that wasn't so. but i don't know what i'm wishing. having ties with a family would just complicate my life. and i wouldn't want doc's arrangement, where he wants to and could reach out but just doesn't. that seems to pain him. no i wouldn't want that.
2013, cyd, new

some quotes i wanted to remember

"out of habit i still send the incense to the goddess. i just don't believe she's there anymore. this is the second time i've had a crisis of faith. the last time was when i decided to leave the mormon church. i was just a kid then, but i think i handled it much better than i am now." 9/5/08

"when i cry out
no one ever listens
they tiptoe in when
the damage is done
and prepare their speech
that's what people do
when i cry out
for help" 4/15/01

"they did the ECT on the wrong side of my head. this is according to my psychiatrist/neurologist. isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? i can't help but laugh when i think of it. because if i don't laugh, i will freak the fuck out about it. so raise a toast and have a giggle with me." 7/16/06


" i can't believe i'm 37. i can't believe i made it this far. i have my eyes set on 40 now. so the doctors have to make me better for at least three years more." 5/19/06

"so that was the conversation that made doc consider a xanax before he left for work. i really shouldn't do that to him. he does everything he can and then he does more. i am so thankful to have him in my life. he is the kindest person i've ever met, and the most patient. i can't say enough about him, i just can't. i know he will do whatever is in my best interest. i completely trust him. that is special." 5/21/06

"god i need to get a grip and i don't know what to grab hold of." 6/14/06

hours later . . .

forgot to post that. oh well. addendum.

the living room is trashed. i moved all the furniture to spray and vacuum the loveseat and didn't bother putting it back. the other laptop is in the middle of the floor, with its new keyboard and mouse hooked up but i can't get it to boot from the DVD drive. i've followed all the online instructions and i can't get it to work. i'll play with it later, when i'm calmer. i've been really upset most of the day.

reading those past entries was not a way to make me feel good. i've been in a depressed rage since. but it has to be done, i have to know what i've forgotten. like, they did the ECT on the wrong side of my head. i had forgotten that. but it was there in the entries and it all came back to me, the conversation with Dr. C, who seemed to be holding back from saying "i told you so", all of it. bitterness.

then the laptop didn't put me in a better mood. i hadn't opened it since it came back. we had given it to B. he broke it and was going to get rid of it. doc kept it because i wanted the stickers on the cover of it. it was only just with the latest round of computers dying on me that i thought of using it. and i'm just amazed at how much damage was done to it in such a short time. keys are missing, not just not working. and the computer boots up beeping. as if a key has been depressed for too long. i have to hit a mouse button to get it to stop. what the fuck kind of animal is B? to treat a piece of technology like that . . . there is just no excuse. so that put me into a bad mood. and i'm thinking that this depressed key thing may be what is keeping me from getting into the bios and booting up from the DVD drive.

the good news is, the keyboard and mouse work wonderfully. they are logitech, so they should. doc spent under $20 for them.

speaking of money, he has offered to pay for dry cleaning of my stuffed animals that can't be washed because of electronics in them. to him it's better than me going over and getting all stabby on B. dry cleaning = cheaper than bail.

i think i want to go to sleep. it means i will be up all night again, but i've had a hot bath and i'm tired. doc went to sleep early. so he's already out. i think i will lay down for a while.