October 19th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

blah, blah, rant, blah, rant, blah

well, Leia is better. she's running laps up and down the hallway with the dog as i write this. i'm glad. this means we can get her fixed next week and she will be all ours. we can take off the stupid institutional collar and put on her pretty pink one. we were trying to think of feminine dog names to name her because she thinks she and chewy are the same, or at least soul mates. i think we'll stick with Leia. spunky and feminine. just like the wonderful Carrie Fisher.

why do they texture keyboard keys? it just rubs off. so you have these keys you use more often rubbed smooth in the middle and rough around the edges. silliness.

i think i'll find my collage materials tomorrow. they are really the only art supplies i haven't gathered. i feel an artistic streak coming on.

i found my motivation this morning and got the place all cleaned up before doc got home. all except loading the dishwasher. i told him when he asked that i didn't love him enough to load the dishwasher. then i got him a beer.

it never gets messy really, i just like it to be pristine, after the constant clutter and mess of the apartment. the kitchen gets messy. especially if we both cook on the same day, which we did. and i took a day to empty the dishwasher because i'm essentially lazy.

my knuckle has almost healed. so i can put the electrical tape back on it and go back to work on my rug. which is cool because it's all arranged in an orderly pile in front of the living room. nice pile that not even the cats have fucked with, but a pile nonetheless that i want gone. and i want the rug in my room.

i'm going to have to put all my stuffed animals in storage. they are all bedbug infested. i've vacuumed and sprayed them and i plan on washing the ones i can with super hot water, but i don't trust them to go back on my bed. i'm really bummed about this. i've been waiting all my life to have a bed with all my animals on it. i swear to god, i had better be asleep when B comes over to fix doc's bike or i will punch him out for sending that psycho bitch and her bedbugs here. like doc told him "your shit is getting on my front porch and i don't like it". and did it ever. we're stuck with his broken down motorcycles outside my bedroom window, we almost went broke accommodating that cunt and, now we are infested with bugs we may never get rid of. and he has the balls to complain to doc that i don't chat with him on facebook. i don't chat with anyone. and he is not my friend. he is doc's mechanic. he is the guy who has constantly complicated my life since we met the sorry son of a bitch. i'm sick of it. and there is nothing i can do. we have the bugs, we are stuck with them. i will vacuum under and around the bed and spray once a week but i've yet to hear a successful "getting rid of the bedbug" story. i woke up to a giant one on my face the other night. i got up and left the bed and came in here to the couch.

and i feel dirty having them. i know they come and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. but i still feel dirty. and shamed. like it's a judgement on my housekeeping skills. and that sucks because i have kept this house in great condition since i've been here. the back yard is a bit cluttered with crap, but that's all doc. and the stupid motorcycles. as long as there is room for chewy to run and no cars in the yard, i'm happy.

speaking of cars in the yard, the guy we know who has an SUV like ours, a couple years difference, is in jail and he's selling his SUV. cheap. so we could conceivably use the one as parts for the other and get one working truck out of it. and then i would have a car. and one i'm not afraid to drive. i've cut way back on the psychotropics and i think i can qualify for a driver's license in the next year or so. and it would do me good to put my own car together. i could stand to learn something new. i figure we'll use his as the main one and use ours as parts, since our tranny is fucked. even though it got replaced. never go to that mechanic again. then he says he doesn't guarantee his work and for another couple grand he can fix it for real. fucker. and he was recommended to us. nice.

i've got a lot of anger lately. i really want to get into a fight with someone other than doc. i'm feeling scrappy. broken beer bottle scrappy. come home with wounds scrappy.

i have cartoons on while i listen to Pink, because Major is watching TV and i've found out he favors the cartoon channels. he really likes spongebob, of course. but tom and jerry will do just fine for him. he'll even watch news with me if i'm not in the cartoon mood. he just sits in front of the TV and stares at it, it's so cute. i try to encourage it. i try to encourage anything any of them do that is cute. major seems to rule in the cute department, but maybe i think that because he talks to me like my siamese used to. he chatters away. and when i'm not in the room he expects me to be in, he howls for me. it's so precious. doc hates it. it can't be helped, that's just the way Major is made.

i'm thinking i might stop reading/watching American news. i think i'll stick to the international sources from now on. if for no other reason than i need to know the rest of the world is just as fucked up as we are. if i can't do that, find a new place to live. i can't handle what is going on in this country. i can't take the divide between logic and delusion that is getting out of hand because it makes better news. and it seems everyone with an emotional disorder wants to be in the news all the time so they are always trying to top each other's crazy. i can't take it anymore.

i'm thinking England. i've looked at all the UK, but i keep coming back to England. it would be Sweden, back home to the "old" country, but i have no faith in my being able to learn the language. i already know most of the Queen's English. i could start in London and then find a nice house up north in the country. nothing for miles around but internet. i could have a flower garden. i could go to the pub and learn how to play darts, i could lose a lot of weight because i find nothing appealing about their food. i suppose i could try to live on yorkshire pudding and curry. that wouldn't suck.

the polarizing hatred in this country beats us all down. that's why we're all mentally unstable. and we ALL are. in some way. i have yet to meet an American who isn't either on or in deep need of some sort of mood stabilizer. and there's got to be a reason for that. and i think it's because of all the hate brought on by evangelical christian beliefs. it's no secret i feel christianity is the problem with this country. and religion is the problem with most of the world. except north korea, they've got their own deal going on that i just don't get. but it's the stupefying christian beliefs that are dividing this country. it all comes down to that. there is an attitude that comes with rampant christian extremism that believes it is superior to everything else, with nothing to back it up but some book written by a bunch of goat herders a century after the events supposedly took place. and the religion we see today has nothing at all to do with the teachings of jesus. it is just the opposite, and the more opposite it is, the more they scream it's in jesus' name. if you ask me, it's kind of bullshit.

not every christian is bad. don't think i'm saying that. i think the religion is bad for a productive and intelligent society, but people are people. there are some atheists who are real asshats. i'm one of them. but i wouldn't be any better if i had a god behind me. i would be worse. i was worse. back when i used to believe i was justified in everything i did as long as i had a "pure" heart, i didn't care who i hurt because i probably wouldn't see them in heaven anyway. you have nothing to lose when you are living for the promise of an afterlife. when there is no afterlife to rely on, you must live and you must be accountable for what you do because no one is coming to judge you later and listen to your begging for forgiveness, you have to own up to what you do. and if you don't, it's called sociopathy. plain and simple.

i know every generation says this, but i cannot stand to live my life with this current generation of youth growing up and being in charge. i won't live my life like that. the few who emerge in tact and intelligent and ambitious, they have had to fight so hard to be that way, they are burnt by the time they are out of college. and my generation is raising a generation of monsters. i'm so glad i didn't have kids. i'm no where near strong enough to raise a good child in this country.

everything here seems to be either/or. either you are bullied, or you are the bully. either the perpetrator or the victim. there is no neutrality anymore. to sit quietly and not do something is to waste your existence, but we are all fighting ideas. and you can't break an idea. i can't convince you that there is no god/goddess any more than you can convince me there is. there is no more sitting on the fence, the fence sitters get picked off by whoever has the flashiest suntan. they are the watchers of reality TV, those that choose to have no opinion, or vague ones at best. they are the ones who don't ever say "no" to their kids, who are growing up to be a precious bunch of psychopaths. these are the people who watch sports instead of reading a paper or a book. the ones that are content being mediocre. they are a disease, just as much as the zealots who preach non-stop neon hate. and the weaker and more neutral they are, the more easily they get sucked into some religion.

/rant

i'm done. i don't make sense when i go off like that. i used to go to speech class unprepared and just get up and wing it like that, and then during the question/answer portion after they would crucify me. i wouldn't be able to remember half of what i'd said. let alone make sense of it.

i've been listening to the same four pink songs for the last two hours. i think i need to stop now. but i can't. she is everything i wanted to be when i was growing up. i never wanted to be a poet, i wanted to be a singer/songwriter. that's why i'm so obsessed with my own lack of singing talent. i might have been trained, but my parents always ended up stiffing my music teachers. i could sing when i was younger, i used to do solos at christmas in the choir.

yes, i sang in the choir. up until i was 16. i also played on the church's volleyball team, organized the music for countless dances, counseled other teens who had strayed from the church's teachings. i did all that. four years of, well three and a half, of before school, pre-dawn seminary classes on the scriptures and doctrine. i won what they called "scripture chases" where you memorized passages from scriptures and their locations and then when given hints, raced other teens to find the passage in your scriptures. i used highlighters and colored pencils and crinkled pages and everything else i could within the rules to give myself the advantage without really having to learn all the passages. and i won. all the time. i have the pins. so everything i did was justified and encouraged. it was cheating, but in the name of christ. what the fuck is that nonsense? i quit seminary and the church halfway through my senior year in high school and they still graduated me. and it was largely on that that i was accepted into a church college at a discounted tuition. everything i did wrong was encouraged.

up until i was raped and got pregnant. that was the one thing they couldn't deal with. i was discouraged from reporting the rape, i was promised emotional and financial support from the church in return for the baby when it was born and then left penniless and homeless while i was pregnant. and they justified it all. what did you think would happen when you broke god's law and had sex. but i was raped. you're a punk, you get what you deserve. when i was raped in college, i was told the same thing. i deserved it. the school would do nothing to the guy, just kick me out for breaking the purity pledge. some Samoan friends got even with him. then i heard he went on a mission and married in the temple and i'm sure he hates every stinking moment of his life now. most men in the church do. they won't admit it, but they do. sex is discouraged in the church, even between a married couple it is meant to be austere and gentile. and that cuts down intimacy. and that makes people hate each other. and the church keeps them quiet about it. giving them "callings" to serve to keep their minds off their miserable existence.

okay, i have got to stop this pontificating. i'm not on a fucking stage after all. i'm not rollins. i could never get my thoughts together enough to be rollins. or do what he does.

this is going nowhere slowly and dragging you, fair readers, with it. i'm sorry for that. i've been holding in a lot of stuff. and the main person i'm angry with . . . well i can't do anything about it. even if i could, he's too stupid to get where he's wrong. he thinks oxygen is a finite resource, like windmills will lessen it on the planet. how do you talk to someone like that? when you know already that reason and logic have nothing to do with what goes on in their head. how do you fight that without becoming it? i don't know. maybe i need a nap. or a beer. or a bowl. or a cigarette. maybe my blood sugar is low. i know i took my meds. and with those few sentences, i am American.
2013, cyd, new

fuck society, gay straight and in between

you know what? aside from you and you and you, there . . . fuck people. just fuck them.

i get this message on that damn dating site that psycho cunt had me join. it's someone asking about where i perform. cool, i think, and get really excited when i notice in her pic, she's holding a microphone and appears to be on a stage. and so i start to hope that maybe i've found a friend that i can go to readings with. and i write to her. and then (i know, i'm stupid, i should have done this first) i go to her bio. and it says right there, must have original teeth, no partials, either. so i wrote to her and apologized for wasting her time and explained i was missing teeth. stupid cow. fucking ignorant stupid fucking dyke cow.

and funny thing is, i never replied to the other message i got because she wanted to meet and i don't have teeth and she would hate me and i assumed all that, and here it was with someone else, spelled out plain as anything. fucking people fuck them i hate them all.

i just want to go back to bed now. i see no point to the day. i was going to go out with doc to the Paws for the Cause event and get Felix microchipped, i even agreed when doc said we'd have to take the bus, with a howling cat, good. but i agreed and stayed excited about it, but why go out when people are just going to see my missing teeth and judge me on it. i must be a tweaker. fuck people. i'm going back to bed. maybe when i wake up i will see a point to living. i doubt it, though.
2013, cyd, new

i KNOW now that Ted Cruz is a liar

it's easy to say a politician is lying when they are saying things that you don't believe. yes yes. very easy. not so easy for the layperson to come up with proof. and something my mom always told me about John F. Kennedy, if he would lie to his wife about an affair, he would lie to the country. okay. i like Kennedy and my mom was a die hard republican. but the sentiment is the same, if one is willing to lie about one thing, the odds are great that they would lie about other things. and i caught Senator Ted Cruz in a lie i can disprove to my own satisfaction. he stated publicly that UPS sent out a letter telling its employees that their spouses would no longer be covered once the ACA went into effect. ALL spouses. THIS. IS. A. LIE. i saw that letter. UPS is behaving unfairly, but not to the extent that Cruz claims. UPS is terminating coverage for employee spouses that are already covered under their own employer's insurance policies. Spouses that are unemployed or uninsured, including those on medicare, are still eligible for UPS spousal health benefits. i told you about this months ago when doc got the letter. i was worried they would cut me off because i was on medicare, you may remember. And if Cruz is willing to lie about that, there is no telling what else he is lying about. now it is confirmed. i have my proof and i feel justified in my hatred and lack of respect for him as a human being or representative of the American people. he is disqualified.

i don't expect this to convince the die hard conservatives out there. i don't expect anything i say to, they are too far gone for that. but i finally have proof to my satisfaction. i didn't read about him saying it, i heard and saw him saying in on live TV. i saw the letter myself. it was in my hands. i'm sure i filed it away in the cabinet. and that is enough.

going back to sleep and getting up again helped. it also helped that i got a message from that lady that my missing teeth are okay. she had a date that played with her upper the entire date and it grossed her out. one of the main reasons i don't wear my partial. i was playing with it all the time and that used to gross me out as a kid when people did that. i didn't want to be that person. also there's the not being able to talk thing. talking is important to me. as you can well imagine, i am a chatterbox. when i stop talking, people get concerned. so i'm going to wait a few hours and then message her back with my email. she wants someone to go to open mics with, too. i'm pretty sure she is a comedienne. so the open mic at the Human Experience would be the best for us to go to. which works out because it is the one i want to go to the most. it isn't a slam, it's an open mic, so there isn't just poetry, there is music and comedy too. this could be the start of something cool. a new friend. she's not looking for a serious relationship, so i can relax about that, and now she already knows about my teeth, so i can doubly relax about that.

Leia has an interesting personality. it is slowly coming out in bursts as she gets better and better. the bonding with doc worked, she is attached to him. i'm so happy about that. if he is laying down, she is laying down with him. if he is hanging out and she's not busy going kitten crazy, she is hanging out with him.

We think that Chewy may have been bred to be a show dog and given up because he has a gimpy hip. from what information i can gather and the pictures and drawings i've seen, he is a perfect specimen of his breed. the only "flaw" in him is that his back left leg limps every three steps. not enough to give a dog up unless you were looking for perfection. it would also explain why he's so mellow, if he's purebred for showing. they would breed the mellowest animals. it also explains why he is so well behaved and never barks or whines. what gave it away was his little odd habit. when we go outside and he is really excited, if i say "up up up" he jumps up on the table and strikes a regal pose. he's done this a few times now. we really got a treasure with him.

Major is going to be one huge cat if he keeps gaining weight. not just his stomach is getting fat, but he's getting beefy. his neck and legs are getting thicker. the only thing staying thin on him is his tail, which is starting to look pretty silly. he's not obese by any means and he is very active when he's not watching TV. but he's getting big.

Vader has finally grown into his legs and he is one tall cat. he's still lanky, but he's not all legs and head like he was a few months ago. he's coming into his own. but he's either REALLY independent, or he doesn't know his name. and i fear it's the second. it was up to doc to teach him his name. and doc isn't good at that. i had to take over teaching Leia her name because she kept disappearing and we couldn't call her out because she didn't know her name. that's not right. now she knows it and can decide for herself if she wants to come out once she knows we want her. she still wants affection and attention at all times. a real princess, this one. and doc will spoil her awful.